I made it through the night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
I made it through the night.
4
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 12:16pm

Ive been posting in several different message boards but I believe this is the place I need to be.


Yesterday I said goodbye. I was having an EA and I didnt realize there was a name for it until we crossed the line. It had been growing since Oct and last week, we crossed the line and it became a PA. To make matters worse, he told me that he loved me. Emotionally, Im drained and because I have bee the one cheated on before, I dont want to be the other woman.


So, yesterday, I was going to write him a "dear john letter" but in reality, what is there to say. So, I called. He didnt answer, which in prob. good and I said goodbye.


I told him that what is done in the dark will always come to light and nothing that comes out of darkness will ever be blessed. I told him that I do love him, but i love him enough to walk away and let him concentrate on his marriage, without me. That he made his vows before God to be there no matter what. He has a responsibility to his wife to be the man of the house and what kind of example is he to his kids, if he takes the easy road out when things get tough. When you are at your lowest, how you approach the situation says alot about your character. It is easy to leave, find a way out, but to stay and perservere is what life, not only marriage is about.


It is weird. I understand what my ex-fiance was going through when he cheated on me. I know how I felt, but I couldnt understand what he felt nor the "other woman". She was always the **** who wouldnt leave and disrespected our relationship. he had cheated with her for more than a year, spent holidays with her, he proposed and bought my ring while he was in a relationship with her. Ultimately, he chose me. I was so hurt, that no matter what he did to or for me, I was so upset and couldnt get over it. For more than 2 years, he tried to get me back but I wouldnt listen. Now, he is so angry at me for attacking the "other woman". He said that she truly loved him, loved him enough to let him go and work on us. She accepted him ... I just hated her. I told her many times that she would always be his second. I am his first. I can only imagine now how hurt she must have felt. I see now, why my ex fiance, to this day, loves me but also hates at how he let her go to work on us and recommit himself to me and my son for two years, hoping I would take him back, and I never did. 3 years later, I finally read the book he gave to me those first months after the affair. Books he begged me to read. He begged me to go to counseling. I was so hurt, i couldnt. I did last week. The insight was incredible.


Last night I cried. But, i know that what I did was the right thing. One thing I realized is that affairs hurt no matter what side you are on. The OW is a person with feelings, the married man and the wife all have the parts they play and in the end, everyone loses. My ex fiance never had sex with the OW, she was a virgin. But they had an incredible emotional relationship. Only now do I understand the power of emotional infidelity. I didnt realize we were having that type of relationship. Only when he slept together and the I love you's and kids and marriage if we were single did I realize how the foundation was being laid thruogh our emotions since Oct.


I remember just this summer, I told my ex fiance that she should have walked away when she found out about me. That I would always hate her for continueing to be his support when she knew he wanted me and was trying to glue our relationship basck together. I told him that as a woman, she should have done that. Broke all ties. I can only imagine how hard that was for her. Not to mention, I made him call her, with me on the phone, and tell her goodbye. That he loved me, which he did. He did all those things to save us. then I left him. I can see, now, why he is so angry. I never gave him that second chance after he professed all he had for me and burned all the bridges with her. She hates him now, or so he says, for all that he said to her because of me. I can only imagine the pain she felt.


After we slpet together, I knew the outcome. I knew what I had to do. Even doing it, crying myself to sleep, feeling so sad and missing him so much. Wondering if he will call me, email me, have some sort of reaction to me ... which he hasnt makes me cry even more. makes me feel sad and alone and rejected. But even so, I know it was the right thing to do.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2009
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 12:41pm

Girl...I want to give ya a great big hug, a huge box of kleenex, and a big eraser to help remove the pain. You have made the right choice. Not only for him but for you as well.


Your post says so much and I bet it felt awesome to get it all out. Sucks you are here but you are already figuring it out. The Healing LIbrary is great help and insight. It gives strength on those horribly crappy days that come.


Your heart is amazing! You care so much for all parties involved. Remember to take care of yourself as well.


Take care


Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 12:57pm

B~


Welcome to the board and I am sorry you are in so much pain, but it comes with the territory. All affairs end sooner or later, and you have definitely made the right decision to end it. It will save you even more pain in the long run. The longer the deceit continues, the

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 1:07pm

Good for you for ending it NOW, rather than later... Later is harder... Not that NOW isn't either...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 1:35pm

what is done in the dark will always come to light and nothing that comes out of darkness will ever be blessed

Love what you said here. Makes me think!!! I am sending you a lot of hugs your way. It is one of the most AWFUL things I am dealing thus far. I kept going back because I just didnt want to deal with the pain. I kept leaving because I couldnt deal with the pain. It was a crappy situation... a lose lose situation. At least I know with NC I am free to free myself and rebuild myself. Baby steps.

Hang in there. You know you did the right thing.

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander