I may need a break from here - pl help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
I may need a break from here - pl help
10
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 11:08am
I have been reading posts and posting for about three weeks and there are some days I feel really good and then there are days I feel like @@@@. I appreciate everyone responding to my posts and giving me advice bc I do need it. I think my friends are so sick of hearing about I feel and what I am thinking. I think my problem is that I read all these posts and 99% of them are the xmm calling or texting you. Mine had not done that - in fact after we ended things (I told him we needed to move on with our lives and this was just really hard on me and then the next day I told him I did want to be with him. - back and forth) He know I wnat to be with him but there are too many obtacles and I love my husband. The last call I made after we yelled at each other went well. I called to make sure there were no hard feelings. I didn't tell him I was thinking about him and he did to me. I got off the phone and didn't try to talk to him. It felt great. Three days later I called him and he didn't want to talk to me. He said he would call me back. (4 weeks ago). So you see my xmm is not wanting to talk to me. I can't really hold my head up high or get control bc he isn't calling me. I know I haven't called him but I can't have that humilation again. It was like his feelings were just cut off after I called and made sure there were no hard feelings. He told me then he could never hate me and he was thinking about me all weekend. How could he say that and three days later not want anything to do with me. I had to see him this past weekend and we acted like we didn't know each other. He said hey to me and my husband and I looked away. Later we saw them again and I just talked to his wife. I did say when he asked what we were about to do - I said he needed to go get his pregnant wife something to eat and that is when he looked over at me and our eyes finally met for a second. I looked away after that and we left. (They had an unexpected pregnancy - she went in to get her tubes tied and found out she was. They are not happy bc they didn't want another child. will be #4) That is maybe why he hasn't contacted me and trying to get his life together. They found out a week after we broke it off. I still think he just didn't want anything to do with me anymore and that hurts - how would you feel? Rejected, maybe. I know it doesn't matter what he thinks but somehow right now its hard not to feel that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 11:55am
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Sweetie, we ALL feel that way...

My exMM left me (and he did so over the phone, nice, huh?) for his W and kid 2 months ago. I poured my heart and soul into that stupid A (not to mention quite a bit of $$), and he didn't want me. He didn't really love me. All that he'd said, was a lie. And that hurt like hell. Still does.

I broke NC once. I wondered how he could possibly not want to speak to me at all. He's called my apartment twice since then and left no message. Maybe that means he's thinking of me, but obviously not enough to actually want to SPEAK to me.

It doesn't matter whether his W's pregnancy was planned, or not...they're going to have a child. And you can't be any part of that. Not to mention he already has 3 others? Yikes.

No wonder he's not paying attention to you...he has his hands full.

You've got to start focusing on YOU. Your life, your future. And he's not part of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 12:08pm
Thank you for responding. I know you are right. he does have his hands full. I do want to move on and I am doing great with my husband, You just can't help sometime to feel rejected especially when then don't want to talk to you anymore and they are the ones that were so adamant about being together someday. Its hard to think that they didn't love you. I'm not 100% sure he did but during the time he sure did act like it. It was almost an obsessive thing with him. He used to make me promise I would love him and be with only him. I just think about some things he used to say. One of the last times we were together(last day of August)- he told me he would love to pay his neighbor $100 to seduce his wife and get her drunk and then he would leave her. Also he wanted to take my husband out and get him drunk and try to get him to pick up somebody so he could come back and tell me and I would leave him. Crazy thought, huh. Real good guy. I hate that I wasted so much on him and it comes down to feeling rejected at the end when the whole time he made me feel and kept telling me I was too good for him and how I could ever be interested in him. He at least, upgraded with his conquest but I downgraded with mine bc my husband is so much better in so many ways. That is also where I feel like a fool.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 12:34pm
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I completely understand. We're human, and we don't ever want to think that someone we gave ourselves to could so lightly brush us off like so much garbage. Its depressing and humiliating.

My exMM was the same way...poured on the love talk, how we were fated to be together, now I was the greatest thing ever, etc etc...I am sure at the time, he meant it, in a way. But obviously, not enough.

I too feel foolish. Foolish that I let myself get hooked up with this guy who anyone could have told me would NEVER leave his W and kid for me. Foolish for having taken him back TWICE after he went back home (oh and on top of that, he unleashed his W on me, let her threaten me, let her find out who I was and where I worked...pretty smart girl I am, huh?). Foolish for giving him my heart and my body and my mind...for nothing. And like you, I felt he "upgraded" while I "downgraded" to be with him.

But you have to let that go. Its not easy. Obviously I'm still struggling, or I wouldn't be contemplating showing up at his workplace to remind him of what he lost.

