I need some support.
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| Sat, 01-08-2005 - 12:16pm |
Hello to all.
I need some advice or support right now.
Let me begin, I have had an affair for 15 years. Both my MM and I are both married. I have had a tough relationship with him but we had our up's and down's and our relationship went to the next level. He has never told me that he loved me but I have told him that I did. He is the type of man who says one thing and then does another.
About 6 months ago, he came to me to tell me that things at home weren't great and we needed to find a way to deal with this. Fine. I told him what I wanted from him and he agreed. We both agreed on seeing one another and keeping lines of communication opened. The latter part, communication, was a problem for him and I was surprised that he agreed to call me every week.
Up till last Monday, he dropped a bomb on me. Telling me that his W is filing for divorce and that he didn't want it. He told me that we needed to be friends and not lovers anymore. My heart sank. I broke out crying. He was still talking trying to console me by saying "I am not leaving you, nor will I turn my back on you but I need to focus on her. I asked for her to take me back". I didn't want to hear it anymore and hung up on him. He tried calling me back but I refused to answer the phone. I counted 35 times!
Finally, the next day, I answered and he was relieved that I took his call and he thanked me. He wanted to talk. He wanted to meet me somewhere to talk. I agreed. Knowing what lame excuse he is going to give me now.
Last night, I met him. I have cut and paste what I wrote on the My Affair group, but no one only one person added their comments.
Here it is. We met tonight to talk and he wanted out so that he can focus on his W being that he is going to be serve divorce papers any day now but he stills wants to call me. He told me that he doesn't love me that he is deeply in love with his W. Eh? Excuse me but if you are deeply in love with your W then why are you having an affair with me for 15 years!!!!!! He didn't say anything...Then he said that he tried to get out of this relationship so many times. So why didn't you leave me and have nothing to do with me, ignore me like any other person breaking up a relationship. He told me that he stayed to help me; Help me get over him. How can that be? I told him that. How are you helping me. Again, he said for years he tried to leave but I begged him to stay and he did. This is his reason why... to help me get over him. Sure I can see that while you are sticking your tongue down my throat and when we are intimate, especially the last time,it was so beautiful and tender very loving, (he agreed with that). Yeah, you're helping me.
Anyway, he brought up the fact of what I said to him the other day about being in love with me and not knowing it. He agreed with that but he needs to find out for himself. He strongly suggested that we take a break. He wants to focus on his own hell right now; sees where it going and if things go down the drain and he realizes that I am right. He will come back.
Now, the flood gates open and I can't stop. I told him that he wasn't going to come back to me. He said how do you know. I will call you every week. I will call you on Monday. He begged me not to cry anymore and that he had to leave and then he was gone. I sat there crying, feeling extremely lost.
I don't know what to do. I am hiding from my family in the den, crying quietly. I have been married for 16 years and was with my MM for 15 years. I feel like I am the one going thru a divorce.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome....
Let me start with your last sentence with my reply: yes, you ARE going through a divorce. Your MM is ending a 15 year relationship with you. Since you've also had a husband for all of those years, in some ways you've had a polymorous relationship for yourself, i.e., 2 husbands, each fulfilling a specific emotional need for you to complete a "whole" relationship, which each man, on his own, didn't or couldn't provide to you. The loss of 1/2 of the support surely is having a devastating emotional affect upon you.
I myself had long term affairs for a period spanning 17 years, so I think I understand your situation, albeit a slightly different set of circumstances. The OWs/MWs in my life served the purpose your MM did for you....enough emotional food to remain in the primary marriage.
So, now that MM is closing the door on your relationship, you're faced with a monumental dilemma: where do you go from here and how do you get there? Add to that having to face the news that xMM did not love you similarly to how you loved him. Added grief to deal with. And with whom can you talk an walk through this process?
You didn't mention in your post how your primary marriage is doing. I suggest you seek individual counseling to share your situation and receive direct hands-on guidance on how to weather the roller coaster of emotions you're experiencing and will experience in the coming months. I believe you'll find yourself going through similar emotions faced by those who've had a loved one die unexpectedly: sadness, anger, victim. You'll need to be able to vent and receive professional guidance. You may also begin to explore how to exist within your marriage as a monogomous relationship from here on out. Time will tell.
