I need to walk away
Find a Conversation
I need to walk away
| Mon, 01-26-2004 - 2:12pm |
I came across this message board a month ago, totally by chance. It has been a great source of comfort and encouragement to me and it is amazing to find that I am not alone, and that there are so many other women (and men) out there whose circumstances are similar to mine, in one way or another.
I was in an A for 2 ½ years. I ended it over the new year. I have tried to end it several times before, without much success, but this time it feels different. This time, I think I am finally ready to let go of XOM on an emotional level, and to move on with my life. The past 2 ½ years have been a roller coaster ride. While the “highs” of the ride were exhilarating, the “lows” were also the most painful periods of my life. And I could never get over the guilt, the secrecy, the pain, the confusion and the questions that plagued me constantly.
You see, I have been married for 6 years to a wonderful man who is my best friend. We have a great relationship with good communication and understanding of each other. He is supportive of my career and my goals in life and loves me dearly. I love him and care about him a great deal too. The last thing I’ll want to do is to hurt him. But yet I find myself doing exactly that. I know I don’t deserve him and I feel so ashamed for what I have done to him.
Till today, I can never fully comprehend why I embarked on the A in the first place. I was not looking for an A. It just happened. In a way, I should have seen it coming. XOM and I are co-workers. I had always known that he was attracted to me from the moment we met. I was mildly flattered but then I am a fairly attractive person and have my share of admirers. We worked as a team on matters occasionally and he would sometimes send me cheeky emails as a joke, and I’ll ignore him. Though when we got to know each other better, I’ll play along and respond with something cheeky as well, but we both knew it was meant to be a joke, and I thought it was all harmless fun. Over the course of a year, the emails started to become more explicit and eventually they became inappropriate. I tried to tell myself that we were just joking around but the intensity of the attraction between us became undeniable.
I was having some problems with H at that time. We had stopped having sex for quite a while – he wanted a baby, there was too much stress and sex became a chore so we just gave up. It didn’t help that I never really enjoyed sex with H to begin with but I had brushed that aside at the beginning of our relationship by telling myself that it was not important.
One weekend XOM and I went away on business together and one thing led to another and we ended up in bed together. It was fantastic. We were totally sexually compatible and for the first time in several years, I found myself enjoying this pleasure which I have long forgotten. The next day, I felt so guilty that I practically ignored him the whole day. Back in the office, I realized what a mistake I had made and told him that it must not happen again. He agreed, and for the next 6 months, we only spoke when it was necessary and work related, and stopped our email exchange. But six months later, he started to pursue me again, following me on an overseas trip (even though he had no reason to go) and trying to seduce me during the trip (which I resisted), followed by endless emails and sms telling me how much he wanted me and how he tried to stop himself for the past 6 months but could no longer do so etc. He pursued me tirelessly for a few months and while I tried to remain firm, I eventually “broke” and gave in to him.
Over the next couple of months, I was to experience the “high” of our relationship. XOM would pop by my office constantly, walked past every hour or so and glance at me each time he walks past with a look that could melt my heart, steal kisses or just a touch of my skin, and send messages and emails throughout the day. He would send me text messages in the middle of the night, saying that he was so in love with me and he didn’t know what to do, that it was killing him that we couldn’t be together, and asking me to marry him. But then every now and then, he would pull back, and ignore me when we see each other in the office. I would leave him alone, only to find him chasing after me again with a greater intensity than ever. It was absolutely confusing. Still, I knew it was wrong and so about 4 months into our “second” A, I told him that I could no longer continue in the A, but that I hoped we could remain as friends. He was mad with me and stopped talking to me. At the end of the week, he begged me to re-consider, said that he couldn’t live without me. I slipped back into the black hole. I was so swept away by his passionate declarations that I no longer had the will nor the strength to resist him. Gradually, I began to fall in love with him, or is it the feeling of being passionately in love?
