I must be healing....
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| Fri, 07-30-2010 - 9:19am |
Eight weeks today of NC and NO NEW HURTS.
I was down yesterday after not hearing about a job interview I had on Monday (was told either way would hear Wed or Thurs about second interview) thought perhaps a way to get over job interview hurt, would be comforting to think about happy times with xMM. Okay, I was momentarily weak. Throughout the day, I knew why I was tense because of the job situation, told myself, this too shall pass, but a small part of me wanted comfort from xMM.
Funny thing is when I tried to conjure up past times when I went to xMM for comfort, I couldn't FEEL anything from the memories. I replayed scenarios in my head, but I couldn't evoke the emotions that went with them. It would be like watching a movie without the sound. You know sound should accompany the movie, you might even know the dialogue, but I couldn't force the sound to come out.
I was awestruck by this. I had been purposely pushing thoughts of xMM out of my head for several weeks now. When my thoughts would wander to him, I would immediately get busy, do something else, if I was alone, sing out loud, repeat la la la la la to stop the memories. NOW, when I tried to recall good memories, those feelings that made me feel good, all warm and fuzzy inside, well, nothing happened. I tested myself further by recalling the sexual, intimate moments and its like I am a brick wall. My mind can't seem to go there anymore. I can recall the memories, but the feelings behind them do nothing anymore. No adrenalin rush, no warm feelings anywhere.
MO

Hi MO,
Cute pic. About the job interview, call them. Get a straight answer instead of wondering because in this situation, you will actually hear one. ;-)
About not being able to conjure up
~Iddy~
8 weeks!? Amazing! I am so proud of you (-:
I can totally relate to what you said about there being no emotions attached to the memories. I am finding this too. I might be triggered to think about an experience we shared but it doesn't impact me the way it would have in the past. I have come to accept that I will have memories, but realize now that I don't need to dwell in them and I certainly don't need to sit in them long enough to see what emotion the memory brings with it.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you about the job!
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hurrah! 8 weeks... that is a big milestone and you are definitely healing.
I still have emotions around certain memories, but nothing like it used to be. Now I am able to catalog the emotion and thank my lucky stars that I have safeguarded myself against being hurt like that anymore. We escaped the horror... and it is still scary to reflect on, but it gets easier and easier. I am glad to hear you are making so much progress. Keep it up.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
I'm so happy for you MO :) Just more proof that the "NC system" really works!
Bodhi