I really need you guys

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
I really need you guys
7
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 4:37pm

I really need help today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 5:00pm

jap_lostinlove

We are all here together, floating (and sometimes almost sinking!) in the same boat. We know what you are going through...we really do! The pain you are feeling is something that no one else could ever ever understand unless they've experienced it.

I am only 3+ weeks NC but I can absolutely assure you that things will get better. Your feelings will change. You will NOT feel like this forever, as much as it feels like you will. But right now, you have to DIG DEEP, dig the deepest you ever have before. Tell yourself "I CAN DO THIS"...take 3 or 4 slow deep breaths, and try to start something that will make you think about something else, even for a few minutes. I wouldn't recommend the note you've put on your computer, that will just reiterate the feelings you are dealing with. Instead, replace it with a note saying "I CAN DO THIS!!" Try to tell yourself that this is the best thing for you long term, that you will get through it and will find peace and dignity within yourself.

Right now, what xAP is thinking or feeling cannot be at all relevant to you. What's important is what you are thinking and feeling, and how you are dealing with that. He will do what he has to do. He will deal with his stuff in his own way, and you need to try and not think about that. You need to spend some time working on dealing with RL today, tomorrow and the next day...yes it's pure 'survival mode' and I know exactly what it feels like (although my husband knows all details so I haven't had the added pressure of dealing with it alone). But that 'survival mode' begins subsiding second by second, minute by minute to be very slowly replaced with occasional 'inner strength' that gives you a glimmer of hope. And then you can begin working on why you feel the way you do, and why you had the A in the first place. Have you been able to organise IC?? I can highly recommend it, it's been my weekly 'lifeline' that gives me clarity, skills and strategies to get through the pain and grief. And you will be dealing with the grief for a little while (will depend on how much work you do) which is completely normal. Your xAP has done you a huge favour here, as hard as it is to see it. He's given you an opportunity to regain your integrity, your self respect and your dignity. An opportunity to reconnect with your H, and be the person you know you want to be.

Take care jap_lostinlove, thinking of you and giving you strength xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 5:02pm
He can walk away from 2 years of living a life of deceit and dishonesty because he has decided to do the right thing and commit to his family. He made a commitment before he met you and what he did with you was wrong. You have to realize in his RL there is a woman who is asking him to stop lying to her and probably begging him to live up to the commitment he made to her and his family. Stop focusing on how you need him and realize that he is trying to do the right thing. It's time for you to stop the negative thinking and self talk and try this. Write down on a piece of paper that I am wonderful, honest, lovable and committed to my family. I feel good about myself because I am no longer destroying my M and helping to destroy someone else's M. I am worthy of true love that is not hidden. Keep repeating mantras like that and stop thinking about the negative self talk that you have been telling yourself. How long did you expect to hide out and live a secret lifestyle while being M. Every A runs its course and yours has run its course. If your XMM is focusing on his M and family he has decided to step out of the fantasy world that the two of you were in and deal with his RL and real M and family. You know, the one person he said "I do" to and the little ones he helped to create. The only way to get over a fantasy is to deal with what is real and what is real is that there is another woman in his RL who loves him for real. Who wants him in her life because they have made a promise in RL to each other. Keep repeating to yourself that it doesn't matter whether he is hurting because he can't play with you anymore. It doesn't matter. What matters now is that he alwayse belonged to another woman and you belong to another man and what the two of you had was wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 5:20pm
Thanks everyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 5:48pm
Well then think that this is the pain your husband would feel if he found out...He would ask how could you do this to him after all the yrs together?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 5:52pm
I don't think that was necessary.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 5:58pm

Whoa. hey! yah, no.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 9:10pm

Hi Jap..


Wish it was easier for you.. and knowing this is where you would end up doesn't make it any easier.. i hear you and totally understand your pain.. who knows when it will be easier to deal with it.. just take it one hour, one day at a time... then another day.. then another day.. what else can you do.. time for thinking, saying this is right, this is wrong is long gone.. all the right way of thinking won't make your pain any less.. hang in there... and write here as much as you want... and for those who don't get IT.. who cares..