I NEED ADVICE - Confidence Breach
Find a Conversation
I NEED ADVICE - Confidence Breach
| Wed, 01-12-2005 - 12:51am |
First of all, I'm an idiot. I realize that. Hopefully my situation will cure others of the need to share their situation outside of a relatively anonymous message board such as this one, but in the meantime, I think I could use some advice.
There may some on this board who remember my situation.
Long story short. Married 15 years, with children. Impotent but nice husband, who doesn't seem to be very interested about doing anything about his problem. Met someone who could do something about mine. Had first sex in 5 years. Lasted about 2 months. Slowly disenegrated, probably because he (also married) felt guilty. I pretty much figured I was going to go crazy if I never had intercourse ever again in my life. I do not want to hurt my husband though, and I know he would never get over it if he found out. It's the most selfish thing I have ever done. I don't regret it...yet. I would if he found out.
One night many months ago, I confided in a good friend. She had done something really, really stupid sexually, and she confided in me about it. In a weak moment I confided in her about my own situation and of course made her promise not to ever breathe a word to a living soul. My friend has done a lot of changing over the last year, and unfortunately, has made many many more bad decisions in her life, most of it relating to a severe drinking problem that has recently reared its ugly head since she had intestinal bypass surgery.
She breached the confidence by telling her boyfriend at the time. I found out when they broke up after he found out she'd cheated on him. I have been crossing my fingers for the last 6 months that he doesn't call up my husband some day - or the other man's wife, and blab the secret, just to use the harmful power he posesses.
In the meantime I have maintained my friendship - very carefully - with this woman. I admonished her, explained how very very very sensitive that information was, and how important it was that she not ever share that info again. I kick myself every day for telling her. Anyway, as her drinking problem has progressed, I have been discussing how best to support her with another one of her close friends that I only know through this situation. And yesterday - you guessed it - I found out that she had also told this person about the fact that I strayed. She told her when she was distraught over the fact that I was upset over the fact that she had told her boyfriend. Do I think this other friend - who doesn't know my husband - will ever tell my husband? No. Do I think her ex-boyfriend will? I dunno. Probably not. But I don't know who she might tell next week, and I don't know if someday her ex-boyfriend might meet my XMM's wife and tell her, simply because he can and he's a hurt, spiteful man, or if someday my friend might get upset with me and tell my husband or the other man's wife, but I feel like suddenly I have reason to live my life in fear of my husband finding out. I do NOT, I repeat NOT want to just come out and tell him what I did. I know him well. He would not ever be able to even look me in the face again if he found out that I had done this, even though he is physically unable to have intercourse with me, and is unwilling to see a doctor because he's ashamed. He's a recovering Catholic, basically, and just can't handle it. I don't want his life to be destroyed. I just wish it had all never happened. Didn't I say this was going to be short? Hah! Sorry this is so long...I have a lot of angst to get out. But I need some advice on how to handle this situation.
There may some on this board who remember my situation.
Long story short. Married 15 years, with children. Impotent but nice husband, who doesn't seem to be very interested about doing anything about his problem. Met someone who could do something about mine. Had first sex in 5 years. Lasted about 2 months. Slowly disenegrated, probably because he (also married) felt guilty. I pretty much figured I was going to go crazy if I never had intercourse ever again in my life. I do not want to hurt my husband though, and I know he would never get over it if he found out. It's the most selfish thing I have ever done. I don't regret it...yet. I would if he found out.
One night many months ago, I confided in a good friend. She had done something really, really stupid sexually, and she confided in me about it. In a weak moment I confided in her about my own situation and of course made her promise not to ever breathe a word to a living soul. My friend has done a lot of changing over the last year, and unfortunately, has made many many more bad decisions in her life, most of it relating to a severe drinking problem that has recently reared its ugly head since she had intestinal bypass surgery.
She breached the confidence by telling her boyfriend at the time. I found out when they broke up after he found out she'd cheated on him. I have been crossing my fingers for the last 6 months that he doesn't call up my husband some day - or the other man's wife, and blab the secret, just to use the harmful power he posesses.
