I need to make a decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I need to make a decision
10
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:41am
and stick to it. I see so many new screen names. I don't know how many of you remember me.

But, to make a long story short. Me and ex-MM have bounced back and forth from NC to limited contact since March 1. Right now, it's NC. I was the one that ended it. Before I ended it, I had thought about it for months. I took everything into consideration, and felt that ex-mm was just not the man for me. Not to mention he was still married.

It's been almost 4 months since I've seen him. Now, I'm beginning to have second thoughts. I miss him so much. His touch, his smell. I just want to be in his arms. I have this overwhelming desire to tell him that I love him. To tell him I'm so sorry that things ended up like this.

BUT!!! I also know that I can not live with things the way they were. He is seperated from his W, says he's filing for divorce, but things just aren't matching up, the details just don't make sense to me, thus I feel like he is lying about filing for divorce.

Even in the seperation his W is still running the show. She tells him what he is going to do, and when he can do it. I just can't live with that. He knows how angry that makes me, but he still continues to let his W run his life.

So, I have 2 choices: 1) stick to NC until I see signed divorce papers, which I don't think I ever will. or 2) crawl back ask for his forgiveness, tell him I made a mistake, and live a miserable life as the OW.

I hate this...........

Secret

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:54am
Keep up the NC, it's better to have a few good days that will turn into many, than get back in the rut. Plus if he does get divorced things will be different, but cross that bridge later.

I'm new to the board, but I'm not new to the situation, I've had an A for 10 years and let me say, there have been really, really good days, but the bad days outweighed them. Keep up the NC for now, one day at a time. Men don't sit around thinking about tomorrow, they live for today, that makes me mad, but it's true, so maybe we should take a lesson from them. Good luck, stay strong. GL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:58am
Honey, you have come too far to go back!!!!!! Hold out for those divorce papers! You deserve nothing less. So you've hit a rough patch, your resolve is weakening -- we *all* hit snags like this, but be strong; you can make it through! You don't want to have to ever start this process all over again, do you? Hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 12:59pm
I had been in this A off and on for 17 years, the last 11 on. I have had some really, really bad times. Looking back some so horrible, I don't know how I made it through them. I can't believe I'm ready to just jump back into this A, feet first, knowing the horrible times that lay ahead.

Right now I'm so very lonely. I just don't know how much longer I can hold out with NC.

Thanks for trying to keep me focused.

Secret

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 12:59pm
Hi Secret! I do remember your story and I know you've been struggling for a while. In reading your post one thing struck me: how do you know it's the W who's running the show?, and not your OMM doing one thing and telling you another and just using the W as a scapegoat??? I agree with the previous posters - you've been working too hard at this and rediscovering yourself. IF he finalizes the divorce - and that seems to still be a big IF - cross that bridge when you get to it. In the meantime, don't make it any easier for him to eat cake. JMHO. Hugs and support, Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 1:13pm
HI SL

""So, I have 2 choices: 1) stick to NC until I see signed divorce papers, which I don't think I ever will."" <<<< THIS IS THE WAY TO GO, let more time pass and you will get free of all this once and for all it will happen.

NO CRAWLING, your a human being not a worm, stand on your own to feet and be the woman you were born to be.

Strength and peace

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 2:24pm
I'm not by any means trying to take up for, or make excuses for ex-mm. You know it took me a long time to be able to read between the lines. Having many gut feelings and acting on them, I would go out on a limb to say I know ex-mm's w, pretty well. Belive me, we have had several conversations over the course of 17 years. I feel pretty sure (I could be wrong) that it's her calling the shots.

BUT!!!! this is what I don't understand, and I do blame him for this. If he is so unhappy, really unhappy, why doesn't he just end it (marriage). PERIOD!!!! I really don't want to get on that soap box.

There is always a possibility that it's him calling the shots, but I don't really think so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 4:52pm
Secret:

Take it from someone who was with a five-year fencesitter and the wood is now permanently embedded in his @$$ - repeat after me :) "An adult does what they want to 99% of the time." ... especially, in the area of relationships. No one is following anyone's shots that they don't want to follow. My MM separated from his wife, moved in with me and I watched her still call the shots ... and, *he* CHOSE to follow them at the expense of our relationship. He eventually went back to her. I made so many logical explanations in my head for my MM's weakness because I didn't want to see the truth. It was just too painful to see the truth. MM didn't want to see it either - so he was all too willing to lie about it too. The bottom line is my MM allows himself to be dragged around by his wife because he has low self-esteem and he doesn't want to do the work necessary to change his life. He chooses to do nothing about his life - and has a builtin excuse that it's his wife's fault. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING you can do about him. He is where he wants to be at this moment in his life, even if he denies it. They would rather be there then deal with their own issues. I do remember you and your story. Please stay strong. I remember daily this conversation I had with my girlfriend awhile back. I kept asking her, "why doesn't he leave his dead marriage for good??? WHY????" And she answered, "because he doesn't have too." She was right on the money. He had me. He had her. He had it all. CAKE. Why would he mess with that? Don't allow yours to stay in a bad marriage and do nothing any longer. You are not his human band-aid. Have patience, my dear. I know the loneliness all too well. But, you must not give in to that impatience. You will be the one hurting in the end.

Bird
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 5:20pm
Oh man you have so!! hit the nail on the head. He allows his w to just lead him around, call all the shots, because he has low self esteem, AND!!!! the big one, he doesn't want to do the work to change his life. So, he does what's easy. I did it for years. It wasn't until my 40th birthday, that I decide I was going to make a change. That is when I ended it, 5 days before my 40th birthday. That is a huge statement for me. I'm included in that too. I have got to do the work to change my life. In all my past relationships I choose the easy way out. What did it get me in the end......not much. You have to be willing to work through your own issues. Change is never easy, especially after 17 years. XMM doesn't want to see the truth. Yes, it cost him our relationship. I refuse to be in a relationship with a MM. I simply refuse. I honestly feel like I DESERVE so much more, than half his time, some of his time, second best. Not only do I DESERVE more I want so much more. I actually dream of having a good, solid, relationship. So, until I see some divorce papers signed by both parties, there really isn't anything I can do. I just have to keep reminding myself that. I have to show him and me, my strength. I have to be a woman of my word.....I said it, and now I need to do it. This is probably the toughest thing I have done in my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 2:49pm

I have something for you to consider, based upon your last sentence:


"...crawl back ask for his forgiveness, tell him I made a mistake, and live a miserable life as the OW. "


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 9:49pm
I love cl-nre advice!!! Always straightforward, simple, and RIGHT ON! :-)