I need your support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
I need your support!
11
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:37pm
I have never posted anything before on the internet, and its hard to believe that this is the first. I am married, and have had a relationship with a MM for almost 3 years. I have no children, he has a 5 year old and a 2 year old. Things have been bad between us for awhile now (several months). We pretty much finalized the breakup yesterday with a huge heated fight. I know the relationship had to end, but I am feeling so much pain that I don't know what to do. I would do anything to talk to him right now. I am thinking of stupid things to call him about. Things that don't matter, but I want to hear his voice. I am married to a wonderful man who would do absolutely anything for me. I have no idea why I started this, and I feel terrible for doing so. I hope I am at the bottom now, because I can't stand the thought of feeling worse than I do. No one I know knows about the affair so I have no one to talk to. I guess I knew coming into this that when it ended, it was going to hurt, but I didn't expect it to hurt this much. I need someone, anyone, to tell me that I am doing the right thing. I know I can go and see him tonight if I wanted, whether he wants to see me or not I don't know...I don't want to give in. I need to make my marriage stronger. He would never leave his wife for me and I would never leave my husband....it has to end. Sound like I am still trying to convince myself?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:48pm
Frisco,

You came to the right place, you will get all kinds of support from the board. As for telling you what deicision is right for you, only you can decide that. I would advise you to think long and hard about what you want. When I started my A someone on the other board told me that when the bad outweighs the good it is time to end it. Sounds like you have hit that point.

I am assuming that your H doesn't know, so before you go any further and risk anymore, end it. Believe me when I tell you that it is for the best and as hard as it is you will survive. The decision has to be yours, but we are here for you, Good Luck.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:58pm
thanks for the reply. No my husband doesn't know. He would leave me in a second if he did. I am starting to think I deserve that. Many of my friends aren't married and have been looking for a long time. I have a husband that loves me and treats me well, and I still can't be satisfied. I feel like such a liar and a terrible person. Why didn't I feel the shame and guilt when I was in the relationship? Why did ending it finally make me see what I could have lost? The strange part is that even though I know what I could have lost, I haven't obviously learned my lesson because I want to contact MM. I feel like I am losing my mind. So many things about MM bothered me when we were together, I even ended it before and felt ok about it because I didn't have to see his wife or kids and know that they were his family and I wasn't in it. (we live in a really small town and unfortunately his mother in law lives right down the road so I saw her and the boys all the time). But he called, and I went back....now, he ended it and I want him back?!? What has changed other than the fact that he isn't fighting for me now? all the pain is still there! I am sorry if this doesn't make sense. I am typing as fast as I can because I am realizing there are other people out there that are going through the same thing I am and I need to let it out I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 4:20pm
My advice...end it. And don't second-guess yourself.

Its going to take time for you to heal, and if you contact him, that will just delay the process. I know how much you hurt, but its been a month for me and already I feel SO much better. Yes, I miss the exMM, and in a weird way wonder how he's doing and whehter he and his W are back together (she found out, my H didn't).

The hardest part for me has been getting back to my old life. Things were so crazy for me emotionally about 2 weeks before exMM finally left, that now that that's gone I feel numb, in a way. But I have started therapy (which I recommend) and the therapist said I need time to mourn the breakup and move on. I am trying just to focus on MY future with my H. Yes we have issues, but I know now that I need to stay where I am, because I have something very wonderful. Not perfect, but that's not acheivable.

Yes, I miss the excitement, the sex, the intenseness of it...but it wasn't meant to be, and it was wrong to start with...so I know we did the right thing to end it.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 4:21pm
Frisco,

I too have a H that loves me and treats me well and is a great father and yet I went out and had an A. There are many people here that are in the same situation, there is no simple answer as to why any of us did it, but you are the only one with the answer. I also thought if I was ever caught H would be gone, but surprise he isn't and he is willing to work on our M. Are you in any type of counseling? I start my IC the first week of October and I can't wait because I do feel isolated except for this board and I am hoping that with some intense work on me, I can be happy with H.

My guess why you didn't have all of those negative feelings while you were in the R is because you were happy and you were selfish. Maybe your having these feelings now because you know there isn't any going back, this is truly the end. Maybe it is because he ended it this time and took your control away (we all like to be in control).