Throughout the A, we went from being passionately in love one week, to not talking to each other the next week or so, to being passionately in love again. On certain weeks, he would totally ignore me in the office. I would leave him alone, only to find him pursuing me again, and then backing off after a while. He was blowing hot and cold. After a while, I could no longer keep up with it. The ups and downs of our relationship was beginning to take a toll on me and draining me emotionally and physically. I broke it off again after a big fight, and we didn’t speak to each other for months. Two months later, he started pursuing me yet again by telling me how sorry he was, how he missed me etc. I ignored him but he kept it up, and after two months of him begging me to speak to him again, I found myself in the black hole once again. This time, he asked me to leave my H and to marry him. I didn’t give him an answer. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how I felt. I loved my H and didn’t want to hurt him, and yet I loved XOM too. Before I could give him any answer, the company asked XOM if he would consider a transfer to another office in another country. There were good prospects for him there and they really wanted him there. He decided to take up the offer. He later told me that it was because of me. I don’t know why, and I don’t know what he meant by that.
He came back to town a few times after his move and we met up. He would beg me to leave my H and relocate to where he is, saying that he missed me so much and couldn’t live without me. Then when he is back in his office, I do not hear a word from him. Just the occasional one-liner email and the occasional phone call. It was driving me up the wall. I was totally confused. One thing I forgot to mention is that XOM tends to be unreliable sometimes. He used to complain that I could never spend any time with him, and that I was in the relationship for my convenience only. Yet, on occasions when I was free to spend some time with him, XOM would suddenly have plans of his own or would mysteriously fall ill. I think perhaps he has an issue with commitment.
Anyway, I decided enough was enough and decided to face the issue once and for all. I told XOM that if he was sincere and earnest about us being together, to say so now or forever keep his peace. Otherwise, I was going to move on with my life. I was being unfair to both H and XOM and I was tired of the uncertainly, confusion, hurt, anger, deceit, guilt and lies. I had a feeling he wouldn't respond. He didn’t, safe to say that he needs to talk to me but he had been too busy. To be honest, I know that he is indeed pretty busy, but surely if something like this is not important enough for him to respond to promptly, then this relationship is not worth pursuing further. And so I told him I was moving on.
And here I am. I have decided to walk away from XOM once and for all, and to try to make my marriage work. It has been difficult – I still find myself unable to have sex with my H, but I am trying. And I have been on NC with XOM for 3 weeks. There have been times when I wanted so badly to call him and had to stop myself. It is so difficult to suddenly stop talking to someone who has been special part of your life. What’s worse is that it hurts to think that perhaps he was leading me on all along, perhaps he never loved me and I fooled myself into thinking that he did, that he never meant a word when he said that he loved me and wanted us to be together, that the past 2 ½ years was all a fantasy and an illusion. But I suppose it shouldn’t matter any more, since I have chosen to walk away.
I was in an A for 2 ½ years. I ended it over the new year. I have tried to end it several times before, without much success, but this time it feels different. This time, I think I am finally ready to let go of XOM on an emotional level, and to move on with my life. The past 2 ½ years have been a roller coaster ride. While the “highs” of the ride were exhilarating, the “lows” were also the most painful periods of my life. And I could never get over the guilt, the secrecy, the pain, the confusion and the questions that plagued me constantly.
You see, I have been married for 6 years to a wonderful man who is my best friend. We have a great relationship with good communication and understanding of each other. He is supportive of my career and my goals in life and loves me dearly. I love him and care about him a great deal too. The last thing I’ll want to do is to hurt him. But yet I find myself doing exactly that. I know I don’t deserve him and I feel so ashamed for what I have done to him.
Till today, I can never fully comprehend why I embarked on the A in the first place. I was not looking for an A. It just happened. In a way, I should have seen it coming. XOM and I are co-workers. I had always known that he was attracted to me from the moment we met. I was mildly flattered but then I am a fairly attractive person and have my share of admirers. We worked as a team on matters occasionally and he would sometimes send me cheeky emails as a joke, and I’ll ignore him. Though when we got to know each other better, I’ll play along and respond with something cheeky as well, but we both knew it was meant to be a joke, and I thought it was all harmless fun. Over the course of a year, the emails started to become more explicit and eventually they became inappropriate. I tried to tell myself that we were just joking around but the intensity of the attraction between us became undeniable.
