I need some support and encouragement..
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I need some support and encouragement..
| Wed, 07-28-2004 - 8:47pm |
I need to have some encouragement. I made the important step of ending a three year rollercoaster ride with a MM. I am also married, he and I were old flames in highschool who reconnected 20 years later.. and it became incredible originally--quite hard to stop. We had lots of chemistry and he adored me, had always adored me. His wife drinks too much, annoys him in several ways. He buried himself in his business I think to get away from her. But my marriage is solid..I love my husband and he is the most trustworthy, loving man I've known. Yet I chose to keep this secret "Thing" going, due to having a hard time walking away from my MM.. But over the course of the three years on and off again affair, I took back my MM several times after quite unkind ways of "ending things" on his part. He often got scared regarding the whole morality of it and that is to be understood..but i never did understand his complete turnaround when he'd walk away.
Needless to say I took him back one last time and we are six hours away..so we have meet halfway to see one another. We had plans, but then last minute, his wife asked to go along (Thinking it was a business trip for the day to the city) and he couldn't tell her no without suspicion. But suddenly he wasn't coming up with a new date..in fact after two weeks of very lowkey conversation/emails I finally said "Let's just be friends. This isn't obviously working".. and he said he couldn't get away, it was virtually impossible. Now why in THREE Years did he decide to tell me it was impossible?? My feeling is, he is always gung ho, in love with me, and after a few months he gets scared and this was another time to do that, and use the "can't ever get away" excuse. Long story short, I am tired of excuses. Tired of believing in him, and listening to things that don't add up. He is in a dysfunctional marriage, and my feeling is--he doesn't know how to relate in a healthy relationship he's so used to an unhealthy one. I used to think i wanted to stay friends with him but i realized this past week- i cannot. I cannot sit here and wait for his "Friend" type emails to come through.. cannot sit here knowing he will write even less because now we are just "friends" etc. it is far too contrived..and he has really worn me out. I have put up with a lot..and finally--after much thought, today I emailed him a long email--explaining my feeling that I needed no more contact, that I needed to do that for myself and my own sanity. I LOVE My husband and want to have nothing more to do with this man that I let mess with my head for three years. I emailed him this and then blocked him from emailing me. Because I know how he works, and if I hadn't blocked him he would have sent me some defensive angry email..I just can't handle that nonsense anymore. Life is too short and I have far more to be concerned with in life. So here's the thing. It's like my head and heart KNOWS he's wrong for me (after seeing the sides of him that are not what i want) yet somehow, it will take me a long time to get over the HABIT of seeing email from him etc. It's like a habit,a bad one at that. I know he is no longer deserving of my time and interest and yet some part of me is or was addicted to seeing his name in my email box. What is that about?? I plan to keep and stay busy, and will be ok.. but anything that anyone can suggest to help me keep moving forward, is appreciated. I've made what I know to be the RIGHT decision for myself and my life..and yet it's like what cigarette smokers must feel--after quitting. Something addictive about it. That bothers me, that I let myself grow addicted to a man who lacks continuity when it comes to our relationship. He is enamoured with me for two months and then suddenly seems as if he could take it or leave it. He isn't with someone else- that much I can guarantee.. he isn't happy with his wife either..but he has issues of some sort. At times I have thought he might be a narcissitic personality (from things I'd read)..but I'm no psychiatrist.. I just want words of wisdom and tips on how to keep walking--not look back and not give him another chance if he ever decides to find me again. I cannot allow myself to go through this EVER again..:( sorry for writing so much :(
Needless to say I took him back one last time and we are six hours away..so we have meet halfway to see one another. We had plans, but then last minute, his wife asked to go along (Thinking it was a business trip for the day to the city) and he couldn't tell her no without suspicion. But suddenly he wasn't coming up with a new date..in fact after two weeks of very lowkey conversation/emails I finally said "Let's just be friends. This isn't obviously working".. and he said he couldn't get away, it was virtually impossible. Now why in THREE Years did he decide to tell me it was impossible?? My feeling is, he is always gung ho, in love with me, and after a few months he gets scared and this was another time to do that, and use the "can't ever get away" excuse. Long story short, I am tired of excuses. Tired of believing in him, and listening to things that don't add up. He is in a dysfunctional marriage, and my feeling is--he doesn't know how to relate in a healthy relationship he's so used to an unhealthy one. I used to think i wanted to stay friends with him but i realized this past week- i cannot. I cannot sit here and wait for his "Friend" type emails to come through.. cannot sit here knowing he will write even less because now we are just "friends" etc. it is far too contrived..and he has really worn me out. I have put up with a lot..and finally--after much thought, today I emailed him a long email--explaining my feeling that I needed no more contact, that I needed to do that for myself and my own sanity. I LOVE My husband and want to have nothing more to do with this man that I let mess with my head for three years. I emailed him this and then blocked him from emailing me. Because I know how he works, and if I hadn't blocked him he would have sent me some defensive angry email..I just can't handle that nonsense anymore. Life is too short and I have far more to be concerned with in life. So here's the thing. It's like my head and heart KNOWS he's wrong for me (after seeing the sides of him that are not what i want) yet somehow, it will take me a long time to get over the HABIT of seeing email from him etc. It's like a habit,a bad one at that. I know he is no longer deserving of my time and interest and yet some part of me is or was addicted to seeing his name in my email box. What is that about?? I plan to keep and stay busy, and will be ok.. but anything that anyone can suggest to help me keep moving forward, is appreciated. I've made what I know to be the RIGHT decision for myself and my life..and yet it's like what cigarette smokers must feel--after quitting. Something addictive about it. That bothers me, that I let myself grow addicted to a man who lacks continuity when it comes to our relationship. He is enamoured with me for two months and then suddenly seems as if he could take it or leave it. He isn't with someone else- that much I can guarantee.. he isn't happy with his wife either..but he has issues of some sort. At times I have thought he might be a narcissitic personality (from things I'd read)..but I'm no psychiatrist.. I just want words of wisdom and tips on how to keep walking--not look back and not give him another chance if he ever decides to find me again. I cannot allow myself to go through this EVER again..:( sorry for writing so much :(

Your correct it does have elements of addiction to it, emotional addiction to the HIGH you get from him wanting you paying attention ETC... But people get addicted to a drug after they start taking it not before so the question you should be answering is way did you start
, you said you have a good husband who you love so there must have been something that caused you to risk it all for nothing, discover what that is and deal with it so the dorr to another affair with XMM or anyone else will be closed for ever.
You may want to sit down and write in detail way you want to be done with this affair, if temped to go back take it out and read it again and again.
You will find posting and journaling can help deal with the desire to e-mail or IM him, also reading lots of the posts her can help you not to forget the bad stuff you went through.
Best of luck.
I found him "Safe" because we weren't living right near one another, we had a past etc.
So in the end I can only say that what lead to this, was my feeling of "sameness" in my life and enjoying the feeling of excitement he gave me---...
UG. I just wish now that i had never let myself get drawn in.
Have you and hubby worked on ways of renewing the fireworks, it can be done, that will help affair prof yout to.
Free