I Messed Up REALLY Bad!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2009
I Messed Up REALLY Bad!!!
6
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 9:29pm

After doing well with LC and limited eye contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 9:58pm

"How could I be so stupid?"

***

First off ((hugs)) for your hurting.

Secondly, you tell us.

You don't get 'there' by slipping and falling.

Moment by moment you were having internal dialogue - there was bantering back and forth going on between your junky mind and your rational self. You decided to do this. This just did not happen. You have to unpack for yourself all the justifications you fed yourself. Then when you have 'it' there all out on the table ... you'll see what you're dealing with: the need for self-esteem, personal growth, healing, therapy, support ... commitment.

You are going to have to seriously ask yourself how low, and for how long, are you willing to go? Only when you have had enough of the hurt, the degradation of a quickie on his desk after work, are you going to push yourself toward a more courageous path. It takes tremendous courage to believe you are worth more than this, that your self-worth is NOT defined by whether or not an engaged man who lacks so much respect for you that he can treat you the way he does, and then bend you over his desk.

I say this, because I have been there. I have suffered that humiliation myself. I have participated in my own harm and the harm of others greatly, including my H, my children, my XAp and his family.

Please read this long, but amazing letter I post every now and again from an article. I hope you will take the message to heart:

***

The story you've told me - like the stories of many if not most 'other women' - is a story of personal humiliation. Sure, at the beginning, it seemed everything was up for grabs, all was possible, there was a sense of a possible future. In that scenario, the deception, lies, disloyalty and compromises could all be seen as short-term, necessary, mere temporary stepping-stones, and, above all, shared, mutual, part of a path both of you were on. In the cold light of early morning, it may not have felt that good. But it didn't yet damage your sense of self-worth, because there was hope of a different to-morrow.

It's the shared sense of commitment to some kind of future, which makes the distasteful elements of an affaire manageable. It may not be right, but it feels permissible, when two people want to be together. The compromises only really start to bite, when that future is cancelled, or hope is extinguished. Then the shoddiness of second-best, and secrets, becomes apparent. And self-esteem starts to vanish. That's what happened to you. You were put in your place. The terrible thing about that place, is that it means you have no right to any kind of consideration. Your feelings are not spared, as he talks of his wife and family and all he's doing with them and for them. You never win the time contest, if there's a conflict between some plan with you and a sudden family contingency. You are not minded, or cared for, when sick or distressed, or only within very strict limits. You are a secret, have no social standing as any kind of partner, must be denied on any accidental meeting even with acquaintances. There is very little honour in any of that. Low self-esteem is the inevitable result.

The problem with low self-esteem is that it often leads to us continuing in an impossible situation - in fact in the very situation which has handed our self-esteem such a serious blow in the first place. Apart from the fact that, rightly or wrongly, you loved this man, and as you explained, thought that seeing him even just the odd time would lessen the pain, what held you in there was the fact that you lost sight of what is right and proper. Low self-esteem leads people to believe, deep down, that they don't deserve any better, that whatever shoddy deal is handed to them is good enough, since they are so unworthy. So women stay - and men too, for affairs are not all a question of a single woman and married man.

That's why it took great courage for you to end it. Because courage is what is required when we don't really think much of ourselves and yet opt to make a serious decision, in our own best interests. For what you had to do was take a leap of faith, faith in yourself. You had to act as if you believed you were worthy, even though you weren't so sure. And what's comforting you now, is the awareness that you did the right thing, for you. You stood up for yourself. You removed yourself from the indignity of your situation.
The problem is that dignity is precious, essential really, but it doesn't give us a lot of consolation. It does, however, give us the basis for building a happier future. So of course you're glad you pulled the plug on your relationship. Of course you feel good about it. Of course you're right that the woman who wrote, and prompted your own, letter will get through the terrible pain of ending her affair. You'll get through your sadness too. Just be patient with yourself. And pay attention to your self-esteem. It has been very badly bruised. In other words, you're still vulnerable. So take care.

***

My best to you in the coming hours - i know they will be rough,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 6/16/2010 10:00 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 11:54pm

Ok so I’m struggling with calling you your moniker because it’s not hello that we need to work on but goodbye!


First hugs and a belated welcome to EAS…wish it was under a better circumstance but it seems like we are the welcomers of the poor (depleted in self-esteem),

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 7:17am

AG,


You are probably feeling quite down today after letting this user take advantage of you again. Perhaps part of you wanted to prove that you are still desirable to him (BTDT), but the truth is, you were "available" to him. He didn't even have to leave his office to get his rocks off. I remember feeling like a call girl only there was never any money exchanged. I gave away by pride, self esteem, dignity, and integrity for nothing. Talk about feeling stupid...I felt lower than low for almost 4 years, yet I thought he LOVED me. Yeah, right.


It's time for you to make the hard decision to STOP the madness, or continue to be his office floozy. Counseling may help you tremendously in getting to the root of your self esteem issues, but I know that deep down inside you are miserable whether you get your ego fed or not. It's a lose, lose situation. Only you can pull yourself out of this mess so the best thing you can do for yourself right now is tell him that it's never going to happen again. I had to do this, and although is a was gut wrenching moment, the air was finally cleared. If he continues to disrespect you like this, looking for new employment should be on your "Things to do" list.


It's time to do the right thing and I am hoping your find the strength to pull it off.


(((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 10:17am

Aloha,


I know this is a humiliating, vomit-inducing time for you right now. I know because I BTDT a month ago.


I tried breaking off in February/March, was good for nearly a month, then went and saw him, and of course we had sex. We met at a restaurant, had a couple drinks, then headed to his place in two separate cars. I parked behind a building in his town, then hopped in his car for the rest of the ride to his place. I stayed the night. The next morning he dropped me off at my car. And you know what? As soon as I got out of the car he drove off. Before I was even in my car!! Talk about feeling like a worthless POS. I texted him about 30 minutes later and never heard from him. That hurt tremendously. I thought he liked me, that we liked each other and that we enjoyed the fun we were having

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 11:01am

I just wanted to check-back in to see how you were doing today?

Please let us know how you are managing - as we've all BTDT and know the low afterward is pretty darn low.

Thinking about you and sending you ((hugs))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 11:16am

Oh my, we have all BTDT. I remember bending over a desk or two for xmm and it makes me cringe to think about how low I had sunk. BUT, it has been years and I made a resolution to myself that I will NEVER allow another man to use me again. You can recover from this. You can't run and bury your head in the sand. You have to figure out why you don't love and yourself enough to not allow this to happen. Its hard work and you will have to deal with some demons within you but it can be done. Stay on EAS and read in the Healing Library and post daily if you need to but don't run away. You can make a change and you can learn from this and reach a higher ground if you want to. Empower yourself by saying NO the next time MM comes sniffing around and don't allow yourself to ever be alone with him again. There is nothing flattering about being some mm's play toy.