I was having some problems with H at that time. We had stopped having sex for quite a while – he wanted a baby, there was too much stress and sex became a chore so we just gave up. It didn’t help that I never really enjoyed sex with H to begin with but I had brushed that aside at the beginning of our relationship by telling myself that it was not important.
One weekend XOM and I went away on business together and one thing led to another and we ended up in bed together. It was fantastic. We were totally sexually compatible and for the first time in several years, I found myself enjoying this pleasure which I have long forgotten. The next day, I felt so guilty that I practically ignored him the whole day. Back in the office, I realized what a mistake I had made and told him that it must not happen again. He agreed, and for the next 6 months, we only spoke when it was necessary and work related, and stopped our email exchange. But six months later, he started to pursue me again, following me on an overseas trip (even though he had no reason to go) and trying to seduce me during the trip (which I resisted), followed by endless emails and sms telling me how much he wanted me and how he tried to stop himself for the past 6 months but could no longer do so etc. He pursued me tirelessly for a few months and while I tried to remain firm, I eventually “broke” and gave in to him.
Over the next couple of months, I was to experience the “high” of our relationship. XOM would pop by my office constantly, walked past every hour or so and glance at me each time he walks past with a look that could melt my heart, steal kisses or just a touch of my skin, and send messages and emails throughout the day. He would send me text messages in the middle of the night, saying that he was so in love with me and he didn’t know what to do, that it was killing him that we couldn’t be together, and asking me to marry him. But then every now and then, he would pull back, and ignore me when we see each other in the office. I would leave him alone, only to find him chasing after me again with a greater intensity than ever. It was absolutely confusing. Still, I knew it was wrong and so about 4 months into our “second” A, I told him that I could no longer continue in the A, but that I hoped we could remain as friends. He was mad with me and stopped talking to me. At the end of the week, he begged me to re-consider, said that he couldn’t live without me. I slipped back into the black hole. I was so swept away by his passionate declarations that I no longer had the will nor the strength to resist him. Gradually, I began to fall in love with him, or is it the feeling of being passionately in love?
Throughout the A, we went from being passionately in love one week, to not talking to each other the next week or so, to being passionately in love again. On certain weeks, he would totally ignore me in the office. I would leave him alone, only to find him pursuing me again, and then backing off after a while. He was blowing hot and cold. After a while, I could no longer keep up with it. The ups and downs of our relationship was beginning to take a toll on me and draining me emotionally and physically. I broke it off again after a big fight, and we didn’t speak to each other for months. Two months later, he started pursuing me yet again by telling me how sorry he was, how he missed me etc. I ignored him but he kept it up, and after two months of him begging me to speak to him again, I found myself in the black hole once again. This time, he asked me to leave my H and to marry him. I didn’t give him an answer. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how I felt. I loved my H and didn’t want to hurt him, and yet I loved XOM too. Before I could give him any answer, the company asked XOM if he would consider a transfer to another office in another country. There were good prospects for him there and they really wanted him there. He decided to take up the offer. He later told me that it was because of me. I don’t know why, and I don’t know what he meant by that.
He came back to town a few times after his move and we met up. He would beg me to leave my H and relocate to where he is, saying that he missed me so much and couldn’t live without me. Then when he is back in his office, I do not hear a word from him. Just the occasional one-liner email and the occasional phone call. It was driving me up the wall. I was totally confused. One thing I forgot to mention is that XOM tends to be unreliable sometimes. He used to complain that I could never spend any time with him, and that I was in the relationship for my convenience only. Yet, on occasions when I was free to spend some time with him, XOM would suddenly have plans of his own or would mysteriously fall ill. I think perhaps he has an issue with commitment.
Anyway, I decided enough was enough and decided to face the issue once and for all. I told XOM that if he was sincere and earnest about us being together, to say so now or forever keep his peace. Otherwise, I was going to move on with my life. I was being unfair to both H and XOM and I was tired of the uncertainly, confusion, hurt, anger, deceit, guilt and lies. I had a feeling he wouldn't respond. He didn’t, safe to say that he needs to talk to me but he had been too busy. To be honest, I know that he is indeed pretty busy, but surely if something like this is not important enough for him to respond to promptly, then this relationship is not worth pursuing further. And so I told him I was moving on.
And here I am. I have decided to walk away from XOM once and for all, and to try to make my marriage work. It has been difficult – I still find myself unable to have sex with my H, but I am trying. And I have been on NC with XOM for 3 weeks. There have been times when I wanted so badly to call him and had to stop myself. It is so difficult to suddenly stop talking to someone who has been special part of your life. What’s worse is that it hurts to think that perhaps he was leading me on all along, perhaps he never loved me and I fooled myself into thinking that he did, that he never meant a word when he said that he loved me and wanted us to be together, that the past 2 ½ years was all a fantasy and an illusion. But I suppose it shouldn’t matter any more, since I have chosen to walk away.

You had a lot to get off your chest.
Seriously... good luck. You're doing the right thing. It will be a struggle. Keep coming by here. There is terrific support and a lot of wisdom here.
You're also doing the right thing 2 ways.
1- You brought the issue to a head. You confronted YOURSELF, and XOM
2- You've gone NC (to the best of your ability).
Stay NC. It is the only way.
Work on your own relationship w/ H... Good luck
I am not going to give advice about what to do, i really think you will do what is best for YOU and that is the way it should be. Know that you're not alone and that some of us are facing that same fork in the road, and it hurts like hell!!!!
But no matter what the moralists say about how "wicked" we are...I feel that God loves us and will guide us to the right decision. I could not have left the ema before this, there's just no way. But as time goes on, I see more and more hope in a life of my own. I couldn't walk away from the mm without it.
Thanks for a great post.....wishing you well.
Yes, I certainly had a great deal to get off my chest. I don't have anyone else to talk to about stuff like this since all my friends are either his friends or my colleagues. It felt good to let it out - I have come so close to confessing the entire A to H in the hope that it would make me feel better, but I know it'll only destroy my M. So I guess this board is my only outlet.
I read your posting and I like the way you drum it into youself - NC NC NC NC NC. I have been getting off quite easy the past few weeks by keeping myself really busy at work but I know it'll be difficult if I were to see him face to face. In fact, XOM came back to town a week ago and dropped by the office. I fixed up a meeting outside the office and made sure I stayed out the entire day just so that I didn't have to see him. When I eventually got back to the office, he heard me coming in and came out to greet me and I could feel myself slipping right back into that dark hole the moment I saw his smile. It took every ounce of my strength to simply smile politely at him before walking past him into my room and locking the door behind me. I still can't face him. I know I will crack.
I will be seeing him next month though - I have to attend a week long meeting overseas and he will be there too. I don't know what I am going to do when I see him. On the one hand, I hope that we can resolve this by talking it through (after all, I do miss the wonderful friendship we used to have, before the A started to complicate things, and besides we still work together at some point) but on the other hand, I fear that by talking things through, it'll just prolong the pain. It is such a dilemma - on the one hand, I want to know what he really felt about me, whether he really loved me or did the 2 1/2 years mean nothing to him. On the other hand, so what if it did? So what if he did truly loved me? Would it make me feel any better? Would it help me to get on with my life. I doubt so.
What am I going to do? I can run away from him for 10 minutes, but one week?
I don't think I am a wicked person, and while I am ashamed of what I have done to my H, and while I don't wish to go through all the pain and agony of the A any more, I will never regret my relationship with XOM. Yes, there were very painful moments, but there were truly special moments as well. Moments I will always treasure. I think what is important is knowing when to say enough and to walk away from the A. I will always keep the memories of those special moments close to my heart, but I know they have to remain as mere memories if I were to move on with my life, not yearning, not desire, but memories. Of course I have to come to terms with what I have done within myself, with my H and with God. My H suspects the A, and told me that God will judge me for what I have done. I feel terrible.
Gosh. Overseas, w/o your H, and for a week w/ xOM? Yipes! I don't envy you.