You're welcome here on the board and I'm sure many will offer support and suggestions to you. Please post as often as you wish. Someone will reply.......
respectfully,
cl-nre
My marriage is an unhappy one. My husband is a non-passionate, non-agressive man. When I first met him he was different from the usual type of guys that I dated. He was different. Maybe that was the attractiveness that brought me to him. But that surely died when we got married. I refer to him as having tunnel vision. He is consumed with work, pays no attention to me or his children unless I nagged him to do something with them. He never wants to go out and if we have plans; he agrees to go but then as the date gets closer he gives me a hard time about going. Like it is an inconvenience. His friend's of 30 somewhat years, their wives would disrespect me infront of him and he does nothing. All these things I have confronted him with and nothing.
I have had talks with him about our relationship. How our sex life sucks and how he never takes me out as a date. I used to be the aggressor always initiating sex. So I held back to prove a point. I waited months. He would come home and not give me an idea as to maybe later we can have sex. For example; a hug, I missed you, or I love you. When I go to bed and half asleep, he rolls over and says"wanna have fool around?" I have brought this up with him time and time again and he still does it! I have stopped bringing up the problems we have because it goes from one ear to another. We fight and he immediately starts going tit for tat. I can never win not that I am looking to win here. Money is an issue. He is cheap. We are financially above average okay. Many people ask how the two of you got together because both of you are the opposite of one another. I respond with a smile.
I am in this marriage now for my kids. They are 12 and 5. My MM was with me for both pregnancies and he had a difficult time accepting this but he got over it. We would argue about our relationship. ie; Do you care for me? How like I said earlier, he wanted out but according to him, I begged and he stayed to help me get over him. While being intimate, whisper in my ear, I keep coming back to you that should tell you something.
As for now, he wants to take a break. My knowledge of this is that taking a break; breaking up is the same thing, you don't communicate, you go your separate ways and don't look back. But he stills wants to call me and see me from time to time as friends. He needs to see for himself if he loves me. How can you do that if you still want to call me and see me from time to time as friends.
I think he is scared and overwhelmed. Needs to focus on his W. By taking a break or breaking up, frees his mind so that he can begged his W who has made up her mind to go ahead with the divorce!
As for me, I am left heartbroken, lost and most importantly, deeply alone. On the outside, look like nothing happened, but on the inside, I died.
Yes, you are alone. And whatever died inside you needs attention.
You speak of husband and "tit for tat" reactionary behaviors.
You do have the power to end the emotional warfare of your marriage. As well as the money issues ("cheap").
You can and, I believe, should demand that husband attend marriage counseling with you to address, in an adult manner, the unresolved issues that are killing your marriage. because, surely, you are not getting the marriage you had hoped for when you started out and there will be a ripple affect upon your kids. Right now they're learning it's OK for dad to treat mom with significant disrespect. And likewise you're teaching your kids it's OK to disrespect yourself in order to get by within a marriage for minimal financial security. Bluntly stated, you're married to an emotionally lazy man who is content to distance himself from his wife.
My question to you: why bother staying in this kind of marriage? Do the financial benefits REALLY outweigh the emotional shortcomings? With or without MM you need to address and resolve the imbalance.
I myself used affairs for 17 years as a crutch to remain in a marriage "for the kids' sake".... Yes, after the divorce I am significantly financially worse off even now years later. However, emotionally I'm at an all-time high with my current spouse. And my opinion is I'd rather have the emotional needs fully met and go without a few possessions than to ever return to a marriage situation as I had with my first wife using lies and hidden relationships to shore up appearances......
And I think you can resolve once and for all the shortcomings as you've detailed them in your posts....
cl-nre
I agree with NRE. And --
Do you have a close friend you can talk to? Preferably a woman friend?
Are you close with your mother? Or father? Or both? Do you have a close sister? Because now is the time to tell them what is going on and get their support.
Do you have a church/synagogue/temple you attend (yeah -- that's what we all do on this board, right?) so that a clergyperson can recommend a good counselor? (You don't want one so religious that he/she is going to tell you that you are going to H for having an affair -- because you're not.)
If you think you're quietly crying in the den and no one is noticing, you have to be wrong. Your H may be deaf, dumb and blind, but your children will at least 'sense' something is not right with mother. They have acute intuition.
And no one ever suggests this -- but people, who have suddenly lost a loved one to death, routinely go to their doctor to get a little medication (and I mean a little) to tide them over the rough spots for a few months. Go see your doctor as soon as possible -- and tell him exactly what happened. If you can see a therapist first, he/she will probably refer you to a doctor for a medication.
