I never thought I'd be back here again.
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| Wed, 03-02-2005 - 9:54am |
Yesterday was 2 months to the day. Exactly. MM turned his back on me on January 1st. Happy New Year. I was so alone and sad and devastated and betrayed. How could he just turn his back on me and not even make eye contact? His W had found out about us and I found out the hard way that he wasn't strong enough to leave her. Or that he never really intended to in the first place. I was hurting and it didn't seem that he was affected at all. So I made a decision that if he ever really cared about me he would have made some effort to contact me. He didn't. I moved on.
Or so I thought. Yesterday he actually spoke to me. Not in any kind of friendly manner or anything. Just about work. And barely 3 words. The day before I had actually said something under my breath that I don't think he liked much. I know he heard me because I saw him out of the corner of my eye looking at me. I had complained about him putting some product that I needed in a certain place instead of bringing it where I was. He knew it was mine. So yesterday I was standing with a couple women where it was warmer and waiting for our product and when mine came out he actually told me it was there. And then while I was carrying it to my vehicle, he stacked it neatly where I could get to it. And not in the farthest spot away from him....right next to where he was standing. He then spoke again to tell me it was there. I just said thank you and went about my business. (I did not make any eye contact) I also noticed him watching me while I loaded my product into the vehicle. That is the first words I have spoken to him and vice versa in 2 months. It seems so much longer than that.
Why am I here now??? Because as strong as I thought I was and as over him as I thought I was....I did a secret happy dance inside that he had spoken to me. How pathetic is that?? I know it will never go beyond a working relationship again. I don't know how we could ever be the friends we once were. And I can't allow myself to be drawn into anything else either. He hurt me so bad by cutting me off completely like that when he knew he was my whole support system. I feel so........weak! Help! My head is telling me that this whole thing is bad news and I know that. But for some reason I am starting to feel that little worm of hope trying to get hold of me again.
I have not been pining away for him! I have not been feeling so alone lately. I have been feeling strong and maybe a little angry still.
Help!!! Is he going to try and work his way back into my head? I need to be strong!
And yet, if I was going to be completely honest with myself, I would have to admit that a part of me still misses and wants what we had. Now what?

I'm not at all sure my face is going to fit around here but Id says to give it a whirl so here goes. I had a sex only affair with no real emotional attachment to now xMM apart from some familiarity really. Comfortable habit for 8 years which became increasingly uncomfortable so I ended it yesterday. I slept well. The sky didn't fall. The world didn't end. The sun came up just like it always does.
For months Ive been reading about these so called love A's all over the boards but I simply don't get them. They simply dont seem to make anyone happy in anything but the very short term. If anything they seem to bring deep pain for precious little return. Pain is the body's way of saying "don't DO that!"
I'm not being mean or anything but if you got your hands burnt the first and in some cases second third and fourth times, why oh why would you even briefly think about going there one more time?
From what youve said, there's really nothing left to see here, folks, unless you want some more pain I guess. Change jobs.
Perhaps just try to look at it as simply breaking the tension you have between you, and let it be just that. It's difficult to work with someone you feel you can't even speak to or look at, so maybe that was all you need to continue in the forward motion you were in.
NEVER lose sight of how he treated you by turning his back on you without so much as an explanation. That's unforgivable in my opinion.
Hold strong, you'll be happier with yourself for it.
hi storm,
i know how u feel, i know some of us feel like we still have hope thus we cannot move on, me i think i will still have hope until i die
i dont know what the heck im doing at all, i know having an affair is not healthy but we do it for a reason, sometimes we dont even know why we do it, only those who experience it will probably understand, some people move on right away , some dont
some situation is harder than other , especially if u work with the other person, i dont know, each of us deal with it differently
its a struggle for most of us everyday, i have no words of wisdom for u, just wanna let u know that i feel the same way too, same pain, confision, anger, all kinds of terrible emotions , some days are good , some days are ok, but never realy good
i wonder too why we go into this affairs, someone wrote in another post that we spend more time miserable than happy when we are on the affair, and for some reason we still want it, its crazy ha !!!
take care ,
max
Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. While each of your replies was different, they all made alot of sense.
Perhaps it just hasn't been long enough. It is much easier to be strong when the other person won't look at you or speak to you. But if they start showing an interest again, that is when you are really tested.
As far as changing jobs...not an option.
Hurtpup, I agree with you about breaking the tension. It has been uncomfortable making such an effort to not speak and to keep my eyes from roaming too close to where he is. I have maintained a certain level of anger/resentment over his treatment of me. As much to help myself not feel the pain and sadness as to show him I didn't care. I would very much like to at least have a civil working relationship again as it would make things more comfortable. But I fear that letting my guard down that much would inevitably lead me back down the same path that brought me where I am today. I want to think I am stronger and smarter than that. And I guess I'll never know till I try.
I think for now I will just be aloof and distant and strictly polite/businesslike. I need more time.
Riv-
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I intended for my A to be like you describe yours. Key word being..INTENDED! I don't think many of us here were looking to fall in love or care deeply for the AP. Somethings just happen!
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I ponder that question all the time. But the Why's only keep me stuck. For now, it happened and I was a fool! Hope I learn enough never to let it happen again.
Thanks for your food for thought. All opinions are worthy of a read. Your face will fit in just fine!
SS