I NEED HELP TO GET THROUGH THIS

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
I NEED HELP TO GET THROUGH THIS
6
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:40pm
Where do I begin? This is a little strange for me to be posting this here but I am in need of help and I feel like I have no where to turn since this is obviously not information that I choose to share with my friends or family. This has been going on since last summer. On and off. We are both married with a child. We fell in love. Not sure how and why it happened but it did. I sometimes question what this we call "love" is exactly. I know I loved being with him and I know I loved how I felt with him. Then you wonder was it him or the excitement of being with someone new and living a dangerous game.

I feel like I am losing my mind. I am trying to end an A so I can move on with my life. Ok, so we never officially ended it. Ok, so its really only been a couple of days that in my mind I said I must put an end to this. I think whats bothering me is that why hasnt he called me?? We met a few days ago for just a drink. Had a little too much to drink and well the rest is history. We have tried to end this several times and have never succeeded. He is my friend and I do love talking to him too. Its hard cuz' you are losing a friend all the same time. How do I do it? I wonder why he hasnt called me and I am trying so hard not to call him. So how do I stay strong? How do I not give into the urges? It has almost become a habitual thing with me. We email everyday and talk everyday. When that is not there my day does not seem complete.

Does any of this make sense or am I rambling. I feel like I can write for days but about different feelings and frustrations but I dont think that those reading this will appreciate it. So I will stop writing for now. I just guess I need to figure out how I stay strong. How I avoid emailing or picking up the phone. So simple it seems but it feels so hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:51pm
I'm in the same boat. I just wrote a letter and I am praying to give it to him tomorrow. You have to decide what you value more. Your happiness or your family's happiness. I am giving mine up (unhappily) for my family to grow. I hope you dont feel as sad as I do right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:00pm
Yes. I saw your message. Funny you think your the only one in this crazy situation dont you?? I cant do the letter thing. I have tried, via email. It then becomes a back and forth thing. We begin to reminisce then it all becomes too emotional. So I figured if I just walk away and not make a big drama about it then it may be easier. Who knows. I just saw a movie and this is the simple quote I try to keep in my head..."with every end there is a new beginning"...I am trying to stay focused on new beginnings and putting this to an end. Again, easier said then done isnt it?

I hope that you find the strength that I am still searching for. Time will tell I guess. Although, we both know it is the right thing to do. Your family needs you as mine needs me. Sometimes we do selfish things and I truly believe and A is a selfish thing. You get caught in the moment and the thrill of it all and sometimes it just feels nice to be wanted by someone else. I think. I am actually still trying to understand why it happened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:10pm
I'm in the same boat except I work with xMM and it's so hard to stay strong when I have to see him. The more I realize I will never be able to have him, the better he looks, darn it! I think one day at a time is the mantra you have to keep repeating to yourself. You get stronger with each day and eventually you'll stop thinking about him as much and he'll seem like a distant memory. Here's what I tried. I hope it will work for someone else. It has helped me IMMENSELY.

Every time you start to think about xMM, think about something else. ANYTHING. Catch yourself when you start obsessing over him and say internally (unless you're alone): "STOP!!!" Then move on to something else. Your grocery list, your child/children, your friends, a TV show you watched last week. Read a book and actually force yourself to concentrate on the words when your mind starts to drift. If you can, get some audiobooks (you can get them free from the library) and listen to them in the car, on a Walkman while you're cleaning, whatever. That keeps your mind occupied. After a while you won't even have to rewind after you realized you missed the last three chapters by being lost in thought!!! I know a lot of experts say to get over someone you need to focus on their bad qualities, but I personally found that that just means I'm thinking about him more. Instead, the goal is to get him out of your head as much as possible. Take back control of your mind...turn it around and do something productive with it. Take up a new hobby -- writing, sewing, painting, whatever. Something for you. Instead of worrying why he isn't calling or what he's thinking, worry about YOU. It's not about what's best for him or your relationship -- it's about your life and what makes you happy. All these twists and turns only provide temporary happiness.

