Good girl for coming here instead of contacting him. It's okay. Feelings are feelings, just as long as we don't act upon them, we'll be fine.
This is all a part of the emotional rollercoaster we talk so much about., and you are grieving a loss. One day we are missing them, next day we are angry towards them, next day we are relieved we are out, next day sad, next day glad, next day murderous towards them, next day back to missing them again. Again, as long as we don't act upon them (especially that murderous part), we can't hurt ourselves. And every time we do, we feel more empowered because we exercised impulse control and well just made it through. And really, over time, the intensity of these emotions will ease up.
I can' help but think, though, if we are missing them, we are spending too much time looking backwards. Someone here once said "Don't look backwards...you're not going that way." I love that. And if you are missing him, chances are good that maybe you are romancizing the affair...stuck in the 'fond' memories. Of course, the problem with that is that there was nothing romantic or fond about it. It was a relationship fueled by lies and deceipt. Or maybe you are just missing the feelgoods he provided...the feelgoods you already had inside of you...and he was just the person who showed up at the right time, right place, when you were vulnerable..and tapped into them.
Maybe it might not be a bad idea to make a list of all the positives of being out. I heard that is more effective than a list of the negatives. A list of the negatives is not a bad thing, but it's best to refer to the list of positives more often.
Do you want to talk about what in particular you are missing. Maybe we can help you work through it...help you reframe to keep things real and in perspective.
I'm around...always am.
I agree with you lethobenthosgirl; I have had a really rough day of constant thoughts, trying to get rid of them and not doing very well. I just miss him and want to talk to him. (((hugs)))
want to ditto what Daisy said. I remember well when I first came here. Yikes! There are a ton of 19th century novels where girls are sick and thought to be dying due to a broken heart. I remember those first few days/weeks..thinking oh my god..those stories aren't fiction! You really CAN die of a broken heart.
I am no expert here. But I am currently succesfully (can FINALLY say that) 30something days n.c...I sorta lost count. And while I still hurt, miss him, etc. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I can sit and enjoy the moment ..or sometimes..the hour...or sometimes? Even 1/2 a day. I am starting to envision a future..MY future..without angst about whether xAP is in or out of my life. I am starting to be able to really listen to the people (family and friends) I truly care about without seeing them as an interference in my "time"..or lack there-of..with xAP. I can start celebrating the lives of those around me again.
But mostly? I am taking back honesty in my life. And this allows me to sleep well at night. The knowledge that I told No lies of omission, half-truths or flat out lies today...or this week...or even last month. That consistency is creeping back into my integrity and character.
So hang in there. Help eachother out..and know we are all here with you.
The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.
I agree, I think the main thing is I want him out of my head!! He has been a constant in my head for 2 years now. I just want my mind back without all the crazy!! I can't even remember what I used to think about!!
Also, I want to talk freely to friends and family, I want to talk about what's on my mind, not be secretive about the main thing in my head!! I want to feel honest and right with the world.
I am so grateful for all that I have and for how lucky I am, I don't want to lose all that over JAM. I want to be FREE!!
Good luck and have a great day for YOU!
I really have bad to say about xAP. I aven't seen him for 15+ months, been out of the A that long (broke up the last time i saw him) and have been NC for almost 8 months.
I still miss him. we were very good friends for over a decade before the A.
When I am having a particularly bad day, I try to remember the pros of not being in contact with him.
Not having to wonder when I will hear from him (he tried to ration himself because of the guilt).
Not having to wonder when I will see him again (we lived in different cities but I travelled to his on business several times a year).
Not feeling guilty all the time.
Not helping my friend bring out the worst in *himself* as well as bringing out the worst in myself.
Less obsessive wondering abouthow he *really* feels about me.
No feeling like a blow up doll.]
No feeling like "second best" (even though I never would have left my H for him either, esepcially not since xAP and I had 5 kids under 10 between us).
Missing him is better than feeling the way I felt in the A.
And it lessens. It really does. I can go several hours without thinkign about him now.
It gets better.