I need someone to talk me off the ledge of disaster...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2013
I need someone to talk me off the ledge of disaster...
11
Mon, 03-11-2013 - 10:32am

I have been with my husband for over 22 years.  Just a little over a week ago I ended an affair I was having for the past 5 months.  During those 5 months my AP and I  talked and texted several times a day.  When we started the affair, my AP had just broken up with his girlfriend of 6 years.  He was very honest about still loving her and wanting to get back together with her, which they eventually ended up doing while our affair was still going on.   I was okay with all of this because when I started the affair I was solely looking for a physical relationship, which I was not getting at home.  I should have known better, because I am not a casual sex type person, and of course I developed some very serious feelings about this person.  I was the one who broke off the relationship because it was getting impossibly hard for me to deal with the fact that he was in love with her and not me, and as a result, I was the one putting all the effort into maintaining our affair.   What started off as something that brought joy to my life was now causing me more pain than joy and I just knew that it was time for me to end it.  It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and I struggle every day to stay strong and avoid contacting him.   My life is just so empty and sad without him now, that I have caved in and texted him a few times since then and he has also texted me.   My texts to him are always along the lines of how much I miss having him in my life (I know, so pathetic!) while his to me have been about asking me to help him find some information he needs or to just share something about his day without ever even asking me about how I am doing.   I am a rational person and can definitely see that I miss him and our relationship,  while he on the other hand, misses the things that I did for him that made his life easier.  Needless to say his lack of emotion over my exiting his life has now made me angry.  Here I am crying over this guy, distraught and barely able to get through my day while he has moved on with his life  as if the past 5 months never existed and with no reprecussions or distress whatsover to his life.

And now this is where I need some help/ persepective....  when we first got together his girlfriend found out about me and they almost did not get back together.  He of course assured her he ended our realtionship once he found out she wanted to get back together with him and I confirmed this for her when she out of the blue called me one day (she got my phone number out of his phone).  At that time she threatened to expose the affair to my husband and sent me an email threatening that she was going to do so.   She never took any steps to do so I just ignored all future communication from her and she finally started believing that he had indeed ended things with me.   So bascially I have gotten away with having had this affair without my husband finding out about it.  But my anger and depression is now seriously clouding my judgment.   All I can think of is making him feel as miserable as I do.  I want to tell his girlfriend about the affair because I feel that my AP should also suffer as I am (i know, this is so vindictive and ugly of me).  Then again, I know that by letting his girlfriend know about it, I am also risking this thing blowing out of control and ultimately blowing back to me and my husband finding out about it.  Logically and rationally , I know it is not a good idea and that I just need to move forward with my life and not cause any more hurt to anyone.   I just need to hear someone else tell me what a bad idea exposing this is.  I have noone I can talk to about all of this and just need some feedback from someone who has been in my shoes and can talk some sense into me.   *sigh*

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2014

Greetings to you that is reading this testimony. My name is Andrea Ramsay, I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage, he left me and the kid to suffer, one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address babaka.wolf@gmail.com have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my husband back, i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back, because i am now happy with my husband. His email again is babaka.wolf@gmail.com

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

Good morning and welcome to EAS

Glad you found us.  Now step back and off the ledge.  You absolutely do not want to spill his beans and you seem to know the reasons why...and we all know what can happen to the Messenger ;)  I can tell you are a smart woman...yeh yeh you made a not-so-smart choice...but you are still a smart woman.

Most of us tend to believe that THEY got off scott free.  No one gets off scott free in affairs.  Some may experience worse consequences than others, but no one gets off scott free.  Emotionally, everyone..unless they have experienced a discovery day, has to carry around a secret while they live in fear...waiting for the other shoe to drop for a discovery day, or, they do their inner own work (of which we are unaware) to insure they never go down that destructive path again, or, they do nothing to better themselves and go on to repeat their mistakes.  Everyone has their own lessons to learn, and it is not up to us to interrupt that process.

What IS up to us to do, which takes focus and energy, is to do whatever it takes to make sure WE don't ever go down such a destructive path again.  When we start this process, it leaves us precious little time to concern ourselves with how they are getting along.

So, for a little reinforcement, let's look at a couple of things that can happen to the Messenger.

