I need someone to talk me off the ledge of disaster...
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|Mon, 03-11-2013 - 10:32am|
I have been with my husband for over 22 years. Just a little over a week ago I ended an affair I was having for the past 5 months. During those 5 months my AP and I talked and texted several times a day. When we started the affair, my AP had just broken up with his girlfriend of 6 years. He was very honest about still loving her and wanting to get back together with her, which they eventually ended up doing while our affair was still going on. I was okay with all of this because when I started the affair I was solely looking for a physical relationship, which I was not getting at home. I should have known better, because I am not a casual sex type person, and of course I developed some very serious feelings about this person. I was the one who broke off the relationship because it was getting impossibly hard for me to deal with the fact that he was in love with her and not me, and as a result, I was the one putting all the effort into maintaining our affair. What started off as something that brought joy to my life was now causing me more pain than joy and I just knew that it was time for me to end it. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and I struggle every day to stay strong and avoid contacting him. My life is just so empty and sad without him now, that I have caved in and texted him a few times since then and he has also texted me. My texts to him are always along the lines of how much I miss having him in my life (I know, so pathetic!) while his to me have been about asking me to help him find some information he needs or to just share something about his day without ever even asking me about how I am doing. I am a rational person and can definitely see that I miss him and our relationship, while he on the other hand, misses the things that I did for him that made his life easier. Needless to say his lack of emotion over my exiting his life has now made me angry. Here I am crying over this guy, distraught and barely able to get through my day while he has moved on with his life as if the past 5 months never existed and with no reprecussions or distress whatsover to his life.
And now this is where I need some help/ persepective.... when we first got together his girlfriend found out about me and they almost did not get back together. He of course assured her he ended our realtionship once he found out she wanted to get back together with him and I confirmed this for her when she out of the blue called me one day (she got my phone number out of his phone). At that time she threatened to expose the affair to my husband and sent me an email threatening that she was going to do so. She never took any steps to do so I just ignored all future communication from her and she finally started believing that he had indeed ended things with me. So bascially I have gotten away with having had this affair without my husband finding out about it. But my anger and depression is now seriously clouding my judgment. All I can think of is making him feel as miserable as I do. I want to tell his girlfriend about the affair because I feel that my AP should also suffer as I am (i know, this is so vindictive and ugly of me). Then again, I know that by letting his girlfriend know about it, I am also risking this thing blowing out of control and ultimately blowing back to me and my husband finding out about it. Logically and rationally , I know it is not a good idea and that I just need to move forward with my life and not cause any more hurt to anyone. I just need to hear someone else tell me what a bad idea exposing this is. I have noone I can talk to about all of this and just need some feedback from someone who has been in my shoes and can talk some sense into me. *sigh*