I won't lie the pain just plain sucks but everyone tells me it will get easier. I have been at NC for 12 days and counting. I won't break NC as much as I want to because that would be going backwards. Believe it when they tell you that NC is the only way, no doors open, no option to walk back into the A. Go for a walk or workout and decide what it is you truly want. When push came to shove I wasn't willing to give up H or our family.

Don't worry about making sense we have all been there before, post often, read even more, check the archives, you will find all the support and advice you need here.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 8:33am
Thanks for your replies. I can't tell you how nice it is to hear that I am not alone. Its odd to me that I can be ok with things and feel so strong one minute and within the next hour, my emotions change 2 or 3 times and I am sad and angry and I feel lost. I know that I can't have contact with him. I know that it needs to be over BUT I am having trouble concentrating on the things that used to bug me so much about him and not the way he made me feel and the way I felt when I kissed him or we had sex - why can't you have sex like that with your H?!? How do you go back to being with just your husband and being satisfied with the same old same old you've had for 10+ years when you have experienced explosive wonderful sex? I question whether it was that good, or if I am making it more than it was in my head.....no, I think it was that good.

I've made it over 24 hours.....surely the next 50 years won't be this bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 8:47am
Frisco,

Look for the thread on "fantasy vs. reality" - it is GOOD! Especially about the sex! It was from earlier this month. I forgot when!

It is so hard - I'm going through it now. I have waivered so much and sometimes have changed my mind hourly on whether I was ready to let this be the end or not. I always come here and read - no matter what! Even if he does contact you and you do see him - keep coming here and reading. I have found unmeasurable support here and come here so often - as often as I can without my husband seeing or with out little eyes peering over my shoulder.

Take care!

-lazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 9:03am
Frisco-You ARE doing the right thing-you know you are. You don't have a future with your OM. I have a great husband too and I never could understand why I got into my A. and jeopardized everything. Be true posted an article from Psychology Today on why people have affairs. Read it-it's really good. I realize now that while my H. is a great guy, out marraige has never been very good so I tried to use someone else to get the things I was missing. The break-up is very painful and I've broken the NC a few times already and each time I did, I felt I set myself back even more, so try to stick with it. I read all of the posts here, it makes me feel so much better and I try to keep reminding myself that it wont always feel this bad and one day I'll be really happy that it ended.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 9:05am
Hi Frisco,

It is so amazing to me how many of us are going through the same thing. I thought I was the only one. This board has helped me alot in the past week. Since I have no one to talk to about my situation I have turned to this board and it has helped me alot.

You said u would not leave your H, or neither would he leave his W. My affair ended with that same exact phrase. There is no reward at the end of the tunnel, it is what it is, thats what my OM told me and it hurt like crazy, Then he asked me if I would risk things with my H for him and reality is NO, I told him no, he was not worth loosing everything I accomplished in 17 years. I really did not want things to end, but I knew they had too.Not a day has gone by that I dont think of him, It's only been 11 days and it feels like an eternity because he was a big part of my everyday. I feel I lost a good person in my life, but I know that a bigger reward is coming, I am going to work on my marriage and start a new in my life. I hope u can do the same.

Good Luck,

Thoughts and prayers are with u......

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 9:59am
I've never posted here, just lurked. Your letter sounded similar to me. I've been married for 20+ years, two kids and a good husband. OM has been living with SO for 17+ years. A for almost 3 years. Small community- his business and family in same. Bad break up and things were said and done that I know realize how stupid I was was ever starting this A. But, for some reason I still miss him - he has a part of my heart/soul I can't seem to get back, yet, but I'm going to make it one day. NC for 3 months yesterday. I know there is no future with him and my husband/family deserves better. Anyway, just a little to let you know others feel the same. I'm still convincing myself it over and how to get over the empty feeling each time I see him or his family. I have basically cut out contact with his family and this has helped. NC is the way. When I want to talk with him I try to remember my husband and how things could blow up for us/our kids/community. It's all so connected. You can do it and I hope each day gets easiler for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 10:26am
thanks for all of your replies. I just had to run an errand for the office and I saw him. He's a police officer in our town and of course I had to run into him. I pretended to be playing with my hair in the mirror when I saw the police car. I glanced over and just went on my way. My heart sank into my stomach. I was hoping that he would call my cell phone, but he didn't. I know its for the best, but I keep losing sight of that fact. I read the post fantasy v. reality. It really hit home. I am going to go now and read it again to remind myself of the way things really are...wow this is hard.

Pages