I would ask you how you wound up with two children in the middle of an affair -- but I had three kids with a man I didn't love, and I'm not crazy. I'm not throwing stones.
As for divorce, what NRE didn't tell you or perhaps can't relate -- I stayed in my marriage with the children because I was scared to death that I couldn't support them AND me, so I understand that part. And although it's getting harder for XH not to support their families, more than 50% of XH do not support their families. Even the ones who do, the fathers find it hard to pay what the court orders, and the mothers can't live on what they get (even when the mother's salary is factored in). So unless your H is really well off and stable in his job, I can understand why you didn't leave.
And don't believe your XMM. I'm sure he did love you and that he didn't try to leave -- but now he just feels it's over and he has to take care of himself. And if he should be ANY chance try to come back -- this man that does one thing and says another -- kick him to the curb. But you'll be able to do this better after a few therapy sessions. You need to find out why you stayed for 15 years with a MM who never told you that he loved you. And, if you want to save your marriage (what marriage?), you can address that in counseling after you've calmed down a bit -- and you will. I promise. It's just going to take time -- and everyone (including me when I was going thru it) wants out of the pain NOW. It doesn't happen that way.
I am so sorry you're going through this. Please let us know how you're doing. Soon. We do care.
It sounds like you might be in deep mourning over the loss of your Dad and soon, your Mom. It is possible that you are hanging on to the A emotionally as band-aid for the real pain of your other losses? Just a thought...
Alice
No, I don't think so. I truly am in love with my MM. Now, it is a matter of time. Do I accept his calls or not. Before I have and for what. This time I don't want to.
He made a promised to me that he would never leave me nor turn his back on me! I want to scream. He is contradicting himself. First he tells me that he wanted out so many times and then says something stupid like this; making a promise and to call me every week. I want someone to tell me that he is so f*&king confused and that he doesn't realized that he is in love with me.
Hiya Meadow,
I know that you want to hear that MM is confused or that he simply hasn't realised he's in love with you. I can't tell you that, Meadow. I would think someone who'd told me flat-out he'd been trying to end things for years would be pretty clear indication that my feelings weren't reciprocated.
This may make some sense to you, I found it as an aside quote on a site Free posted some time ago.
"Words of Hope" (author unknown)
"To be left by someone we love is to experience a break in the heart's flow. To be left is to endure unanswered questions, to feel fear, anger, rejection, grief. It is life in the passive tense: We did not leave — we were left.
Spiritual separation, when the bond of two spirits has been severed by someone else's choice, hurts badly. Where is the hope? How do we go on? At its most painful, being left even brings the question, "Do I want to go on?" Once we answer yes to this, we can start to heal. We can choose to accept what is. We can find our way with the help of God's grace and the support of people who love us and want us in their lives.
To yield to someone's wish to end a relationship is an act of respect. To want the best for someone, even when it means enduring our own loss, is an act of love.
Honestly grieving the loss of someone is a sign that I am already beginning to heal."
__________________________________
Now, I'm not much of a God-botherer myself (The Golden Rule does me fine), but the bit about the support of people who do love us and do want us in their lives spoke volumes to me.
As far as taking his calls, I'm going to suggest that it's probably best right now if you take it on a call by call basis. Sometimes you'll want to talk to him and sometimes you won't. Sometimes you'll want to rant at him for all the broken promises and dying dreams, and others you'll want to ask why or cry and show him just how hurt you are by his choices. Sometimes you'll just let the phone ring and that's ok, too. Go with what you feel as it crops up.
If you *do* choose to speak to MM, be honest - gut-wrenching, bone-baringly honest. After all, what do you have to lose in being honest now? Say what you need to say and remember you have the power to end an uncomfortable call anytime you wish to do so by hitting that disconnect.
And, Meadow, try hard to remember that MM took nothing from you that you weren't willing to give whether it was for 15mins, 15mos or 15yrs.
Peeps here will tell you this isn't remotely like what I'd normally suggest to someone who wants to end an affair. I can see a woman in both pain and utter shock who plainly does not want to end her affair. You've not begun to start accepting it, and dammit it after 15yrs you'd be wanting some flippin' answers.
Many a good person has been right there in your shoes, Meadow, and some of them are posting on this board. We're here when you need us, and often even when you don't.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie