I need a starting point, PLEASE!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
I need a starting point, PLEASE!!!
7
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 4:12pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 4:31pm

Welcome, getmylifeback :)


I'm still pretty new, and I'm sure one of the vets will be along shortly to give the "speech" LOL! It's a great speech and one we all need to hear as we end.


Read all you can here...go down to The Healing Library...LOTS of good stuff there. First order of business is instituting NC (no contact) by blocking all methods of communication. It's a TOUGH, BUMPY, EMOTIONAL ride, but there are many here who can tell you it can all end if you want it to.


My A has been over for 2 months. We're VERY LOW contact, but I haven't seen, or spoken to him in weeks. If you work or live near this man, read the "Rules for LC" thread...in The Healing Library (I think.)


We'll all be here for you :) Me personally, I've had to work through the grief of losing the A before I could put much back into my M, but I'm making progress :) H is on board and we're TRYING as I had "checked out" LONG before I met x AP.


Glad you

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 12:21pm

First of all, I completely agree with HH2's advice. I am also new to EAS. Keep reading everyone's posts. This is what has kept me strong. I almost gave in when my xAP broke NC a few days ago, but the advice I received from my friends here prevented it (thanks so much, guys!).

<>
Do you know how many times I said these words to myself? If you're like me, you are still craving the attention you're getting from the R with your AP. It feels good. It's an escape from the everyday rut your life has become. It's an addiction. I think you have a starting point in knowing that you won't ever have a trusting R with your AP. If you think there is even a remote chance of having a stable future with this guy then you are chasing a rainbow.

I am on attempt #3 at ending a 3-year A. My story can be found under "newcomer in need of healing" thread if you care to read it. I failed twice before for several reasons:
I wasn't ready to let go of my craving for attention. I loved being told I was "the best he'd ever had".
Even at the risk of my own well being, I have trouble telling people "NO". I never want to hurt anyone's feelings and I can't tell you how many times this has gotten me into trouble.
I tried to "just be friends". It doesn't work!
I got sucked back in by his expression of how much I hurt him by ending the A. How could I hurt someone like that? (gag!)

It sounds like you are hot happy with this double life you are living. I did it for three years and the stress overtook me. I can't believe I was willing to put myself through all that just for the excitement of the "crumbs" of attention he tossed me when he could get time away from his obligations at home. Your AP sounds very similar to mine.

End it with him now! Think about what you might have to give up if your H discovers this. When you feel tempted to have contact with your AP, come to this board for support. It is going to be very emotionally difficult for you, but it will get better day by day. My friends here promised me that, and they are right. I feel stronger every day. We will get you through this. You just need to find the courage to tell him goodbye. We will help you stay accountable for your decision to end your A.

We're here for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 1:30pm

getmylifeback,


You go forward by ending it. Without making that huge step, you will stay exactly where you are now - in an affair that is sucking your real life away from you. You very well may wake up one day and everything that is dear and precious to you will be hurt and destroyed by your selfish behavior. Tough words, but try stepping out of your affair fog for a moment and look aroudf at what you could lose.


By ending it, you also regain your dignity and self respect back. When you find the strength to say bye to your AP, you will get you back. It will not be easy, but the rewards are worth it. Take a long look at yourself in the mirror. Really look at who you are and what you have become during the affair. Is this what you want? Is that what you want your children, your husband, your family to see? I can promise you, when you grasp the reality of discovery, the total destruction it can bring to your life, you will want to end the affair, no matter the pain, you will end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 10:03pm

If only I could be so strong as all of you. You are so right, it is an addiction to the attention, to being told that Im the best, that Im so easy to be with. Ive always been a skeptic so why am I so gullable with this person? More importantly, how do I give up the need to be with him and put that focus back into my marriage? Thats what seems to be so scarey, no texts, no chance of seeing him. I hate even typing this when I know that I am a strong and self assured woman who has gotten sucked in by this A.


I will continue to come to this board daily for inspiration and I think that I am slowly making baby steps. Ill get there and will be thankful to be free from my phone and waiting for that little crumb tossed my way.


Wish me luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 1:29am

Ya know GMLB, there is no damn rhyme nor reason for the feelings you get from an affair.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2007
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 4:39am

Here is a starting point for you:

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 8:53am

Runningmom,


Great advice and even better that you implemented those changes. It really is all about taking the steps to eliminate the contact, the triggers, and the negative attitude that "I can't do this." Sure we can. You just have to want to, is all.


Thanks for posting in and sharing with us, and 6 months? You go girl!


((Hugs))

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~