You'll drive yourself crazy if you focus on the past. I try to think as little as possible about all the things he said to me. I burned the letters he wrote. I deleted all his PMs and emails. I changed my cell phone number.

I do still see him online (thats a whole other ball of wax involving ANOTHER man, but that's a long and tedious story) and that's kind of odd. But I do find myself getting desensitized.

Don't get me wrong, if I ever see him again, I know my blood will freeze and my heart will be in my throat.

Just keep reminding yourself of all the things you didn't like about him...all the bad things he said and/or did...and how great your H is. And how you yourself are too good to belittle yourself with this A...with him, or anyone.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 12:41pm
merehud, rejection is definitely painful, and learning to deal with it is also a big part of getting over an A! Just try to not take this "rejection" personally; if he is to get on with his life and be there for his pregnant wife and his 3 kids -- he HAS to have nothing to do with you. It doesn't mean you are not attractive or that you are unlovable or unworthy. It is really not about you! Try to remember that, and try also to remind yourself that he is doing you a HUGE favor by not contacting you. The less contact you have with him the sooner you can move on with your own life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 2:10pm
Thank you and I know deep down inside that is what he needs to do. I guess, I just hate the fact that he was not wanting to be with me bc of his wife. He never once told me that. We didn't end things bc he wanted to work on his marriage. He just couldn't stand it anymore that I was constantly asking him why we are still talking and always bringing back the subject of why we are doing this when he isn't going to leave his wife right now. He had no guilt for what he did but I guess my intuitions were trying to tell me something when I just couldn't have a normal conversation with him without bringing up our situation. I could have just remained talking with him and been happy go lucky but that is not who I am. I know I need to be with my husband. I love him and my daughter. I will always live with the guilt I have. It just hurts though that he can turn off his feelings so fast and turn away when I am left here to wallow with rejection that I brought upon myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 2:20pm
Frankly Mere I think he will contact you

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 2:39pm
Mere, you really don't know WHAT he is thinking, honestly...he could be upset, he could not.

And he said he's not staying for his W...well, he's still staying, so does it matter why?

Sometimes I think men kid themselves to make it easier to deal with reality.

At any rate, his feelings are no longer relevant.

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anonymous user
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 4:35pm


I hope you are not taking his failure to contact you (by phone, etc..) personally. He is, most likely, handling it in a way that he only knows how to deal with it.

To be honest, I did the same thing to my x-mm; I broke numerous promises to get in touch with him (via phone). I even told him I would call him the next day...spinelessly, I called him in four weeks (he could not reach me, changed my cell number). I simply could not allow myself to grow attached to him again...just knew if I got into that phone conversation (once, twice...), I would have been "suctioned" back in AGAIN. To let you know, I did have strong feelings (in love with him) for him at the time I "blew" him off. I NEVER meant to hurt him but simply, what could I or he win/gain from a relationship that appeared to be a dead-end? Once I knew that, I grew colder, more "repressed".

As for your x-mm, his wife is pregnant. Clearly, he is torn between his familial "obligations" and you; if anything, he has ethics, conscience. Many men tend to choose obligations (what's expected of them) over their desire, regardless how "strongly" they feel about the "significant" other. If he is "suddenly" cold, most likely he has stronger feelings for you than you realize.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 5:21pm
beenthere2004

Thanks for also responding but I don't understand your last statement. You said if he is suddenly colder to you that he may have stronger feelings than I thought. How could that be? If you totally turn away from someone, doesn't that mean that you don't care anymore?

How do you know if someone just doesn't care anymore or that they may really be over you. We did say I love you and the last time we said it was two weeks before we ended it. Please explain. I know he has family obligations and I know that is where he needs to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 5:29pm
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You don't. And you should stop trying to find that answer. It will drive you crazy and it serves no purpose. If you have no future together, it doesn't matter what he's feeling. All that matters is what's going on w/you and your family.

If you read enough around here, you'll realize we all left our A's with unanswered questions, unreconciled feelings, uncertainties between us and the ex. But that's just the way it is with an A...you will never find those answers, reconcile those feelings, or have everything sorted out when you leave.

Think back to other breakups you've had in your life...did you ever move on with complete closure, or with a complete understanding of what your ex felt and was going through? I know that I did not. I knew more then about those old boyfriends when they moved on than I do currently about my exMM...but my point is that, when any relationship fails, there are just some things that will never be resolved.

I would guess that part of your issue is similar to mine...your ego is hurt, and you want it stroked. I know I did (and do). You want to continue to know that he cares.

But it doesn't matter if he cares for you, or not, any more. Even if he doesn't, you are still loveable, still deserving of happiness. He couldn't, or wouldn't, give that to you...so work on relationships with people in your life who do.