I need to end this

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2010
I need to end this
16
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 11:00am

I am soooo happy I found this place! I am new here, and I really need to end my affair. I am married to an AMAZING man and we have a child together. My AP is married with two kids. I kick myself in the rear end daily. I honestly, truly do love my husband. Had it not been for this man, I would never have had an affair (I am sure that has been said a billion times!). Seriously though, my AP is the boy I loved in high school. I lost my virginity to him. I will give you a brief background....

1993-1994ish: We met, my Mom said I could not date him b/c he was too old for me. I was 16 and he was about to turn 20. I went ahead and saw him anyway. I would sneak out of my house at least 4 times a week for almost a year. By my senior year of High school, we were just friends.

1995: He was supposed to come visit me at college, but totally ditched me and did not call until the day after he was supposed to be there. We would still talk occasionally after that...then no more.

2000: I started a new job and walked down the street to get something to eat and there he was! We hugged, were totally shocked to see each other. We talked for a month or so after that and then it fizzled away. At this time, we were both in a very dark place and using drugs...but we did not find this out until recently.

2003: I would think about him sometimes and looked up his email. Found it, emailed him and we talked for a few months. He had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend...so it did not go further than that.

2004: He called me and said he wanted to see me. So he came over that night. My roommate would not leave us alone...so nothing really happened. I was taking some time at that point to be single and abstain from sex because I needed to learn about myself without having to worry about someone else. So as much as I wanted to try and date him, I needed to worry about me first.

2007: I had gotten married, but still would think about him. So I looked him up on Facebook. He said he had always been thinking about me too, but could not find me. So now, here we are 3 years later.

We have only had sex once, and that was 2.5 years into reconnecting. We decided to not have sex again. We both knew that was for the best. However, he has started pulling away. He says that he cannot separate the reality and the fantasy when he is with me. We do still go for lunch sometimes and will kiss...but nothing more than that. He pulls away more each time.

I have never not thought about him. Even those years when we were not in touch, he was always there. However, as much as I love him, this is becoming painful for me. I really do have a wonderful husband who does not deserve this from me. I have grown so much, but by me doing this, it's like it cancels out all my growth. I feel like a fool. No, I AM a fool.

I am just so scared to lose my AP. It hurts....but I know he is not my future. I KNOW that we would never work in a day to day relationship. Even though he tries to convince me it could work, I know in my heart it would not.

Ugh, I hope I am making sense. I have so much to say and my words are not coming out the way I want them to right now. I know this needs to end. Thanks for letting me get this out and to find the strength to make it happen!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2010
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 4:29pm

Thank you guys for the tough love. I need it. I am amazed at how easily my brain can try to rationalize not just saying "I am done". I suppose I am a bit scared to...but you are right, it is the only way.

Interestingly, I had a dream last night that was telling me I need to end this. I don't know if any of you watch LOST, but Sawyer was in my dream (so hot!). He wanted to have sex with me...and I really wanted to as well. However, someone said, you really shouldn't. So when I saw him next and he tried to seduce me, I said "sorry, I can't, I am married". That is all I remember. So even my sub-conscious is sending me signals.

Right now it is NC. He sent me an email last night saying "did you get this email that I sent?" He NEVER does that. He is not used to me not responding to him. I should have said I was done then...but I was not quite ready to let those words out yet. If he does not get the hint from me not writing back, I will do it. Simple and to the point. No long winded compositions.

"I am done with this"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 6:40pm

Me,

You are in no man's land right now, I think. If you respond to his emails, you just might get back sucked in. Then what, is this what you want? You really really have to want this to end. Please don't lose your resolve. Stay tough for yourself and your family.

He is fishing. No response from you has somewhat caught his attention - you are not there waiting in the wings to stroke his ego. Let it stay that way. Block his emails, block every form of communication he has to you. He will fish again. You can either wait him out and yes, eventually he will get the message when you don't respond. Or you can send ONE SHORT SIMPLE email stating you are done.

Are you reading here on EAS?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 6:43pm

IJM,


ATTA GIRL! ;-) You can do this, honey. You can go silent now and if he wants to know what's happening, then you can say, "I'm done." Of course there is always just blocking him now so you won't read those emails. It will take real strength to do that, but it puts the ball in your court and you won't ever have to know what BS he is feeding you now.


Your dream was spot on. Our subconscious can be a great source of wisdom at times.


(((Hugs)))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2010
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 7:41pm

Well, it's done. Message sent. Short, sweet and to the point. I actually read it like 20 times before I sent it. I actually almost sent something leaving it open ended, but took it out immediately when I noticed what I did.

The last words I left him with: Please do not contact me. I will not contact you.

He is off my Facebook account and blocked. I am going to go figure out how to block my email now. However, my phone I have yet to figure out how to block people.

I am going to come here every day and read. If I feel like I want to contact him, I will come here and contact you all instead. I actually started doing that a week ago. When I felt like I was getting too wrapped up in him, I came here and read the stories. It took the edge off and took it down like 20 notches! It made me realize that what I thought was special and unique was redundant and quite common....if that makes any sense!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 7:46pm

IJM ...

So sorry to be late to the 'party' ... I am taking just a couple days away from so much posting - I am trying to re-group.

But I didn't want to miss this opportunity to tell you how proud I am of the steps you have taken! You are on the right track and we will all be here for you.

Take care of yourself and just let the waves of worry & doubt wash over you ... they will leave as quickly as they arrive if you allow them.

((HUGS))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Fri, 05-28-2010 - 3:54pm

Congrats - you are moving in the right direction. I bet you feel a sense of relief and empowerment!

This is the first step forward to ending it. Now you will be faced with all the other nuisances that come along. It's a journey, a work in progress. Be true to yourself, believe and live that doing this is the best thing for you.

hugs to you.

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