I need to end this

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2010
I need to end this
16
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 11:00am

I am soooo happy I found this place! I am new here, and I really need to end my affair. I am married to an AMAZING man and we have a child together. My AP is married with two kids. I kick myself in the rear end daily. I honestly, truly do love my husband. Had it not been for this man, I would never have had an affair (I am sure that has been said a billion times!). Seriously though, my AP is the boy I loved in high school. I lost my virginity to him. I will give you a brief background....

1993-1994ish: We met, my Mom said I could not date him b/c he was too old for me. I was 16 and he was about to turn 20. I went ahead and saw him anyway. I would sneak out of my house at least 4 times a week for almost a year. By my senior year of High school, we were just friends.

1995: He was supposed to come visit me at college, but totally ditched me and did not call until the day after he was supposed to be there. We would still talk occasionally after that...then no more.

2000: I started a new job and walked down the street to get something to eat and there he was! We hugged, were totally shocked to see each other. We talked for a month or so after that and then it fizzled away. At this time, we were both in a very dark place and using drugs...but we did not find this out until recently.

2003: I would think about him sometimes and looked up his email. Found it, emailed him and we talked for a few months. He had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend...so it did not go further than that.

2004: He called me and said he wanted to see me. So he came over that night. My roommate would not leave us alone...so nothing really happened. I was taking some time at that point to be single and abstain from sex because I needed to learn about myself without having to worry about someone else. So as much as I wanted to try and date him, I needed to worry about me first.

2007: I had gotten married, but still would think about him. So I looked him up on Facebook. He said he had always been thinking about me too, but could not find me. So now, here we are 3 years later.

We have only had sex once, and that was 2.5 years into reconnecting. We decided to not have sex again. We both knew that was for the best. However, he has started pulling away. He says that he cannot separate the reality and the fantasy when he is with me. We do still go for lunch sometimes and will kiss...but nothing more than that. He pulls away more each time.

I have never not thought about him. Even those years when we were not in touch, he was always there. However, as much as I love him, this is becoming painful for me. I really do have a wonderful husband who does not deserve this from me. I have grown so much, but by me doing this, it's like it cancels out all my growth. I feel like a fool. No, I AM a fool.

I am just so scared to lose my AP. It hurts....but I know he is not my future. I KNOW that we would never work in a day to day relationship. Even though he tries to convince me it could work, I know in my heart it would not.

Ugh, I hope I am making sense. I have so much to say and my words are not coming out the way I want them to right now. I know this needs to end. Thanks for letting me get this out and to find the strength to make it happen!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 11:19am

Welcome,

I am happy u shard your story here. Your timing could not be better if you are choosing to end ur affair. There are several ladies who have reconnected with ex boyfriends n have joined the board in the last couple of days. One is Starke552...n another as well. They have already connected here on the board. Read their posts, very familiar to your story. One is S, another M.

So you are not alone. This is a great place. A amazing board of great women. You are in the best hands. Block n walk. Diconnect with him altogether. Let him go. Do not communicate further. You are blessed that this has not gone on and u have never be discovered.

Stay here n post. Read in healing library. Read away. Post away. We will see you thru this.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 11:36am

IJM,


Welcome to EAS and thank you for sharing your story.


<>


Your words were coming out just fine. We all understand where you are coming from because affairs are really quite generic by nature. They consume you, make you do crazy, foolish things, and are very difficult to end. Look at

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 1:03pm

It sounds like you are right where you're supposed to be. If ending an affair was an easy thing to do, nobody would be in one. But, like drugs, affairs can be very addicting. You CAN get out of them, though. First, you have to make the decision. Truly make it. That means not leaving the door open a crack, it means slamming it shut. And the sooner the better, because every moment that you spend involved in it leaves you that much more vulnerable to discovery by your husband. And if you think the thought of not having him in your life hurts, I can tell you having your husband find out and leaving you would hurt far, far, FAR more.

Make the decision, take the action and then take it a day at a time. You WILL find freedom if you do this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2010
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 1:58pm

Thank you guys so much. I am just about ready to do it. I basically spoke my mind today and he does NOT like when I do that. He said "I should have stopped talking to you the last time". So I wrote back and said that there is nothing I can do or say to change his mind...that it is his choice. I was not quite ready to do a final ending then. I need to be sure of what I am going say so I don't feel like "oh, I should have said this instead of that". I cannot be impulsive with it.

He has not written back. Maybe he won't this time. I do know that I am not going to be the one writing him. If he does eventually write back, I will either do no contact or do the email that ends it. I feel like I have to do the email. I have already started composing a draft. I do know I should have at least a few days to complete it if he stays true to pattern.

This sucks. It hurts so much. I don't know why it does though. I suppose it really is just an addiction. I mean, what am I going to miss? His ignoring my emails? Him choosing when he wants to talk to me? Him having to have the control in this situation? The intensity, perhaps...because that was always there...even 17 years ago. But that momentary sensation is not really worth it either. What good is having that feeling if the person that I feel it with has no consideration for my feelings?

sigh

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2010
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 4:01pm
I think I just read my own story. Freaky. I ended my A today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 8:40pm

Oh honey, can I ever say BTDT.

2 years out of an affair with my college love of over 33 years ago. Affair lasted 4 years, with the last year me trying to wean myself and him off the addiction of each other. Drama and roller coaster is putting it mildly. We were also 1000 miles apart, but saw each other for 3 days about every 6 weeks. The pulling back, him trying to control everything, everything his way and for his benefit. Sound familiar?
You need to end it before you both destroy each other and your lives. You are now in control of yourself. It doesn't matter if he writes or what he says because the game ends with you. You write the rules and the rules support your need to end it. So if you want, send another one last email. You keep it very, very simple and as short as you can. There is no reason to explain anything other than this is wrong. You then say do not contact me. If he is a control master, then I can bet you he will try to contact you and question you. Don't respond, it's his way of trying to take back control. Delete, drop, block and walk. If he writes you back and you respond, you are just adding to the drama and the back and forth. Gosh, I went through this so many times I can almost feel the fury I had when he didn't respond right away or in the manner I expected. You have become what we call here on EAS "an option". In other words, not a priority but an option in their life. Don't go there again. Stand up tall, regain your dignity and shut the door on this destructive behavior. You are not alone on this board, many of us here have reconnected with old boyfriends. I for one, can attest to the feeling of "we found each other again" fantasy crap. All garbage, no matter how sweet the pillow talk is. Keep reading here, read everything you can. My posts go back to June/July 2006 !! Peace to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 9:58am

Hello Itsjustme-


Welcome to endings. I just wanted to point out that you made a very good point, and one that I definitely needed to hear today. You said: "What will I miss? His ignoring my emails? Him choosing when he wants to talk to me? Him having to have the control in this situation?"


This is so spot on.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2010
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 7:56pm

Well, today really finalized my decision! I am still finishing my letter to him. I talk a lot and am trying to keep things to a minimum and not "explain" things so much. I want to make sure he gets that it really is done. I am going to finish it up this weekend and send it the next time I hear from him.

What made my decision that much easier was him making this whole thing about him. We argued a couple days ago. He said some mean things. I basically rebuffed them with kindness and not being mean...and he changed his tune this morning...or so I thought. He basically said that he wants to be friends and not have the sexual part come into play. So, I knew this wouldn't work....and since I knew I was going to be sending him the letter soon anyway I said "okay, we can try. If it does not work this time, I think we both know what needs to happen". So he emailed me back saying "I can only give you what I can give you and not any more. If you have a problem with it, I don't know what to tell you. If you have a problem with it, then it won't work." So to me, this said it's my way or no way. I even wrote other stuff which he completely ignored.

I deserve more respect than this. I cannot believe how blind I was to this the whole time! I just need to get this letter finished. I am doing NC until then. I did not write him back after that.

I am already starting to feel liberated. He actually made this easy for me!

Thank you all so much for your replies and support. It definitely helps!




Edited 5/26/2010 9:00 pm ET by itsjustme77
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 9:25pm

IJM,


<<>


This letter that you are

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 11:01am

Me, I see myself in your words. During my final year of affairland, I struggled to end it. I wanted to be nice, no noise, just go quietly and maybe in the end be able to be civil to one another. Doesn't work like that. You have 2 people, 2 ego's involved, each needing to be stroked. Each person wanting and having different needs. Not to mention the affair is dead wrong.

You cannot write him a letter and expect him to accept it. He will not all the sudden agree with you. It kinda sounds like to me he has a super inflated ego. You my dear, were his side dish, you are not a priority in his life. If you are lucky, you made it to his daily check-off list. I know this, I went through this. He is flat out telling you this by saying he can only give what he can give. In other words, he is not, repeat, not going to make you number #1 or even #2 in his day. Not only can he not make the time, he freaking doesn't want to. I know how hurtful that is. I would spend 3 days with xAP, then he'd go home, I'd go home and wait for days until I heard back from him. His excuse was the same - always. He was too busy. My response was always the same, how could he be too busy for me?, the girl he just spent 3 days with, professing love and not letting each other go? Because he went back to his real life and I went back to fantasizing about him. Me77, my xAP asked for the friendship thing too. He promised to keep his hands off me, no sex. Basically, they want to continue the friendship for 2 reasons, 1 to keep their ego being stroked by you and 2, to keep their foot in the door in the event he or you decides to resume the affair. My xAP said some pretty hurtful things to me too, and I would always just take it. I never wanted to cause any drama or argue with him. Eventually I did and I'm glad I did because at least he knew he wasn't able to walk all over me any longer. Don't be his doormat me77. Don't write a long, drawn out letter. Like Iddy told you, he won't really read it - they don't get that stuff. It's just words to them. I know, BTDT. They don't care who said what or who didn't do something. They don't care what your feelings are or how hurt you are. Writing all that just makes you look weak, pathetic and needy.
If you write anything, just say I'm done, this is wrong, be done with it. Adios Amigo! And go forward, regain your self respect and dignity. Do it for you.

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