i need your support please
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| Fri, 12-11-2009 - 12:54am |
Hello,
I have just recently joined this board and haven't stopped reading since. I now find myself in the (un)fortunate position of needing to call on some support. I initiated no contact on Monday after a brutal conversation wherein i got to hear about all the reasons why we couldn't be regular lovers, but only part-time. This after about 6 months of regular 'loving'. Meanwhile, my partnership separated, no thanks to him (too many stories there) ... but the best is when he announced, while drunk that he was sorry for sleeping with me at a bbq at my house to my partner. Now my partner already knew about the relationship, but this was horrific. I should have stood by my partner and realized what an incredible jerk he was.
Well, anyway, I had had no contact between Monday until today. This is a huge deal as we share an office (I stayed home), see eachother daily-all day, and email before bed at least once.
So, I sabotaged myself for sure ... it's a pattern. I had been feeling strong, the best I have felt actually the whole relationship. Then I allowed him to find me on-line. Minutes in I ended it ... not wanting any new hurt. Then tonight, he sent me an email stoned. It was more of the same: we can't be primary lovers, but can part-time, can't live without me, we need to work something out to be better than we have ever been. It is a complicated situation. We are co-researchers and co-authors ... so he is inescapable. I really really don't believe he understands how horrible he is treating me, how insensitive. I never once asked him to leave his partner, I wouldn't be with him if he did. I have come to resent him for the lying he does to her, the way he makes her feel, the crazy he makes us both --- thus the ending of it. I guess it is the entitlement that drives me crazy. The demands and requests on me. I feel like 'man i let me partner move out so as to continue with you' and my partner is such an incredible man, that he continues to carry this secret with us, and is working hard to support me in ending this ... regardless of the outcome for us.
So, full-circle back to the reason for this post. I need to hear the words written to me. I need the collective strength of your words and wisdom. I need tough-love. I don't feel sorry for myself, not even close. I am grateful for the clarity I do have and the perspective I have gained even in a short period of time. I struggle though with the feelings of 'how could someone ask that of me' ... and then i go back to 'of course, we teach people how to treat us' and the honest truth is, i am so much smarter than him, and he'll be screwed academically without my collaboration. I think this is what he is most anxious about.
I also think I was a bandage on their relationship. Helped what was missing to be less problematic. We enable so much.
Well ... i should try to get some sleep. Thanks for reading.
J.

LC is the hardest to end an A and you really are doing a great job Jodi. This is really CL-Iddy's area of expertise but I know she is not a night owl but will respond to your post probably tomorrow morning.
<<'how could someone ask that of me' ... and then i go back to 'of course, we teach people how to treat us' >>
Very true. In the past we gave our xAP's the idea that we were their ear and shoulder to cry on. So it's understandable they think we care how they "feel". They don't realize that we have progressed past that.
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No doubt you are and this will help you see his feeble fishing attempts as panicked grasps at straws.
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This should be a staple here on EAS. We did enable so much not only in xAP but in our thinking and actions.
Stay the course. One thing that I remember from Iddy's old posts that I repeat here so much is "The one that reacts the least holds the most power."
Hold on to
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Are you in the position to find someone else to co-author with what you are doing? LC sucks :( I am in it too.
Hugs
htgo
Jodi,
I'm sorry I didn't see your post sooner as I am about to head out the door and pick up my granddaughter. Anyway, I work with my Xmm too, and our A has been over for 5 years. That first year was a toughie, but I set boundaries I never allowed him to step over again, even though he, like all Xmm's know how to cross them sideways so as not to be immediately detected. ;-)
~Iddy~