I know a lot of this is easier said than done and, believe me, I haven't been 100% successful in not thinking about xMM. There are days when I still have a hard time and I have to pray for strength. (That's another thing, if you're religious -- ASK for help.) But in time if you keep doing this, you'll find he's no longer the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing you think about before falling asleep at night. He'll never completely disappear, but it will get easier...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:30pm
Hugs to you dipss. Ending an affair is really hard. Everything you said does make sense! I do miss the friendship more than anything. :( But, getting out of the affair was the best thing for both of us; it was really the only way we could get on with our real lives. I really am happier with myself now than I was when I was in my A, which lasted for 5 years and ended just 4 & 1/2 months ago. I still have bad days, but the good days far outnumber them! You just need patience, you need to have strength, you need to believe that you are doing the right thing, and you need to have NO CONTACT.

It really is a habit, I know exactly what you mean. You need to change the surroundings that remind you of him if you can, and you could always try the ol' rubber band trick -- wear a rubber band on your wrist and whenever you start thinking about him or wanting to contact him, snap it hard!! You'll start to associate thinking about him with pain, and your mind will steer away from those thoughts! :)

Good luck. This is a good place to be for support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:58pm
You are very sweet! Thank you for the encouraging words! I particularly loved the "ol rubber band trick". I litterally laughed out loud at my desk. So now I am on the hunt for a rubber band!! So I must admit that I drafted 2 emails today to him and then ended up deleting them. YAY FOR ME!! One day almost gone. Then tomorrow hopefully I can stay strong too. Thank you again! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:31am
Hugs, Dipss. I don't think you're feeling anything out of the ordinary under the circumstances. When we make a decision to end a relationship of any kind, there's a loss. It's okay to acknowledge that, and that you miss him and that it hurts. My OMM was just as you described, a very big part of my life for 2 years. I saw him every day, we sent each other text messages and talked on the phone several times a day. The most difficult "habit" I had to break was that we used to text-message each other in bed just before we fell asleep at night.

The previous poster was absolutely right - you have to change people, places and things that remind you of him, to the extent possible. And focus on what a wonderful thing you're doing - for both of you. You're allowing him an opportunity to get on with his life as well.

Once you put some time between yourself and this A, you will probably realize what most of us eventually do - the A is a distraction from reality. Its difficult to know whether we really "love" these other people or whether we LOVE the lifestyle, adrenaline rush, etc., that comes along with being in an A. We never see these "others" in ordinary, dreary, day to day circumstances. We're not up late at night with sick children together, we don't go grocery shopping together, we don't clean the house together, the list goes on. Its a relationship that we can compartmentalize and keep only the really special stuff there. Its no wonder so many of us want to try to end marriages and other long term relationships to make these As the main relationship in our life. But we realize that the A is just a break from reality.

Here on some ideas for how to change your thinking and get back on track in your life: very honestly and critically make a pro and con list about your OMM and your A. This will get easier to do as time goes by. You will be more objective about his shortcomings and those aspects of his values, personality, etc., that aren't 100% compatible with yours. Meditate on what void the A filled in your life. That's an important question for most of us, but the blessing here is that once you figure out why you needed this A in your life, you can go out and get what it is you really need in a safe way that isn't causing harm to anyone (including you). Self-awareness can be a very exciting step to take. And once your levels of self-awareness have increased, you will be better able to take care of your own needs and the positive trickle down from you being happier will reinvigorate your current family life. I promise. And try this if it suits you - myself and another member of this community try invoking the help of a higher power. Every morning, and every time during the day OMM comes into your mind, gently ask your higher power to help you overcome the urge to contact him. Always remember that on your own, ending this A and facing the void it leaves in your life is going to be very difficult. But with the help of a loving and caring higher power, and by posting your thoughts on this board so that you're sharing with others, you CAN do this! We promise. We're all in the same process. Finally, journaling is always helpful. Write down everything you feel. If you can keep the journal discreetly, without fear of it falling into the wrong hands, that's great. If you can't, destroy the pages you write immediately if you feel you must. Getting things down in writing makes them so much more real. And once we start writing, things tend to flow. Its a great way to learn about ourselves.

I encourage you to stay on this board. The wonderful people here have helped me immensely. There aren't too many places you can go to vent the feelings you're having right now, so take advantage of this. And remember, you're only as sick as your secrets. Avoid keeping those longings and urges to yourself. It gives you too much opportunity to act on them. Share them here and we'll give you our sometimes very blunt feedback.

Love, hugs and welcome to you!

mo 7-18-10