I quit, I couldnt take it.
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| Sun, 01-17-2010 - 12:30am |
So, I was trying to hold out till May and then resign. But, I was getting sick. I didnt feel well. I was just obsessed over whether he was bringing his wife to my meeting sna involving her, intentionally, in my life ... knowing I am trying to get over us not being together anymore.
It was just too much and I could jsut see it going downhill. whether he is doing it intentionally or not, doesnt matter. He doesnt care either way and it was just too much pressure to have to pretend and subject myself to the salt he was putting in my already open wounds.
So, today i saw him and I wanted to talk to him about how i would appreciate him not interjecting his wife into situations where we would be working closely together and how I didnt appreciate his callousness.
I asked him quietly could we meet to talk and he said how important is it and i said on a scale 20. He immediately said, "Are you pregnant" I was shocked and I said I am not going to discuss this here. He said then its a yes. I said no, its not but i havent gotten it. he then said it is very hard for me to get away at this time and basically left. other people were coming around, but our topic was so vague that no one would have noticed.
i was furious. i just thought, if i am, which i am almost positive i am not, but if i were, he def. just showed his colors and how he would treat me and the situation if I were.
I went home and respectivly resigned, effective after the end of our two major end of year events. i feel sad about it, but i also feel good about it. i feel like i soooo failed and the realization of the effects of my mistake are good learning lessons for me.
I did think about hte consequences, and that i could have handled. What i didnt anticipate was him dangling her in my face before 72 hrs had even passed. I didnt anticipate his thoughtlessness in regards to my feelings.
The other thing that a friend brought up is maybe its her. maybe she is interjecting herself in it. if that is true, then that means she is suspicious. And, i know that if she is suspicious, i would be the first person to observe. So, that is not good because who knows what she might say or do that would cause me to have a not so normal reaction, and then we are found out.
eventually, she will know. what goes on in the dark ALWAYS comes to light. I know this. That being said, if and when it is to come out, i dont want to be spear heading this committee and have my business out on the streets. I also dont want to be around her AND him for it may be obvious to her and she may put it all together, therefore exposing our affair.
Plus, I can begin to heal. I have decided that I will NOT talk to him. His event is over in two weeks and all preliminary stuff has been done. My only contact with him will be in person with everyone else around at the scheduled events. and, if he does come talk to me, I am so pissed that Ive decided NOT to discuss ANYTHING with him. AT ALL.
He is probably wondering if I am pregnatn but my feelings are that 1. he didnt have to talk to me like that (or dismiss me) 2. he obviously didnt feele the need to talk to me so why talk now.
He will wonder if I am pregnant, but I am sure when he sees my belly is not getting bigger, he will know then. I REFUSE to talk to him and give him peace of mind when it is convenient for him. If I am pregnant, I have no intention of telling him. I will not be treated like some one night stand whore. I have enough to be fine without him. And, I couldnt do that to her. Luckily, I wont really have to see him come end Feb. But,I am sure the stress is what is making my period late.
Anyway, good lessons learned today. Good lessons. But, I quit. I cant believe it. I did it for me and my sanity. I know I made the right decision in the end, though I am a bit sad now ...

AAE,
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You'll get past the sadness, honey. What's most important is that you are putting yourself and peace of mind first and that's huge. I am very proud of you. Nothing and no one
~Iddy~