I really AM improving!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
I really AM improving!
3
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 1:34pm

Yesterday, I'm driving on my lunch break (which was the main time we would see each other), and I saw what could have been XMM's car in the parking lot of a diner. Parked next to it was another car, that I believe could have been a woman he works with, with whom he and his W has a friendship with. Now I always hated the idea he worked with a woman who was a close friend of, and had always worried there was more to it..there were also times where I'd accuse him of spending time with his "friend" when there were times he said he couldn't meet me for lunch. Of course I was told I was wrong, blah, blah, blah..

Anyway, the only way I could have known for sure if it was them, was to drive into the parking lot of the diner, and check the cars more closely. BUT..I DIDN'T!

Oh, of course I was curious, but I didn't do it for 2 reasons.

1) For the first time since I've known him and known about this friendship he had with his female co-worker, I DIDN'T EVEN CARE IF HE WAS WITH HER OR NOT! :) Not my boyfriend anymore, not my problem!

2) This was one of the reasons I chose to end the A in the first place. Suspicions I have about certain women in his life, his flirtatous yet subtle ways he behaves when around a woman he finds attractive, and the agony it caused me as a result of my fears/jealousy.

When I used to keep trying my hand at ending the A, only to keep going back to him after he pleaded his case, part of the reason for not wanting to let him go completely was because I was afraid of him moving on to someone else. But, I cannot tell you how great it feels to not come back to work yesterday steaming with anger, suspicion, jealousy, and resentment after seeing what I believed was him and her having lunch together. When I start missing him, I remind myself of times like this when I am so much more at ease without him as a boyfriend. I realized that my fear of letting him go, perhaps into someone elses arms, isn't effecting me like I believed it would. I think it's because the time is right to let him go. I guess I wasn't really ready before, but my lack of reaction of seeing his car made me REALLY see that this was the right thing to do for my own sanity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 2:45pm

Pup - You go girl!! Doesn't it feel good? You should pat yourself on the back and treat yourself to some really good wine tonight ;)

I had a similar experience last week. I usually drive by his apartment on my way home from various outings (even if it is out of my way.) Well, last time I didn't - I took the most direct route. Woohoo.

I have to say that part of my decision yesterday (see "a breakthrough") had a lot to do with the support I have received on this board. It's amazing how much it really helps to connect with people going through the same thing.

I still have a LOT of work to do, and I don't know what will ultimately happen, but at least I am doing something I can feel good about for a change!

<>

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 10:59pm

Pup,
That is great!!! That really took some strength, keep it up, you are an inspiration!!

I would like to think that I am improving too. I caught him driving down my street one day. There is no reason he would be on my street other than to drive past my house. My street is not a main road. I drove right past him. Didn't even stop the car! Ok, so I called real quick to see what he was doing on my street, but I didn't stop my car. That has to count for something, right?

Keep up the good work girls!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 9:41am

namaste and unhappy, thanks for the support :)

I agree when it comes to the support of this board. I really believe that it's given me at least half of the strength I've mustered this far to be able to say no to his invitation to lunch 2 weeks ago, and to drive past what I believed to be his car without feeling the need to go check.

I think my situation has been different than many women on this board, in that I didn't end it because of broken promises, etc. What I'm trying to accomplish by ending my A was to stop my constant worry and anxiety that he was causing me. I was becoming extremely jealous and suspicious (mostly attributed to his personality traits) and those feelings were ripping me apart. They were consuming me and making me behave in ways I wasn't proud of. I told him that although I'll always care about HIM, I needed to get to a place where what he DOES no longer concerns me. And the only way I could do that was to distance myself from him.

So not driving into that parking lot was a MAJOR improvement for me. If it had been 6 months ago, I would have driven into the lot, and once it was confirmed it was him, I would have been stressing about it all day, then I would have called him later and flipped out on him. Who the hell needs that?! I have enough stress in my everyday life, he was supposed to be my escape, my pleasure, but it was turning into nothing but gut wrenching anxiety.