I need your help

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
I need your help
10
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 4:08pm

Hi everyone,
I am new to this board, well... Not quite new, I have been reading this board for a while now. My story is very similar to others, Vive been in an A off and on for about 3 years. We are both M. I have tried to break it off 3 or 4 times, last break lasted for about 7 months. During the 7 months he kept trying to get me back into the A, and just when I almost reached indifference I made a huge mistake and met him for drinks. I really naively thought that I could be strong, have a few drinks, catch up and be fine. It didn't work out this way, we were back in the A. It was different this time, he treated me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2011
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 4:34pm

WOW!!! Every story I read here or in the past, they are all so similar.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 4:47pm

Welcome wandergirl

Well I guess you know what to do if you have been lurking and reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 5:03pm
Wander, welcome to EAS!!! You're in the right place. You can stop this. You can move on to better things. And you can get your life back.

The tweeners and vets here are wonderful, and will give you some great advice. Read as much as you can in the healing library (the affair contract which is near the top if the page is a must read) and post often.

You are not crazy for wanting to contact his W. Two weeks ago I was obsessed with wanting to contact my x's W, but I knew that I was too upset and angry and emotional to make a decision like that which could never ever be undone and could tear a family apart. So I forced myself to wait, 24 hrs, 48hrs, and eventually the feeling passed. I know it seems grossly unfair that your M feels like a mess and your life feel like hell while his - from the outside - seems perfect. I felt like that too. Keep telling yourself two things. 1) You have no idea what is really happening in his life or M 2) His life doesn't matter. What matters is you.

Silence is dignified. Silence is heard.

Smiles, sunshine, hugs and hope,

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 5:40pm
wandergirl - welcome and I'm sorry you are going through such pain. Yes, as 'luvmy3dogs' wrote, your words and emotions and anger are SO familiar, it is frightening. But, in some ways, the familiarity is somehow comforting for me, because I'm assured that I was not the only one who got sucked into this A mess.

I am in a stage of my grieving/healing process of going back and forth between feeling anger and acceptance/forgiveness. I may be there for a while because although I am 3 weeks out and feeling really good for the most part, i still spend WAY too much time thinking about my xAP - who, by the way, is back with his GF (we all work together) and is as happy as a clam.

I love my EAS community, but am also resentful that I am here while he is seemingly carefree and happy and the angry part of me wants to take that away from him and punish him. LOL.

When his GF found out about us (he was seeing both of us, I knew, but she didnt) she told him that she thought about going to my house. I thought "What a CRAZY BITCH!!"

But, now after wearing her shoes, crazy thoughts like that went through my head, too. (I passed by her desk when she wasn't there and for a brief moment thought of vandalizing it, or at least cutting up her sweater. LOL!!!!! I can't believe I actually thought those things!

If you follow the guidelines here, namely NC (of ANY kind) and read the HL voraciously, I promise you, you will get out of this. But, you really, really MUST WANT TO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 02-19-2011 - 7:43am

Hey W_G,

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Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2010
Sat, 02-19-2011 - 10:35am

You are not crazy, just caught in the paralyzing trap of the A. I am now 14 hours out of my A and still am in shock and drowning in grief.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 10:28am

Thanks everyone for your responses, I feel so much better! I am not going to contact his W, but I really needed someone to tell me why this is such a stupid thing to do. I am just so angry that I was repeatedly used, that I keep thinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 10:42am

Hi Wandergirl and welcome to EAS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 11:25am

Hi wander_girl,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 12:12pm

<>

Then stop it, Wander. No one is making you go to her page. You are chosing to go there.

Cheating men lie. I know, I know. A big "duh" moment, huh? He led you to believe his M was lousy in order to keep you on the hook. Why wouldn't he? He was getting his ego stroked, likely getting great BJs, and--who knows--perhaps he even enjoyed your company when you weren't having sex. But really? What does it matter? You are no longer some Married Man's sex toy and play thing. You are--and always have been--worth way more than that.

Go to the Healing Library and read about the anger. It is a phase and it, too, will pass. I am happy for you that you have chosen to remove yourself from this toxic situation. I am also glad you realize that contacting his W would not make you feel any better.

Keep reading and posting...

~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.