I must be healing....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
I must be healing....
4
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 9:19am

Eight weeks today of NC and NO NEW HURTS.

I was down yesterday after not hearing about a job interview I had on Monday (was told either way would hear Wed or Thurs about second interview) thought perhaps a way to get over job interview hurt, would be comforting to think about happy times with xMM. Okay, I was momentarily weak. Throughout the day, I knew why I was tense because of the job situation, told myself, this too shall pass, but a small part of me wanted comfort from xMM.

Funny thing is when I tried to conjure up past times when I went to xMM for comfort, I couldn't FEEL anything from the memories. I replayed scenarios in my head, but I couldn't evoke the emotions that went with them. It would be like watching a movie without the sound. You know sound should accompany the movie, you might even know the dialogue, but I couldn't force the sound to come out.

I was awestruck by this. I had been purposely pushing thoughts of xMM out of my head for several weeks now. When my thoughts would wander to him, I would immediately get busy, do something else, if I was alone, sing out loud, repeat la la la la la to stop the memories. NOW, when I tried to recall good memories, those feelings that made me feel good, all warm and fuzzy inside, well, nothing happened. I tested myself further by recalling the sexual, intimate moments and its like I am a brick wall. My mind can't seem to go there anymore. I can recall the memories, but the feelings behind them do nothing anymore. No adrenalin rush, no warm feelings anywhere.

MO

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 10:17am

Hi MO,


Cute pic. About the job interview, call them. Get a straight answer instead of wondering because in this situation, you will actually hear one. ;-)


About not being able to conjure up

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 12:10pm

8 weeks!? Amazing! I am so proud of you (-:

I can totally relate to what you said about there being no emotions attached to the memories. I am finding this too. I might be triggered to think about an experience we shared but it doesn't impact me the way it would have in the past. I have come to accept that I will have memories, but realize now that I don't need to dwell in them and I certainly don't need to sit in them long enough to see what emotion the memory brings with it.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you about the job!

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 2:06pm

Hurrah! 8 weeks... that is a big milestone and you are definitely healing.


I still have emotions around certain memories, but nothing like it used to be. Now I am able to catalog the emotion and thank my lucky stars that I have safeguarded myself against being hurt like that anymore. We escaped the horror... and it is still scary to reflect on, but it gets easier and easier. I am glad to hear you are making so much progress. Keep it up.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 2:33pm

I'm so happy for you MO :) Just more proof that the "NC system" really works!

Bodhi