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I need your support!
| Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:37pm |
I have never posted anything before on the internet, and its hard to believe that this is the first. I am married, and have had a relationship with a MM for almost 3 years. I have no children, he has a 5 year old and a 2 year old. Things have been bad between us for awhile now (several months). We pretty much finalized the breakup yesterday with a huge heated fight. I know the relationship had to end, but I am feeling so much pain that I don't know what to do. I would do anything to talk to him right now. I am thinking of stupid things to call him about. Things that don't matter, but I want to hear his voice. I am married to a wonderful man who would do absolutely anything for me. I have no idea why I started this, and I feel terrible for doing so. I hope I am at the bottom now, because I can't stand the thought of feeling worse than I do. No one I know knows about the affair so I have no one to talk to. I guess I knew coming into this that when it ended, it was going to hurt, but I didn't expect it to hurt this much. I need someone, anyone, to tell me that I am doing the right thing. I know I can go and see him tonight if I wanted, whether he wants to see me or not I don't know...I don't want to give in. I need to make my marriage stronger. He would never leave his wife for me and I would never leave my husband....it has to end. Sound like I am still trying to convince myself?

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You came to the right place, you will get all kinds of support from the board. As for telling you what deicision is right for you, only you can decide that. I would advise you to think long and hard about what you want. When I started my A someone on the other board told me that when the bad outweighs the good it is time to end it. Sounds like you have hit that point.
I am assuming that your H doesn't know, so before you go any further and risk anymore, end it. Believe me when I tell you that it is for the best and as hard as it is you will survive. The decision has to be yours, but we are here for you, Good Luck.
DAF
Its going to take time for you to heal, and if you contact him, that will just delay the process. I know how much you hurt, but its been a month for me and already I feel SO much better. Yes, I miss the exMM, and in a weird way wonder how he's doing and whehter he and his W are back together (she found out, my H didn't).
The hardest part for me has been getting back to my old life. Things were so crazy for me emotionally about 2 weeks before exMM finally left, that now that that's gone I feel numb, in a way. But I have started therapy (which I recommend) and the therapist said I need time to mourn the breakup and move on. I am trying just to focus on MY future with my H. Yes we have issues, but I know now that I need to stay where I am, because I have something very wonderful. Not perfect, but that's not acheivable.
Yes, I miss the excitement, the sex, the intenseness of it...but it wasn't meant to be, and it was wrong to start with...so I know we did the right thing to end it.
I too have a H that loves me and treats me well and is a great father and yet I went out and had an A. There are many people here that are in the same situation, there is no simple answer as to why any of us did it, but you are the only one with the answer. I also thought if I was ever caught H would be gone, but surprise he isn't and he is willing to work on our M. Are you in any type of counseling? I start my IC the first week of October and I can't wait because I do feel isolated except for this board and I am hoping that with some intense work on me, I can be happy with H.
My guess why you didn't have all of those negative feelings while you were in the R is because you were happy and you were selfish. Maybe your having these feelings now because you know there isn't any going back, this is truly the end. Maybe it is because he ended it this time and took your control away (we all like to be in control).
I won't lie the pain just plain sucks but everyone tells me it will get easier. I have been at NC for 12 days and counting. I won't break NC as much as I want to because that would be going backwards. Believe it when they tell you that NC is the only way, no doors open, no option to walk back into the A. Go for a walk or workout and decide what it is you truly want. When push came to shove I wasn't willing to give up H or our family.
Don't worry about making sense we have all been there before, post often, read even more, check the archives, you will find all the support and advice you need here.
DAF
I've made it over 24 hours.....surely the next 50 years won't be this bad.
Look for the thread on "fantasy vs. reality" - it is GOOD! Especially about the sex! It was from earlier this month. I forgot when!
It is so hard - I'm going through it now. I have waivered so much and sometimes have changed my mind hourly on whether I was ready to let this be the end or not. I always come here and read - no matter what! Even if he does contact you and you do see him - keep coming here and reading. I have found unmeasurable support here and come here so often - as often as I can without my husband seeing or with out little eyes peering over my shoulder.
Take care!
-lazy
It is so amazing to me how many of us are going through the same thing. I thought I was the only one. This board has helped me alot in the past week. Since I have no one to talk to about my situation I have turned to this board and it has helped me alot.
You said u would not leave your H, or neither would he leave his W. My affair ended with that same exact phrase. There is no reward at the end of the tunnel, it is what it is, thats what my OM told me and it hurt like crazy, Then he asked me if I would risk things with my H for him and reality is NO, I told him no, he was not worth loosing everything I accomplished in 17 years. I really did not want things to end, but I knew they had too.Not a day has gone by that I dont think of him, It's only been 11 days and it feels like an eternity because he was a big part of my everyday. I feel I lost a good person in my life, but I know that a bigger reward is coming, I am going to work on my marriage and start a new in my life. I hope u can do the same.
Good Luck,
Thoughts and prayers are with u......
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