i need tough love

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
i need tough love
10
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 9:09pm

Hi All,


Obviously my very wobbly

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 9:31pm

Take hold of my hand NC2010.

I want you to sit with me and listen to the care in my voice. You are not alone and we will not abandon you. You are safe and cared for. I am sorry more of us did not answer your call for help. I am sorry.

I admit that it is tough for me to engage with early enders. I have a hard time going back to that raw pain, and an even harder time when I hear reluctance on behalf of the newbie. I get triggered. Perhaps it scares me to remember that I felt that way too. I remember thinking, I will go NC and for sure he will come running back to me. And you know what he did. He begged and pleaded to be back in my life. And I let him back in. And he broke my heart almost past the point of repair. He promised me the world. He told his W about his 'love' for me. Her and I even talked about it. He was apartment shopping and top on his list of things to do together post A, was a sleep over with his baby and me. I was very close to his baby ... I was the first to meet her after she was born. Anyway, I believed him. For the first time in our whole A, I believed a future for us was possible. I talked to my own family and friends. Shared my hopes with them. Then he changed his mind. Said that it was harder than he thought it was going to be. He says this to me. My H had left me because of the A and I had to explain to our children that we were separating. But somehow, it was too hard for him. Nice. I swiftly instituted NC. What did he do? He sent me messages and emails indicating that he was suicidal. I did not respond. I quit my job to get away from his endless attempts at re-engaging me in the A. I simply could not stomach him anymore. And truly, I had come to care about the well-being of his W & child more than I cared about him. I find the hurt I caused her and my H is the most unbearable part of this whole A disaster. It is a crushing kind of pain. You should count yourself lucky. You don't know pain until you know Dday pain.

I was so done. The dream had died. I had both feet planted back into reality.

So, posters who hold out hope scare me. I want you to let go of the hope of a future with him because I have walked that road. That hope was built on a fantasy. A fantasy that cost me my H and my own dreams. I am living a life I never imagined. I would cut off my left arm for the chance to have my H back. My H who has stood by my side through this whole awful A. My H who held me while I cried after my xAP partner changed his mind. That's Love.

Well, that's my story. I hope it offers you some insight into your situation. I hope you'll feel me caring that you're hurting. Because I do. I wish I could blow that fog away for you - but that's the work that you have to do.

((hugs))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 10:17pm

Hi nocomp,


I am sorry you are feeling unheard and overlooked.


I am not a regular poster because I too am so raw with my

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 10:40pm

Hi TU


Thank you ;) ....

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 1:53am

NC, NC, NC


(In my best Dr. Phil mono tone southern-draw voice) What were you thinking?


Do you know I was called in as reinforcements to your previous thread?


Ok so TU sat and talked to you and offered her hand but Izaha got a bit of a different approach.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 6:27am

NC,


We're all here for you no matter what. And I think us newbies are prone to relapses, and the emotional rollercoaster taking a reverse turn.


I think you're just right posting how you're feeling even if the 6mth thing is disagreed with - you need your voice heard, so the Vets can dish tough love... as painful as it is.


How you feeling today?


TU - Your story, my lord.... you were almost there with your XAP and he pulled out? WTF... I think if you can get through that then we all have to look at you for inspiration.


Is XAP back with his wife and baby? Is there no chance of a reconciliation with H - what are you up to now?


Empowerment is the distributor of reality and sometimes this is necessary for us newbies. I agree with her views on the 6mth thing - I considered something like that for me and XAP, but really how can I move on... really it's all or nothing and XAP did not deliver.


Today, while XAP adds my friends as his on FBk, I feel sick. I still hold hope and have to snap myself out of it. H and I are going on a date tomorrow evening and I'm dreading it... I just wish the prescribed pills i got from doc would hit quicker to help me summon energy to get dressed today.


I've so many demons to confront, like is my M what I really want. Most of my first year of marriage was an affair and that scares the hell outta me. I've been a serial relationshipper all my life.. never alone, I just don't know what to do.


I can't wait until this time next year, to see me stronger and better (with a new job).


Love to you all... NC, we're all here... sometimes my posts get little response, and it is disheartening especially when you're having a weak moment.


But we are all hear and reading even if some don't have the time to respond.


PKx

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 6:56am

E1,E1,E1,


I hear ya... i should be trembling in my boots that they called in the big girls.

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 2:23pm

Hi NC-


I am sorry you felt abandoned. I have been feeling incredible pressure lately to spend more time here, but to

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 2:38pm

<

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 2:47pm

Hi PK,


I’m hi-jacking NC’s thread to respond to your reply. I was doing so good with reducing my number of hi-jacks over the past couple of months but will try to get to the point quickly (a challenge for me sometimes).


I’m starting a thread for you down in the M section.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 2:04pm
E1,

LMAO...Thank you for that!