I need a Push
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I need a Push
| Wed, 09-22-2004 - 9:49am |
HELP, I need a big push or a good swift kick. I am still in the same funk since Sunday night, I have been crying off and on, I can't concentrate and I am constantly thinking about OM. I even see myself going back to some of my "old" habits with H, which I know isn't good. I think H knows something is up because last night he was very distant and this morning he hardly even said goodbye to me. I have been trying but these past few days I know I have been distant myself. I have to stop this behavior because it isn't fair to H or my kids.
So how do I get thru this, how do I stop obessing again about OM, I know it is going to take time (12 dys so far)and it is all new but I have told myself I will not break NC. I keep trying to convince myself that I have gone this long so I should be able to go longer, everyday should get easier, right? Then I start wondering how he is doing and I want to hear his voice so bad.
Right now I am shutting off this computer and finding a project to do here at work, that might work a little. Thanks for the pushes and kicks I know you guys will give me, I will check for them later.
DAF

I am in the same boat. Today makes 10 days for me after 3.5 years. It hurts like crazy,I really feel a big part of my life is missing. Last week I was very strong I barely thought of him I kept myself busy and this week I am a mess. I want to contact him so bad, but The only thing that keeps me going is this board and the fact that he has not tried to contact me makes me also realize it finally over. I have a H and kids that I have to keep thinking love me and I have also been giving off Horrible mood swings and they have started to notice something is wrong. I blame it on the fact that I am PMSING.
Everynight before I fall asleep I ask the good lord to give me strength, and forgiveness I am not a religious person but a little prayer helps every once in a while. Keep telling yourself YOU CAN DO THIS. No contact. In the end I knew this was just an affair and sooner later it had to end. Reading this board and talking to some of these people have hepled also. You are not alone. Let me know how you are doing.
Good Luck
Lady Bug....
DAF, all I can offer you is this for the short-term: Since you yourself admit that you have to "stop this behavior" for the sake of your kids and your H, you need to pull yourself together and ACT like nothing is wrong. It is a scientific fact that even if we are depressed, if we put on a smile and try hard to go through the motions of everything being okay, we can fool our brains into believing it, to some extent. Make yourself do this, if even for one day.
You are at the beginning stages of recovery; this is a tough, tough time. But I *promise* you, you will not feel like this forever!!! Please hang in there; you have a lot of great reasons to put forth the effort to put this A behind you.
It still hurts, I still wonder about him and whether his W has taken him back...but honestly, I counter that by focusing on MY future, which is bright. I have an H who loves me (and who this A has proven to me is truly a wonderful man) and I want to have children. I have a good job, and a loving family and friends. I am so much better off with out MM, and my life is tons better than his...though there was a lot of fun involved, basically, being with him only dragged me down, esp. at the end. I thank God every day that he left.
It will take time, but it will get better, I promise. The first week and a half I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. But I started therapy and journaling, which has definitely helped.
Focus on yourself, and your future, and your family. You will probably always wonder about him (I know I will about my MM), but even after a month, for me its stating to seem like a weird dream, or something that happened to someone else.
Maybekatie, you are absolutely right I have to ACT like nothing is wrong, I just think the stress of doing this for the last 1 1/2 wks is just getting to me, time to toughen up.
Dallastrigirl, I have no idea how you broke NC and went back to it but at least you did. I know I can not be in any type of contact with OM: (1) it was a condition with H staying and working on our M, (2) I can't have contact with OM and then go back to NC it won't work and (3) OM is single and if I leave any door open, either one or both of us will walk thru it.
MO, You are always there for support, I'm shoving you right back, we both can do this. I have to believe that. I will promise you I am sticking to NC no matter how much it SUCKS!
Thanks again everyone.
DAF