In the meantime I have maintained my friendship - very carefully - with this woman. I admonished her, explained how very very very sensitive that information was, and how important it was that she not ever share that info again. I kick myself every day for telling her. Anyway, as her drinking problem has progressed, I have been discussing how best to support her with another one of her close friends that I only know through this situation. And yesterday - you guessed it - I found out that she had also told this person about the fact that I strayed. She told her when she was distraught over the fact that I was upset over the fact that she had told her boyfriend. Do I think this other friend - who doesn't know my husband - will ever tell my husband? No. Do I think her ex-boyfriend will? I dunno. Probably not. But I don't know who she might tell next week, and I don't know if someday her ex-boyfriend might meet my XMM's wife and tell her, simply because he can and he's a hurt, spiteful man, or if someday my friend might get upset with me and tell my husband or the other man's wife, but I feel like suddenly I have reason to live my life in fear of my husband finding out. I do NOT, I repeat NOT want to just come out and tell him what I did. I know him well. He would not ever be able to even look me in the face again if he found out that I had done this, even though he is physically unable to have intercourse with me, and is unwilling to see a doctor because he's ashamed. He's a recovering Catholic, basically, and just can't handle it. I don't want his life to be destroyed. I just wish it had all never happened. Didn't I say this was going to be short? Hah! Sorry this is so long...I have a lot of angst to get out. But I need some advice on how to handle this situation.

Hello Do:
Have you ever heard the saying "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"? My suggestion is to A) remain friends with this woman as long as she wishes to remain friends with you, but that doesn't have to mean having her over to your house...EVER. B) DO NOT discuss this affair with her EVER AGAIN. Just don't talk about it with her, period. Act like nothing ever happened. Eventually, she may forget about it. C) Do not giver her ANY reason to get upset with you such as discussing her situation with another. Let "NO gossip....EVER" be your motto. Eventually, this will probably all blow over. You can still remain friends with this woman without having to divulge your inner thoughts. If she asks you about it....blow it off. Because she's an alcoholic, chances are pretty good that she said what she did when she was drinking.
As for telling your husband, believe me, I know what you mean. I was forced to tell mine, and we are now separated, possibly for good. I don't know. Maybe we'll be able to work it out, who knows. And he had cheated on me! But he is a very jealous person and not one to forgive very easily. My situation was very similar to yours. Husband just completely uniniterested in sex. I felt the same way you did...that there was NO WAY I could go through the rest of my life without getting my freak on. My affair lasted over a year. He was married, also. Similar problems with his wife.
What a tangled mess we create.
I don't know if I have any advice or not, but I am in the similiar situation of living every day in worry over my H finding out about my A. My xOM (whom i used to work with) decided it would be a great idea to tell his buddies that he was sleeping with me (in graphic detail no less) he even invited one of them to listen in during. ( i had no knowledge of this at the time) Anyways, after we both left our jobs with that company, one of his friends decided to spill all the juicy details to all of the other men in the office. Needless to say, gossip does travel fast. I was in such a bad position because of the position I held at my job that I had to admit it was true to my boss to get him to stop trashing my name around town and give me a decent ref. for all the years i had worked for him (it was becoming difficult for me to get another job b/cause of his connections) My closest friend and her husband also know (they got the info from one of XOM's friends before we became friends) so this is often uncomfortable when we do "couple " things together. I have also had to endure many of these men make passes at me and downright sleezy propositions since they now think i am an easy slut. I am afraid to officially end things with OM also because he is such a sneaky little fu*k that he would probably mail my panties to my H along w/ copies of old emails i sent him. There are so many days when I often wonder if just coming out and telling H would be easier, maybe he would leave me but I wouldn't be taking sleeping pills to stop my mind racing through my head at night with worry. It is definitely hard to get over someone you had a relationship with in the first place let alone be in constant fear of the final repercusssions. I personally don't recommend telling your H. I would wait and see how the cookie crumbles. I have been trying to get my life back and focus on other things besides the A. If you keep your mind busy then the worry tends to creep in less. I wish you luck with everything and hopefully it will work itself out for you.
hugs to you
~nuttmeg
I know this will sound callous, but I STILL don't want to live the rest of my life without getting my freak on, as you so aptly put it SillyMe, but I wish there was a way to do it safely - which basically means finding someone else that has as much to lose as I do so that he wouldn't tell anyone or want me to leave my husband for him, a way so that I could fulfill that carnal desire without emotionally destroying my husband. Egads. I need to hire a prostitute.
