I need my head examined
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| Sun, 04-18-2004 - 11:10pm |
Well I wrote a break up letter but before I put it in his mailbox I shredded it. I am stupid. I see my family (H and kids)and every day I feel like dirt. I dont know why I cant end this. I have not been out with him since last Tues(over A week) However we did have a brief encounter on Fri. at work. In my heart I feel he is using me for sex. I am not the type of person to let this happen to me. I am usually the one in control of a relationship(This is my forst A)(I have been M for 10 years) but it seems like he took the reign. He says he will call and never does, not for days later than he says he will. He sees when I call him and doesn't answer and calls back much later. I am done calling him. I wont call him anymore. The problem is when he calls me. I have to answer the phone in case it is my children. The phones he uses are all different therefore I dont know if it is him. Then he charms me and I am stupid all over again. I really dont want to see him when I am away from him but when I am near him I am an idiot. I believe in my heart I am starting to have feelings for him even though I promised myself I would not. So everyone HOW DO I STOP !!! My head says stop but when I see him I say no way. Any help is greatly appreciated !! NC is not an option we work together. I do feel very guilty about what I am doing and this is another reason I want to end this. I hate crying all the time and I cant tell anyone about this but all of you.

How do you stop you ask?
Value yourself enough to not engage in destructive relationships. And that includes the ones you have with hubby and children.
Do you really value yourself so low that you will knowingly allow someone to use you for their own sexual gratification?
Please re-read your post. Look at the determination there of a woman who has had enough of being a doormat for the people in her life.
Seek counseling with a professional in your area to address the underlying issues you used to justify your participation in an affair as an escape from your day to day reality. When you address and change the underlying issues, I believe the urge for an affair will drop like a stone from your life.
That's what happened in mine. Even though I'd had 17 years of serial long-term affairs, once I addressed the underlying issues the affairs stopped cold.
you want a life in which you are respected by others around you. Start that situation happening by respecting yourself.
I agree with the CL you need to understand the cause if you want to control the effect.
You may want to consider a transfer to another dept if possable or even a job change what ever will buy you the time you need to learn about yourself.
Just thought I would point out that OM sounds like a user and a abuser, time for you to see this snake for what he really is. JMHO
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