1. YOU can cause your Discovery Day

2.  They can band together against you and make your life a living hell...with or without...setting up a Discovery Day

3.  Messengers DO get shot.  We read about it a lot.

Leave him to his own design, and you go about your life, seeking out your own lessons, and straightening yourself out.  You need to answer some very important questions; such as:

1. Why did I think it okay to break my Vows.

2. Why did I jeopardize all I hold dear

3. What was the/were the voids I was trying to fill and how can I go about filling those myself.

4.  What can I do to insure that I don't find myself in this kind of position...ever again.

These are the questions you must focus on.  Along with our support, sitting with a professional can help you get to your core issues...because ultimately it is all about us and our weaknesses/our limitations.

"No contact" is our motto here.  Block all avenues of contact and don't look back...except in therapy ;) 

Run no interference.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

The guilt and shame can feel overwhelming.  There's a thread in our Healing Library that discusses all that.  We don't want to get caught up in a cycle they can create.

I think you can start feeling better just knowing that you are doing the right thing now.  You've ended it...you have ended it right?  Can't move forward 'til you've cut the cord.

You recognize that what you were doing was inappropriate. You are here trying to learn to do better. Those are all big steps towards recovery.

Unfortunately, if we allow ourselves to become emotionally, physically and spiritually bankrupt, and affairs will do that...suck the very life force out of us, we need to get to the bottom of it...find out what makes ourownselves ticks...and go from there...so we even know what to ask for.  Journaling is a good way to get things out...down in black and write...even listing out the voids that need feeling.  More often than not, we find that they can be filled by us with healthier endeavors.  So again, I strongly suggest sitting with a therapist.  I've seen people grow by leaps and bounds once they do so.  Then you can sit with your hubby and be more specific (because you'll know what to ask for)...rather than using 'in general'...men need specifics if they are going to feel as if they can make a difference in our wellbeing. 

There's something about even just making the appointment that can make one feel better...like they are being proactive.  I know it did for me...I knew things were going to get better and everything would be alright once that appointment was set up.

And, there is a lot of reading material you can get your hands on in the meantime.

You're going to be okay.  The ending is a painful process, there's no getting around that.  But there is an end in sight.  There is no end to the pain while in the affair.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2013

My husband does wonder why I am so depressed.  He has asked me and I have just told him that I am not happy in general.  It's gut wrenching because he has gone out of his way to try to make me feel better.  And of course, the nicer he is to me, the guiltier it makes me feel and the more depressed I get that I have cheated on him.  The worse part of all of this is that I have been cheated on before in prior relationships.  I know how much it hurts to be betrayed.  If someone had told me 6 months ago that I would be cheating on my spouse I would have told them they were crazy.  I still can't even believe that I have done this.  I don't know if I am ever going to be able to let go of the guilt I feel, but I know that in order to move forward, I have to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2013

I do still love my husband and yes, the sex stopped due to medical reasons on his part.  Although, to be honest, the sex had significantly diminished even before it stopped completely.   Before I sought out the affair I did try to talk to my husband about the sex but it is something he gets very upset about and so I dropped it.  My seeking out an affair however, goes far deeper than the lack of sex, it is just to complicated to type up into a  little box on a message board.   I was seeing a professional right before the end of the year but that was not helping me either because I was still more committed to the affair than I was to my marriage.   I stopped going and perhaps I will go back to that again at some point.

You ask me why I worry about my AP, and it is because he somehow became the most important person in my life.  When I turned to him, I emotionally cut out everyone else.  And so after only 1 week of him being out of my life (albeit, not even completely because of the occassioanly text), I am finding it extremely difficult to let him go.  He is all I think of when I am awake and even when I sleep I often dream of him as well.   It is this obsessive unhealthy attraction I feel to him that I am finding so hard to reconcile and let go of.   I am not usually a needy person.  I am very independent and have always been so in my relationships.  However, my relationship with him was completely different than any I have ever had.  I was very dependent on him and he was always texting, calling and checking on me.  I became someone with him that I did not even recognize or think I could be. 

