I made a list

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
I made a list
3
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 8:55pm

Reasons to stay away from him

Respect myself
No more lying to everyone
No more staying home to wait on phone calls
No more checking on e-mails that aren’t there
No more worrying where he is and who he is with
No more of him trying to make me jealous
No more waiting for him to stop by where I work
No more obsessing ………
No more always wondering if he is going to stop loving me
No more wondering if we will ever be together and will I ever be able to trust him
To start enjoying life
To spend time with my family without constantly thinking of him
To plan things again and actually enjoy doing them

Reasons to Call Him

I love him
I miss him
I can’t get him out of my head
I can’t forget all the good memories
He’s been my best friend for so many years

I know which list is the right one to choose, but I don't know how to do it. I just want to start hurting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 10:01pm

Thank you for an inspiring list.....both of them.


By chance has it occurred to you that all 5 items in your second list are also items that could be on your first list?


Sometimes the largest gift we can give our loved ones is to let them go.


It doesn't mean that you stop loving or remembering. You don't do that when someone dies, right?


Same thing when the affair ends. Keep the good memories. Remember the friendship.


Lying, obsessing, wondering, unable to trust, keeping secrets, worrying are all factors that increase stress. Stress ages minds, ages bodies, raises blood pressure, affects physical health. And impacts on your ability to interact with your family. Splitting your thoughts between family and affair mean both relationships get less than full attention. Not to mention the example you set for your family.


It seems to me you need quite a bit of time apart before you'll be able to talk again as chatting friends.....


One other idea I have on what's appropriate for conversation with your friend: anything that you would say to him in front of your husband or his wife. Anything else is just another part of a secret affair....


The longer you're out of the affair the less stress you'll feel.


BTDT,


cl-nre


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 10:28pm

Great posts - both of them. My response is actually to noregrets... The points you make were points that actually had a big part in making me end my A - even though it killed and continues to kill me. Both of us are very religious people (I know religion and A's are contradictory but all of us faulter). Our affair was no IC but I'm not naive to try to convince myself that it makes it less of an affair. I know that this A had it's toll on his conscience as well as mine but for some reason, I seemed stronger - go figure. I truly believe that if you love someone you want the absolute best for them, in your eyes and God's eyes. And in God's eyes, love is doing everything you can to help your loved one be pleasing to God..and I was doing anything but by enabling this A any further...He needs to work on his M - and if after working on it, they decide that it was indeed over, then he can move on. All I know is that if he leaves, it needs to be because he needed to leave for his own happiness! And if he doesn't, maybe this A gave him and his conscience the wake up call to take care of his M. Always trying to find the silver lining even in this horrible situation.

PS - This is my rational, not emotional at the moment side - I have my moments, but they pass, thankfully!

Avatar for alice700
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 9:09am
Katie,
Thanks for your post. What you wrote was very helpful to me, especially this:
"I truly believe that if you love someone you want the absolute best for them, in your eyes and God's eyes. And in God's eyes, love is doing everything you can to help your loved one be pleasing to God..and I was doing anything but by enabling this A any further..."
I, too, am religious and was in an affair, also without IC, with a man who is religious. I was troubled and conflicted about it in the eyes of God. Having ended the A, I feel my relationship with God is so much better and more open. I have no idea how XMM feels, I hope he feels similarly, but that is no longer my concern.
Thanks,
Alice