Limbo:
I know what you mean about not wanting to live without the horizontal tango. It's such a tough place to be in. In the last five years, I had sex with my H about maybe 10 times, max. I love sex! I cannot for the life of me understand why some people just seem to have such hang-ups about it. That is definitely true for my H. At least hang-ups about it with me. No, I believe he has hang-ups, period. I went so much angst about. It's hard not to feel like a complete unattractive loser when your partner would rather spank the monkey than spank you. I felt so ugly and unwanted. And I'm actually a very attractive woman. Not being arrogant, but more attractive than most. My affair had everything to do with lonliness, sexual frustration and a need to feel attractive. My OM and I had tremendous chemistry. More so than my H and I ever had, even in the beginning. Kissing him alone was incredible, let alone anything else. I miss that a lot. But the guilt was so overwhelming. I do love my H. It wasn't about that. I think about my OM all the time, but I know that it was an impossible situation. Sometimes I wonder the same things you do. Can we have an affair that is purely sexual, without there being any repercussions. But then I remember that this is what I wanted with this one. This is what I expected would happen with this one. But feelings do come in play. How can you be so incredibly intimate with someone, having oral sex, etc., and really like them and not have feelings. And once the feelings happen, forget it. It's all over with. I don't know the answers. Wish I did. But I understand completely how you feel. You're not alone.
Silly
Interesting topic because just the other day, my XMM said to me out of the blue "I've been having a feeling that you told someone else about us". First of all, I had admitted to him over a year ago that I told a friend I worked with only because she shared the same sensitive info about herself with me. She didn't know anyone involved and being I had info on her that could wreck her marriage, I felt safe in doing so (also, she no longer works with me and I have no more contact with her). He knew that I told her. But suddenly he was feeling nervous about it, and also feeling that if I told her, I must have told someone else. He has this "feeling" that I told someone else in our circle of friends. I was blindsided by his sudden paranoia. I told him why the hell would I put myself in such a damaging position to tell someone we both know, that I was cheating on my H!? It's not like I'm a single woman trying to ruin his marriage because I was bitter or something. I'm married too!
I guess because I told that one person, he's afraid I just go around bragging or something. That's what men do, not women who are afraid that their H's will choke the life out of her if he found out about the A.
Anyway, whenever someone else knows something THAT damaging to you, it's always a scary feeling. I don't believe for one second that woman I told would do anything with the info, she has the same to lose that I do, probably worse, because she was going out secretly with her best friends H.
H is an alcoholic. I can also count on my fingers the # of times we've had sex. I can't even remember the last time to tell the truth.
So I can relate to you on the lack of sex problem. Also about the drinking friend blabbing everything, only sometimes I worry it will be ME who will open my big mouth to H sometime when he really ticks me off enough and I've had a few drinks. So far it hasn't happened though. But you can't really trust a drunk. I agree that if you stop talking about it completely it will hopefully go to the back of her mind. You mentioning it to her, will just freshen up the memory for her.
I did tell 1 friend at work about the A. She had kind of guessed something was up with me, she has told me secret things about her and her H's problems too.
Anyways we had a bit of a falling out just before Xmas but we are friends again now. She doesn't really know my H (met him once). But she does like to gossip. I just have to hope that she will never tell anyone what I've told her. But if I hear any rumors going around work about me I will definitely know where they are coming from, because MM doesn't work with me, doesn't even live in the same city and she is the ONLY person who knows about him.
Take care,
Dusty