I am trying to do as you suggest and transfer all the feelings I have for my AP into my husband and our life now.  And this may sound crazy, but it feels like I am cheating on my AP by doing so.  I do however know that I will not just walk away from a 20+ year realtionship without trying to fix it first.   But I have to give it 100%, which is partly why i ended things with my AP.  I knew that relationship was not going to go anywhere and I cant continue being  unhappy and depressed so I owe it to both me and my husband to really try to fix our relationship without any distractions.  And if I cant fix it, then i will have to walk away. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I echo the idea that it would be bad to tell his GF--being vindictive about anything usually backfires and won't really make you feel better.  You said at the beginning that he was honest & said that he loved his exGF and wanted to get back w/ her.  So he was up front with you.  You knew about this going in, but then thought that you could have a physical affair only.  then later on, you realized that, probably like a lot of women, it's not so easy to be physical only and you got emotionally attached to him.

So what you should really be looking at is why you feel empty & sad.  Of course you miss him & the excitement of the affair, but you need to find happiness in your life and not depend on someone else to make you happy.  You said you're not getting the physical relationship at home--why is that?  Is your DH just uninterested or is there a physical problem?  You said that he's a good guy & you don't want to hurt him, but if he found out about this, it certainly would hurt him, so keep that in mind.  He's probably wondering why you are moping around the house & crying.  You might think that you are keeping everything together and trying not to act different but before I found out that my exH was cheating on me, I knew he was acting more distant and I kept asking him what was wrong and he said nothing.  then I found out he wanted to get a divorce.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

Xxxs

Setting boundaries are usually our number problem.  If one cannot set and stay within their boundaries spoken in their vows when they take a spouse, then one should address their problem with this head-on...and talk it over with their spouse or divorce if they find they cannot remain true to them if that is what both parties decide.  Marriage is a two-person contract and one should not be making a unilateral decision to break that contract.

We don't suggest that anyone reassess to make an affair work/or take a lover here on an Ending an Affair Support Board.  We suggest people grow up and take to heart their 'commitment'.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Hi

   This is the time to learn to deal with yourself.  You are not getting what you need at home.  But you seem to want a "love" affair rather than a lover,booty call or FWB. 

    That is the internal conflict that I suggest you address. 

     Perhaps ground rules on emotion as such as sex,affection,friendship,conversation, can center you.  Their is a certain mindset that needs to be acquired to successfully enjoy a lover.  Many people who have lovers are compartmentalized into different rooms in the mind.  The lover in one room the H in another.  Some have several lovers or are open in their marriage.  Boundaries need to be established from day 1.  Boundaries are there to protect them and you. 

  Questions to ask yourself such as:  what do i want from this person?      How much of myself am I willing to share?                                                            How much of my emotional time am I able to give?     Is it just sex or do I want an illusion on a romance novel?

dragowoman

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

You're welcome :)

I forgot to mention that you should pick a better name...one more positive.  When you see and type your name, you are reinforcing to your brain, which pays very close attention, that you are empty inside.  You don't want to do that.

And about that anger.  Eventually you will come to realize that you really can only be angry with yourself.  Believe me, that is even harder to get by.  We teach people how to treat us.  You (we all) put out the loud and clear message that were capable of crapping all over ourselves and our loved ones...and there is always someone who will exploit that weakness and there is always someone who is capable of doing likewise and so are more than happy to collude with us.

Use your anger to launch yourself up up and away (in the famous words of Buzz Lightyear :), but eventually you'll have to redirect it...direct it where it belongs.

Ivillage made a big changeover and many have left the building.  There are still a few who check in every now and then.  I check the Board several times a day.  So keep posting in with your thoughts and feelings.

The Healing Library crashed and burned as well during the turnover, but there are still threads worthy of reading.

Also, the baggagereclaim site has everything you wanted to know about relationships/yourself but were afraid to ask...hah.  You have to be an oldtimer to get that...lol

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

The fact that you fear being exposed to your husband says a lot!  You obviously still have feelings for him.  You ned to transfer all those emotions and feelings to him where they belong.  Was there a specific health reason why there was no sex at home?  You need to start talking to him and fixing your marriage.  Going outside the marriage, as you've sadly found out, doesn't  fix anything!  It just creates more problems.  Why worry about your AP and his g/f?  They deserve each other, and if he lied to her about you, he'll lie to her about another woman eventually, too.  They will both get what they deserve in time.  Their life is not your concern, you have to put your time and effort into fixing your life.  If you can't fix your marriage, then maybe it's time to end it and move on with your life as a free woman.  Good Luck to you. 

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