I messed up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
I messed up!
3
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 1:44am
I messed up and i'm so mad at myself for doing this. I was doing NC for 2 months and had not seen MM for 3, we never ended it but we both just stopped calling. But i ran into him couple of weeks ago where i was with my H, and we just talked for a few minutes. First time he met my H, it was very awkward.

I could not get him out of my head after that, and i decided to go see him at a place where he always goes for lunch. I know it was a bad decision but i went and he was surprised to see me of course. He kept on staring at me when we were eating and after we talked about just everyday stuff, he told me that he still thinks about me everyday. And so i asked him what happened and even though i also never called him but i was wondering why he did not pursue me, and he said that the last time we talked he felt like we were on two different boats and that I always wanted to end it and i thought things were going horrible (which is true and i was always frustrated and wanted to end it but couldn't) and he thought things were going great. So he said he decided to just not call because we just didn't see the A the same way. But he said he missed me, and i gave in :(

Before i was leaving he asked if i he could call me and i said yes. He said he will call me next week after he returns from vacation which is tomorrow and i'm very confused i don't know if i should just not answer my phone, since i already got my explanation and just want to be the one to end it. I know i made a big mistake and should have kept NC, now i'm so angry at myself for doing it. I don't want to seem like the weak one, even though in his mind i probably am since i approached him again. Why did i do it? What should i do?

I know someone told me to act like a man and i should have but somehow i broke down. Where is my pride?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
In reply to: i_twilight
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 7:13am
(((((i don't know if i should just not answer my phone, since i already got my explanation)))))

Possibly he thought about it too over his vacation and will not call. But, if he does, not talking to him again will put you right back to square 1 with all of this. If you honestly feel that you "slipped" and do not want to re-open past wounds, then tell him this. Avoiding his phone calls will hurt you more than it will hurt him. You will suffer in silence over and over again for not being honest with yourself and him.

In my gut, I honestly believe that these men Do miss us when it's over. They are also human (hard to believe sometimes ;) but they are better able to shut off their emotions. Us women over analyze EVERYTHING and the "what ifs, whys, maybes" keep rambling around in our brains long afterwards. What we need to understand is when our intuition tells us that something is wrong, that we are uncomfortable, that we feel duped or used, it is that "other" voice of truth talking to us, and we must acknowledge it, as difficult as it can be most of the time.

I guess what I am trying to say here is, if you KNOW in your mind that it's OVER, your heart will follow suite even though that process takes far more time than our mental realizations. Kinda like the fable, "the turtle and the hare". Look at your heart as being the turtle, but always keep in sight that it eventually wins, and then you can move on.

Good luck,

True

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: i_twilight
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 10:18am
True,

Thank you for your reply. Your advice really made me thinking and you're right in my mind i've known for a long time that I should have ended the A but my heart kept on going back. And if i don't answer my phone i will always feel like the A is still not over like what happened before.

I feel so much better and you are right these men probably do miss us too otherwise they wouldn't have been with us either for such long time. They just don't show their emotions. SOmetimes i wonder if i go back just out of boredom since when i'm busy i don't think about him as often. Do you think we love these men or just love the attention they give us and how they make us feel? I know I would never leave my H, so that's why sometimes i think women love the attention so much that we think we are in love with the person.

Thank you again for your words of encouragement

Twilight



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
In reply to: i_twilight
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 10:43am
>>>>>>>>>>he thought things were going great. So he said he decided to just not call because we just didn't see the A the same way.<<<<<<<<<

Yes, this is true for my xMM and I. He saw nothing wrong with what we were doing--were I would belabor our relationship, and he couldn't relate to any of my doubts and fears. He went so far to say I was pushing him away by talking this way. He never acknowledged my feelings--nor understood them. They seemed to upset--he'd cry at times for fear of losing me, but I couldn't help but think it was a way of emotionally manipulating me to stay in the relationship. The tears would work, albeit temporarily, but I would always keep coming back to my negative thoughts about what were doing.


>>>>>>>>>SOmetimes i wonder if i go back just out of boredom since when i'm busy i don't think about him as often. Do you think we love these men or just love the attention they give us and how they make us feel? I know I would never leave my H, so that's why sometimes i think women love the attention so much that we think we are in love with the person. <<<<<<<<<<<<<

Bull's-eye! I would have to agree wholeheartedly with this statement. It's as if I could have typed this--word for word! Just know you not alone in your thoughts and feelings regarding your xMM. I know in my heart it's over--this time is different for me. I can feel a shift. I can clearly see him for what he is, and I don't like what I see. I won't deny I don't still think I love him--that would be a lie, but I do know, as each day goes by, I can't help but get stronger in my resolve to move on with my life. ~ifm