Don't worry about whether what he had felt was real or not. If it wasn't it'll just make you mad (not in a constructive way), and if it was, you'll just be tormented all the more.
What you can focus on is YOU. Keep before you the reasons for breaking this off. When you find yourself slipping, look down at your wedding band & turn it. It may help.
Another bit that helped me months ago was this question... ask yourself:
"What is it about YOU that you liked about yourself while you were w/ xOM?" Can you re-create that without him? A lot of stories here are very similar (yeah,, the xOMs are always hunky players who are great in bed and full of confidence). But when you are with him, what is it about YOU that you like?
Find a way to like yourself that same way without him...
NC!
(I wish it was easier on this board to search by posters' names. If you could go back to Sept. & re-read my start here... you'd know that I understand. The co-working thing complicates matters)
Good luck!
It’s not so much “what is it about ME that I liked while I was with XOM”. I happen to like myself very much at this point in my life, with or without XOM. I am doing well in life at this point and my career is taking off. I am not seeking any validation that I am attractive or desirable since I never had any problems attracting men and still do now. And contrary to what you think, XOM is not the hunky player – he’s not that great in the looks department. ok, so he’s very charming and full of confidence and some people may consider him a player, and he’s great in bed. But H happens to be a very charming and charismatic man as well who has his fair share of admirers. Everyone loves to be around H, women, straight men, gay men, older people, children. Yet, I have never felt a tinge of jealousy when other women hit on my H. Perhaps it is because I trust H so much that I am not affected. But when I see other women flirting with XOM, I get so mad.
H and I were friends for a while before we hooked up. When we first met, I was in a 6-year relationship with someone, my first love, and someone I loved passionately and deeply. My ex bf became abusive, started to hit me whenever we fought over silly things, and cheated on me repeatedly despite what I did for him (I was supporting him towards the end of our relationship and gave him money to start to business). I clung on despite everything. I was a wreck, nothing like what I am today. Anyway, one day I poured my heart out to H (H is a great listener). H pulled me out of what must have been the darkest moment of my life, made me see the light and gave me the strength to walk out. H then started to pursue me. I resisted it initially, told him I didn’t want him to be my re-bound man and hurt his feelings but he was willing to take his chances and so we got together. I know I am whom I am today because H helped me to find myself again. And in a way, I feel indebted to him. I care about him a great deal too. But the sad truth is there is little passion in our relationship. I just don’t get it – H and I talk so much every day, about everything (except the A). But in bed, H just likes to get it over and done with. No passion, no sweet nothings, no cuddling, just sex.
With XOM, it’s completely different. XOM was the perfect lover. Very attentive and loving, passionate and yet gentle. He would hold me in his arms after we made love and we would talk for hours about “us”. It was as if he couldn’t get enough of me. I was drowning in his passion.
I don't want to make it sound like I am only concerned about sex and nothing else. But all my life I have told myself that the most important things in a relationship are (1) trust and knowing that I can count on that person for anything, and (2) passion. I guess I found them both, one in each man. But that’s life. I picked trust, because I knew from my experience that having trust and peace of mind will preserve my sanity while passion will not.
Wow. That’s another load of my chest. I talk too much.
