I need to make a decision
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| Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:41am |
But, to make a long story short. Me and ex-MM have bounced back and forth from NC to limited contact since March 1. Right now, it's NC. I was the one that ended it. Before I ended it, I had thought about it for months. I took everything into consideration, and felt that ex-mm was just not the man for me. Not to mention he was still married.
It's been almost 4 months since I've seen him. Now, I'm beginning to have second thoughts. I miss him so much. His touch, his smell. I just want to be in his arms. I have this overwhelming desire to tell him that I love him. To tell him I'm so sorry that things ended up like this.
BUT!!! I also know that I can not live with things the way they were. He is seperated from his W, says he's filing for divorce, but things just aren't matching up, the details just don't make sense to me, thus I feel like he is lying about filing for divorce.
Even in the seperation his W is still running the show. She tells him what he is going to do, and when he can do it. I just can't live with that. He knows how angry that makes me, but he still continues to let his W run his life.
So, I have 2 choices: 1) stick to NC until I see signed divorce papers, which I don't think I ever will. or 2) crawl back ask for his forgiveness, tell him I made a mistake, and live a miserable life as the OW.
I hate this...........
Secret

I'm new to the board, but I'm not new to the situation, I've had an A for 10 years and let me say, there have been really, really good days, but the bad days outweighed them. Keep up the NC for now, one day at a time. Men don't sit around thinking about tomorrow, they live for today, that makes me mad, but it's true, so maybe we should take a lesson from them. Good luck, stay strong. GL
Right now I'm so very lonely. I just don't know how much longer I can hold out with NC.
Thanks for trying to keep me focused.
Secret
""So, I have 2 choices: 1) stick to NC until I see signed divorce papers, which I don't think I ever will."" <<<< THIS IS THE WAY TO GO, let more time pass and you will get free of all this once and for all it will happen.
NO CRAWLING, your a human being not a worm, stand on your own to feet and be the woman you were born to be.
Strength and peace
Free
BUT!!!! this is what I don't understand, and I do blame him for this. If he is so unhappy, really unhappy, why doesn't he just end it (marriage). PERIOD!!!! I really don't want to get on that soap box.
There is always a possibility that it's him calling the shots, but I don't really think so.
Take it from someone who was with a five-year fencesitter and the wood is now permanently embedded in his @$$ - repeat after me :) "An adult does what they want to 99% of the time." ... especially, in the area of relationships. No one is following anyone's shots that they don't want to follow. My MM separated from his wife, moved in with me and I watched her still call the shots ... and, *he* CHOSE to follow them at the expense of our relationship. He eventually went back to her. I made so many logical explanations in my head for my MM's weakness because I didn't want to see the truth. It was just too painful to see the truth. MM didn't want to see it either - so he was all too willing to lie about it too. The bottom line is my MM allows himself to be dragged around by his wife because he has low self-esteem and he doesn't want to do the work necessary to change his life. He chooses to do nothing about his life - and has a builtin excuse that it's his wife's fault. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING you can do about him. He is where he wants to be at this moment in his life, even if he denies it. They would rather be there then deal with their own issues. I do remember you and your story. Please stay strong. I remember daily this conversation I had with my girlfriend awhile back. I kept asking her, "why doesn't he leave his dead marriage for good??? WHY????" And she answered, "because he doesn't have too." She was right on the money. He had me. He had her. He had it all. CAKE. Why would he mess with that? Don't allow yours to stay in a bad marriage and do nothing any longer. You are not his human band-aid. Have patience, my dear. I know the loneliness all too well. But, you must not give in to that impatience. You will be the one hurting in the end.
Bird
I have something for you to consider, based upon your last sentence:
"...crawl back ask for his forgiveness, tell him I made a mistake, and live a miserable life as the OW. "