I need practical ideas

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2010
I need practical ideas
12
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 2:16pm
Ok girls I am gearing up to do this. I am gonna break the relationship off. I need your help. I need practical ideas on what to do when I get the urge to communicate with him, when I feel feelings of longing for him when I feel like I want to share something in my life with him. I am self employed and alone most of the day. He has been there to talk to on phone when I'm bored. I also make my own schedule so I have lots of time to see him. Please help with some practical steps I can take. Thank you all for being out there.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 6:50pm

Okay sweetgirl ...

Time to get busy!

I am hoping others will chime in, but there is also a tonne of information in the healing library to assist. So, off the top of my head ...

1. Read here as often as you can
2. Review daily the rules of NC - they are your compass right now
3. Compile a list of all the things xAP did to hurt you, disappoint you - so when you're feeling all lovey dovey about what you have 'lost' you can snap yourself back to reality
4. Journal or post here as often as you can ... this helps with tracking your progress, and also gives you the chance to get honest feedback about your thinking. Your thinking becomes so distorted during an affair that it can be hard to break your thought patterns without support.
5. Start taking care of yourself: drink lots of water, exercise, try getting quality sleep (so tough initially)
6. Avoid drugs (except prescription) and alcohol
7. Join a club
8. Volunteer - it is important that we don't indulge in 'poor-me' thinking - SOOO many people have it so much worse, and they certainly didn't create/invite the hardships into their lives
9. Clean your house - like I mean TOP to BOTTOM and donate whatever you haven't put to good use in the past year
10. Post affirmations around your home (if you are able)
11. Practice random acts of kindness
12. Reconnect with family and friends who you cast aside during your affair
13. Learn to be comfortable with alone time. Spend quiet time checking in with your thoughts and feelings and notice how your feelings shift as the days of NC add up.
14. Start counseling/therapy
15. BLOCK AND WALK!!!

If you are serious about ending your A, you'll do whatever you need to do to accomplish this task.

My best,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 7:02pm


Ughh, TU, you have it very well covered...I can not think of anything else...dang, you whipped that out.
Good Job and I got some things I need to do now too. :)

Welcome Sweetgirl. We are here for you, and I stay at home often, you can email me from my profile. I have lots of time...not always a good thing. But if you are committed to ending it, the board will not let you down.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 7:39pm

Welcome to EAS!


TU gave you some great suggestions. The best way to wane yourself is to replace old A habits with new healthy ones. Good for you for seeing the needed to change your routine!


Here is a thread from the HL that may help:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=29088.1&ctx=256


Much love and big hugs,


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 8:43am

Good Morning....


TU gave you a great list of idea's!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 9:07am

Excellent, TU. I have added it the Wisdom and Insights thread, part II.


(((Hugs)))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 9:10am

Lynnie,


I also agree with what you suggested. I remember praying my head off, and still do today for that matter, for strength and guidance. For some reason, talking to the man upstairs

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 9:18am

Great reply TU!

Babysteps


...even if it is all I can do, I can take one babystep.


NC/LC since May 21, 2010

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 9:24am

Turning this all over to the Lord is what I needed to do and still need to do everyday...


God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me!


Peace


L

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 9:55am

Sweetie,
TU gave you a really good list. I'd like to add to that:

Wear a rubberband around your wrist so that you can snap it (hard) whenever your mind wanders to the dark side to remind you of the pain and redirect your thoughts.

Don't allow yourself to wallow too much. True that you are going to need to grieve and process a lot of sad feelings right now, but don't stay stuck in that place for too long. Perhaps give yourself 15 minutes of Wallow Time, then redirect yourself to something, anything else.

Delete ALL old IMs, emails, letters, and such. Throw out the gifts and reminders. Do this ASAP and do it _completely_; save nothing.

Don't cyberstalk!

Don't expose yourself to overly sentimental, sappy, or trigger-inducing movies, books, or music. Listen to NPR or other talk radio and not music in the car so you can avoid having to hear songs that set you back.

Making a list of all his negatives and the negatives of the A is all well and good, but also make a list of all YOUR positives - and write a description of the Woman I Will Be - to remind yourself of what is your future, should you chose to make it so.

Practice positive self-talk. Instead of "I'm a loser for ever getting in this A." make it, "I'm strong and focused and I'm proud of myself for ending this destructive behavior."

Try to avoid thinking about the A at all for one hour before bed, especially don't lay there thinking about it as you fall asleep. Try to find something peaceful and positive to do/think so that you won't prep your subconscious to finish processing your hurtful thoughts in your sleep. Dreams are unavoidable, but you don't have to feed the machine, ykwim?

Getting healthy is a lot of hard work, but it's very doable. I wish you all the best and I'm routing for you!

Cheers,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 10:43am

Great ideas, Dee. I'm glad you ladies are on the ball as my brain has been fried lately. ;-) I am also going to add this to the Widsom and Insights thread right after TU's.


Thanks,

   ~Iddy~ 


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