You see, Im still in A right now for 2 years and 3 months now. This A totally wrecked my whole marriage, work and life. But still, i ddnt get out of it. And i dont know why. Let me share you my story. Been married for 4 years now. H is a very loving man. He provides for all my material needs. But to me, marriage is not just providing for my future, i need to taken cared well enough. I need attention, appreciation, and acknowledgement. And those things are what H neglected to give me. I never thought id be involved in an affair til it happened to me. Im not familiar with acronyms used here so, i'll use my terms first. I got involved with a Man from my previous work. I knew the moment he got in our office, that he's somewhat special. He became my boss. I used to report to him one on one in his office. Until he came on to me. I never assumed, until he expressed his feelings for me. I was totally shocked. I just cant believe that someone will notice me at my lowest point in life. I was having problems with H then. I rejected him that time. And instead, i offered to be his friend. Yet, our affair started with that. We became so close that we got physically and emotionally involved with each other. We can relate so well in everything... work, sports, hobbies and especially in sex. I filled in the missing pieces in his marriage and he tried to do the same for me. But i got so attached to him that he would often remind me that he can't offer much for he loves his family and he has a reputation in the society to keep. Yet, I told him, my love for him is unconditional. I even told him, i'd be happy with anything he can give just for him to stay. Whenever he feels guilty, he would often ask me to stop our relationship. Yet, i'd always beg him to stay. Years past, we became so close and so attached that issues and rumors starts to revolve around the office. And our most dreaded fear happened, someone saw us together on his business trip. And that cost my job. I was asked to resign by him to keep him out of scandal. And i did that. Things happened so fast that i ddnt realize that the relationship dragged everything i have down to wrecked. Since i started sleeping with him, i lost interest in H. H never knew what happened to me but I asked him to leave me for some marriage issues. But honestly, i fell out of love in him which is so bad of me.
Right now, im still with ex-boss. God was so good to me, he gave me a great new job after i lost my job. I never thought, id recover after that loss. But God was just so good. And that's just the reason, why everyday i woke up, i want to move on but i still havent. Im not sure if exboss really loves me, but sometimes, he'd be very nice to me and express his love for me. But on moments where he's feeling guilty, he'd just be so cold and ignore me. And our relationship has been like that for years. A rocky roller coaster ride. There'll be moments where he'll make me so so happy and take it away the next day. He never promised me anything but he always express his love and likes for me.
I just dont know how to walk away and move on. Or i think, i know how but i just cant let him go just like that. He hurt me in a lot of ways. He took away so many things from me. And yet, he'll just walk away clean. Btw, Im his 2nd ema. He's quite an expert now. I just want him to learn his lesson and not walk away just like that. But in the process, its killing me too.
Sorry for long story. Just want to heard.
Like you, I go through so much pain every waking moment of my life. And sometimes while I am asleep too. I used to dream about him and wake up crying. I still cry every now and then - like when I hear "our song" on the radio, when I look up in the sky and see "our star" or when I drive past the beach where we used to sit in the dark as we held each other in silence. We shared many wonderful special moments. I know I shouldn't talk about them, cos they only make me feel worse now. But the truth is, it was a special time of my life and I think to deny that would be to hide from the truth and avoid facing the real issue.
Again like you, I went through an emotional roller coaster for nearly 3 years. XOM would be really sweet to me one minute and ignore me the next. I don't know if he was manipulating me, or if he was confused himself. I used to wonder, but it is no longer an issue and I have decided to let sleeping dogs lie. In the end, I realised it was just not worth going through all that pain and agony just so I could share another special moment with him. The pain far outweighs the happiness. I suppose it helped that I had tried so many times before to walk away but without success (so close though) so you could say I have had "practices".
My only advice to you is to concentrate on your own well-being, on what you want, and not how you want to punish him or how you want to hurt him. Does it really matter at the end of the day whether he is punished if the whole exercise doesn't leave you any better off? I have also learnt that you cannot walk away from a relationship if the reason you're walking away is because you want to hurt him, to make him miss you. You have to walk away because YOU want to walk away, because you want a better life for yourself, because you deserve more than what you're getting out of him, because you know there is a better life out there without him and without all these pain. And Pray. Pray for wisdom so you'll know what to do, pray for the will to do what you know you have to do, and pray for the strength to follow through.
I am far from out of the woods, but I am beginning to see the light at the end of the lush forest... it's dim, but I least I see it. I am sure I'll find my way out eventually, with time. You will too. Be strong.
I really do admire your courage. And i really like your advice. I do agree that I should concentrate on what I want to happen. But everything is still so vague to me. I really dont know where to start. All, i do is go with the flow.
Oh well, im sure, one day, i'll have the courage to write in this board and tell you all that im A free. But as of now, i'll hang around to learn from all of you.
Keep it up! And thanks again. If you needed someone to talk to, you can always send me messages. Im not sure if i can help but im always willing to listen.
Have a nice day!