I may need a break from here - pl help
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I may need a break from here - pl help
| Tue, 10-26-2004 - 11:08am |
I have been reading posts and posting for about three weeks and there are some days I feel really good and then there are days I feel like @@@@. I appreciate everyone responding to my posts and giving me advice bc I do need it. I think my friends are so sick of hearing about I feel and what I am thinking. I think my problem is that I read all these posts and 99% of them are the xmm calling or texting you. Mine had not done that - in fact after we ended things (I told him we needed to move on with our lives and this was just really hard on me and then the next day I told him I did want to be with him. - back and forth) He know I wnat to be with him but there are too many obtacles and I love my husband. The last call I made after we yelled at each other went well. I called to make sure there were no hard feelings. I didn't tell him I was thinking about him and he did to me. I got off the phone and didn't try to talk to him. It felt great. Three days later I called him and he didn't want to talk to me. He said he would call me back. (4 weeks ago). So you see my xmm is not wanting to talk to me. I can't really hold my head up high or get control bc he isn't calling me. I know I haven't called him but I can't have that humilation again. It was like his feelings were just cut off after I called and made sure there were no hard feelings. He told me then he could never hate me and he was thinking about me all weekend. How could he say that and three days later not want anything to do with me. I had to see him this past weekend and we acted like we didn't know each other. He said hey to me and my husband and I looked away. Later we saw them again and I just talked to his wife. I did say when he asked what we were about to do - I said he needed to go get his pregnant wife something to eat and that is when he looked over at me and our eyes finally met for a second. I looked away after that and we left. (They had an unexpected pregnancy - she went in to get her tubes tied and found out she was. They are not happy bc they didn't want another child. will be #4) That is maybe why he hasn't contacted me and trying to get his life together. They found out a week after we broke it off. I still think he just didn't want anything to do with me anymore and that hurts - how would you feel? Rejected, maybe. I know it doesn't matter what he thinks but somehow right now its hard not to feel that way.

Sweetie, we ALL feel that way...
My exMM left me (and he did so over the phone, nice, huh?) for his W and kid 2 months ago. I poured my heart and soul into that stupid A (not to mention quite a bit of $$), and he didn't want me. He didn't really love me. All that he'd said, was a lie. And that hurt like hell. Still does.
I broke NC once. I wondered how he could possibly not want to speak to me at all. He's called my apartment twice since then and left no message. Maybe that means he's thinking of me, but obviously not enough to actually want to SPEAK to me.
It doesn't matter whether his W's pregnancy was planned, or not...they're going to have a child. And you can't be any part of that. Not to mention he already has 3 others? Yikes.
No wonder he's not paying attention to you...he has his hands full.
You've got to start focusing on YOU. Your life, your future. And he's not part of it.
I completely understand. We're human, and we don't ever want to think that someone we gave ourselves to could so lightly brush us off like so much garbage. Its depressing and humiliating.
My exMM was the same way...poured on the love talk, how we were fated to be together, now I was the greatest thing ever, etc etc...I am sure at the time, he meant it, in a way. But obviously, not enough.
I too feel foolish. Foolish that I let myself get hooked up with this guy who anyone could have told me would NEVER leave his W and kid for me. Foolish for having taken him back TWICE after he went back home (oh and on top of that, he unleashed his W on me, let her threaten me, let her find out who I was and where I worked...pretty smart girl I am, huh?). Foolish for giving him my heart and my body and my mind...for nothing. And like you, I felt he "upgraded" while I "downgraded" to be with him.
But you have to let that go. Its not easy. Obviously I'm still struggling, or I wouldn't be contemplating showing up at his workplace to remind him of what he lost.
You'll drive yourself crazy if you focus on the past. I try to think as little as possible about all the things he said to me. I burned the letters he wrote. I deleted all his PMs and emails. I changed my cell phone number.
I do still see him online (thats a whole other ball of wax involving ANOTHER man, but that's a long and tedious story) and that's kind of odd. But I do find myself getting desensitized.
Don't get me wrong, if I ever see him again, I know my blood will freeze and my heart will be in my throat.
Just keep reminding yourself of all the things you didn't like about him...all the bad things he said and/or did...and how great your H is. And how you yourself are too good to belittle yourself with this A...with him, or anyone.
Survive
And he said he's not staying for his W...well, he's still staying, so does it matter why?
Sometimes I think men kid themselves to make it easier to deal with reality.
At any rate, his feelings are no longer relevant.
I hope you are not taking his failure to contact you (by phone, etc..) personally. He is, most likely, handling it in a way that he only knows how to deal with it.
To be honest, I did the same thing to my x-mm; I broke numerous promises to get in touch with him (via phone). I even told him I would call him the next day...spinelessly, I called him in four weeks (he could not reach me, changed my cell number). I simply could not allow myself to grow attached to him again...just knew if I got into that phone conversation (once, twice...), I would have been "suctioned" back in AGAIN. To let you know, I did have strong feelings (in love with him) for him at the time I "blew" him off. I NEVER meant to hurt him but simply, what could I or he win/gain from a relationship that appeared to be a dead-end? Once I knew that, I grew colder, more "repressed".
As for your x-mm, his wife is pregnant. Clearly, he is torn between his familial "obligations" and you; if anything, he has ethics, conscience. Many men tend to choose obligations (what's expected of them) over their desire, regardless how "strongly" they feel about the "significant" other. If he is "suddenly" cold, most likely he has stronger feelings for you than you realize.....
Thanks for also responding but I don't understand your last statement. You said if he is suddenly colder to you that he may have stronger feelings than I thought. How could that be? If you totally turn away from someone, doesn't that mean that you don't care anymore?
How do you know if someone just doesn't care anymore or that they may really be over you. We did say I love you and the last time we said it was two weeks before we ended it. Please explain. I know he has family obligations and I know that is where he needs to be.
You don't. And you should stop trying to find that answer. It will drive you crazy and it serves no purpose. If you have no future together, it doesn't matter what he's feeling. All that matters is what's going on w/you and your family.
If you read enough around here, you'll realize we all left our A's with unanswered questions, unreconciled feelings, uncertainties between us and the ex. But that's just the way it is with an A...you will never find those answers, reconcile those feelings, or have everything sorted out when you leave.
Think back to other breakups you've had in your life...did you ever move on with complete closure, or with a complete understanding of what your ex felt and was going through? I know that I did not. I knew more then about those old boyfriends when they moved on than I do currently about my exMM...but my point is that, when any relationship fails, there are just some things that will never be resolved.
I would guess that part of your issue is similar to mine...your ego is hurt, and you want it stroked. I know I did (and do). You want to continue to know that he cares.
But it doesn't matter if he cares for you, or not, any more. Even if he doesn't, you are still loveable, still deserving of happiness. He couldn't, or wouldn't, give that to you...so work on relationships with people in your life who do.