I really need some help !!
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|Tue, 04-01-2003 - 4:08pm|
I have a friend that recently revealed that he routinely has affairs on his wife. Hearing the glorifying tales of his adventures, and being somewhat "comfortable" in my relationship of 10 years with my spouse decided to go on an adventure myself.
Placing no blame on my friend. I only blame myself for stepping over the line. I am a police officer and it is very easy for officers to stray with the job that we have. Always being the "ray of light" for the damsel in distress and always seeing the "opportunity" to take advantage of their domestic unhappiness. I came to be attracted to one particular woman and her unfortunate domestic experience inside an abusive even unfaithful marriage. I was able to soothe and comfort her and something inside me was raging for renewal - the sense of passion, secrecy, newness - call it whatever you want; I picked up my cell phone one evening about 3 weeks later. Drugged up my field notes and found her name and phone number. I dialed the number 4 times but never hit send.... Knowing what I was thinking was WRONG! But my urges overcame my logic. I pressed send.... She answered. I introduced myself and she remembered me vividly. Even calling me by name.
She explained that her husband had left and their two daughters (teenagers) were living at home with her. We had small talk the first time. I told her that I was fond of her and if there was anything I could ever do to call me. One call leads to another to another to a dinner date to a secret lunch to an opportunity for a romantic interlude. I found the first experience both erotic, yet frightening. Having 2 small children of my own and a wife and felt the guilt that comes with such infidelity.
Several days had gone by and I could not get her out of my mind. I "needed" to get another fix. She was like a drug to me. She knew that I was married yet we both needed something and with reckless abandon had unbelievable sex.
This story was 3 years ago and I continue to have affairs with her, all with equal passion that never seems to go away. I have seen a myriad of emotions in my own relationship with my wife – and I have seen my lover go through emotions of knowing that we can never be a couple.
I have been able to keep this alternate life a complete secret while I know my wife must have suspicions but has never even indicated she knows. Yes, we have had our marital problems (it seems most that our problems were when I was deeply involved with my lover) but as I try to get out of this relationship and seek help, I found myself slowly withdrawing from my lover but just one “fix” draws me back to her. We both know this is wrong and it can go absolutely nowhere. I love my children so much and grew up in a single parent family and understand the importance of having both parents in my children's life.
I can't leave - I still love my wife but I have a serious problem weaning from my relationship. I have a high profile lifestyle (in the press and media now) that makes the ability for me to hide this relationship in a small community difficult and I know that we will be discovered. I need help. How do I tell my lover (that is equally if not more in love with me) that this has to end, and how do I curb my inhibitions and sexual urges to be with her? This has brought intensive disorder to my life and I cannot even begin to say how this could be my ultimate undoing. I don't know how my friend even keeps these relationships so "simple". Perhaps they aren’t and he is not telling me. Or should I have looked for that "One Time" affair and let it be at that –
I found someone that in another life would have been very happy with. The other problem - she is 15 years older than me.. I'm 34 and she is 49. She is so vivacious, sexy and alluring - all of the things that my wife I guess used to be to me before she had children. I want this life with my wife again but I don’t know what to do.
I just want my life back. Having an affair was the worst thing I have ever done in my life, I’m so ashamed and I just don’t know what to do.