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| Fri, 05-14-2010 - 12:11pm |
Hello All-
I need your help ladies. I am in a bad place today. In terms of my healing from the A, that is going well. I am 106 days NC today and feeling very strong. However, as many of you know, I have a DH. He has been super during this recovery. He experienced 3 DDays and is still here by my side fighting for us. We truly have been getting along better than ever and I have been so happy.
Well, today he dropped a bomb on me. Here's a little back story. In November, we were living separately. There was a big end of the season party for one of my organizations. I didn't expect him to show up, but he did. He was very friendly. We chatted for a bit and then went our separate ways. Long story short, he ended up drinking too much, confronting me and getting arrested, resulting in a Public Intox charge and a night in jail.
I haven't thought about that night much since we reconciled. I'd like to forget the rage in his eyes and his irrational behavior, but today, he found out that it might prevent him from getting into the program he wants to go into at school and he said this to me: I need to tell you that I am fighting feelings of anger toward you because you made choices and behaved in a way that messed up my life and drove me to lose control and now I

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OUCH!!!!!
Jane, stick by him. He came to you? He told you his feelings, he didn't just lash out at you in an insidious manner. He's in touch now, and you are too! You guys got it going on. The anger, the guilt, the massive consequences.... you guys have the bond that can conquer this! Stay connected; stay in it together. In spite of everything, you guys are blessed.
xoxoxox
Dee
Oh Jane,
I am so sorry.
oh jane.
I hate to hear that one of the wisest, strongest ladies I know is hurting.
So sorry Jane. After having a D-day myself, I know the reality of how angry my DH got and I shutter even now to think of what he wanted to do with the anger. He is a very even tempered person and I have never seen such rage in him. The aftermath of the A bomb is very destructive to all in its fallout area.
I understand how you feel guilty because if you never had the A then he would have never acted that way that night. (I’m sure that is what is playing in his head.)
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
My dearest Dee, CSN, Magenta, New_Season and E1-
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and support. After I wrote this post, I jumped in my car and went for a drive on this nice sunny day to clear my head. Through this recovery process, I've really learned the art of patience, whereas before I would have been hysterical and either driven home to confront my H or written some wildly emotional email, today I just let the emotions run their course. I sat with them and did NOTHING... and that is definitely not an easy thing for me, or at least it never was before. I knew that if I let some time and pass, that when I went home, I would be able to talk rationally without shutting down. Upon reading his words I was immediately defensive, hurt, regretful, shamed, and a myriad of other emotions.
Thanks to all of you, I have organized my thoughts and know how I will approach him. I really can't thank you enough. E1, I'd sure love your H's perspective as a BS. I certainly don't want to minimize my behavior at all, but I certainly can't be responsible for the way he reacted.... or can I? Is this all my fault?
Thanks again,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
(((Jane))
What NS and E1 said about your H being responsible for his actions that night regardless of what fueled his anger/drinking, is on him. You are holding yourself accountable now, and he needs to do the same. I'm glad you gave yourself some time to calm down and sort through your emotions.
As others have said, keep those lines of communication open, and
~Iddy~
I get the hurt, the anger, the frustration.
I do.
However, we here are all about taking personal responsibility for our own actions. How could you be taking 100% responsibility for your A, yet excuse your H's behaviour? Do you hold your H responsible for your A? Didn't his actions at all contribute to it? I don't think you believe that they did.
I dunno. I get triggered when I hear anyone imply the 'well you drove me to do it' or 'well if you hadn't pushed my buttons'. Nope - that doesn't work for me. It is a slippery slope.
Jane - I have never seen someone work so hard post A to support their H. No one. You are relentlessly supportive and understanding. I don't think everything and anything now that goes wrong gets to be traced back to your actions (alone). You are a brilliant woman, your caring spills off the pages here. Please forgive yourself. I believe once you have, once you really have, you'll be able to stand from a space of knowing you can't erase the past, you are only human, and you are trying. Eventually you get to let yourself off the hook. I don't believe that this should be a life sentence. Others may disagree who think that for the rest of our lives, our purpose is to make partner's world right again. My H has got to do the work too.
That is totally just my 2cents. I am also in an a bad space (not because of H), but that's for a different post (-:
Hugs to you Jane. I can't imagine.
TU.LC/NC since April 14, 2010
Edited 5/14/2010 8:21 pm ET by transcendingus
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi Jane;
Im sorry that DDAY "stuff" has come back to haunt you. I am with the others on what they said. What happened on that night was because of the choices DH made. Just do what you both have been doing and keep the communication open. Im glad he told you how he was feeling rather than bottling it up inside and letting it poison him and your RL. So that is a good start. I believe that you will find a way to communicate with him. I have read your posts and you seem too be an amazing, strong woman.
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