I need your help please

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
I need your help please
2
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 5:36am
Hi, can anyone please tell me through their experience how I find the strength to get my OM out of my system?

I am living with someone who is a great guy. A few months ago I for whatever reason, wanted more. I didn't go out looking for anyone, but went out partying all the time. To cut a long story short, I ended up sleeping with someone who I found out afterwards is a MM. We have been having a long distance affair ever since. We don't see eachother very often, but when we do it's like nothing on earth. I spent quite a bit of a time with him recently. We leave eachother not knowing when we will see eachother again, but communicate on a daily basis. The pain I am going through is unbearable. I selfishly, did not consider his wife, until reading the different boards on here. I thought our affair at first was just casual sex, something I needed at the time. How wrong was that. Emotions flared high. This MM makes me feel so wanted when I am with him. Women say - think about all the things he says to me, he will be saying to his wife. I know this. I know he will be living his normal married life when with her. He tells me he thinks about me all the time - I believed him, I would still like to believe him, but I am now telling myself not to believe him. Since last seeing him, today, so far, is the only day I haven't sat and cried for him.

I am now trying my hardest to focus on my man at home and get the MM out of my thoughts. I can't though. It takes a phone call, an email, a text message and there I am yearning for him, desparetly wanting to be with him and feel like he makes me feel.

I feel it's destroying my life. I used to have control over my life but this is being drained because of the intensity of my feelings. How do you let go of something you would give anything to have, and yet something you know you shouldn't have, and probably will never get.

I go from feelings of elation when I am with him or when we communicate, to feelings of despair when we are not in communication.

I look at this MM and think he's incredible. He looks at me and tells me how amazing I am. I am being a fool, I know I am. He talks about how he can't wait for the next opportunity to see me and tells me how amazing I am. We don't talk about eachothers partners but from what he says and what he doesn't say I can see it hurts him too when we are apart, or at least it appears to.

I really don't know what to do, but I cannot carry on like this.

Can anyone please help?

Orchid

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:20am
Hiya Orchid,

Figure out what it is that is missing in YOU that has led you to make these choices.

You state your DP is a "great guy" so you can't blame the relationship or your DP. It's also safe to say that blaming our relationships is a pretty pointless exercise when you consider that without exception our relationships never go out & have affairs. Blaming our DP's for our choice to have an affair is also kinda pointless since few of them are able to force us to have affairs against our wishes.

You appear to be attempting to fill some void inside you, Orchid. Something's missing in me, so find some experience, some thing or even someone to fill it up, right?

Hate to tell you this but you really are the only person on the face of the planet that has the ability to fill it. I, too, had a void that I tried to fill via the quick-fix of slapping exOM against it like some kind of bandaid.

An affair is not even really a short-term fix since it doesn't actually fix anything, it simply distracts us and leads to further loss of self-esteem & worth since necessarily we must become liars, deceivers and cheats.

What need or needs do you perceive MM is fulfilling? Therein lays the key to your own void, Orchid.

Individual counselling helped me enormously in working out the components of my own particular void and for giving me the tools with which to begin filling it. I thoroughly recommend finding a therapist with whom you click/connect.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

"Just because you love someone does not mean you have to be with them; love is not a bandage to cover wounds." Hugh Elliott

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 10:34am
"communicate on a daily basis". You need to stop this daily communications your only feeding the monster that you have created and the more you feed it the stronger it gets until it destroys your life.

Time for a reality check, CHEATING MARRIED MEN are in no way great people or men, they are total liars, they lie to there wife to whom they vowed to be faithfull they lie to there family and friends and they LIE TO THE OTHER WOMAN to keep her coming back because they want the SEX AND POWER, he has it and your losing it, were do you think your personal power is going if not to him.

Time to address the issues inside of you and possibly in your relationship with B/F (the one your living with not the cheat). deal with them before this costs you everything.

Free