I really need you guys!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
I really need you guys!
8
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 4:35am
I feel like my mind is a big fat pendulum moving back and forth - strong, heavy and TOO SLOW! I'm not trying to make excused anymore. I am back on the "I need to get past this" swing - and FEELING it, not just feeling like I SHOULD feel it.

Here is my situation as of this moment :) - I saw him last week. We talked about meeting today (no sex though - just "friends") and he said he'd contact me over the weekend to make plans. No word - it is after 10 - and nothing!

Okay - I WILL not contact him myself, but I was tempted this morning! REALLY tempted. I didn't! Usually I don't resist the tempetation but today I did. Baby steps for me! But steps!!!

Last week a group went out after a parents meeting at school. I sat across the table from him and watch him do his routine with a new mom to the school. Body language said it all - she was diggin' the attention and he was using his charm. The next day they talked in the school yard and I saw him get out his notebook and take down her number. All three of us have kids in the same class - but it still made me feel jealous!

We were going out to coffee (had an extra hour to get our older kids) and he invited her along.

I thought about it and realized his actions made me feel uneasy. I told him that it was hard for me to sit back and watch him pull his "I want to get to know you better, let's go have coffee" routine with a "new" mom. This is normal for him. Last fall he asked me and it was me for the rest of the year. Before me it was other women. He picks one (willing, SUCKER) and invites her out. It was a joke with me and my friends before he actually invited ME!

I told him that I was uneasy and a bit insulted that he would start this routine again when we were involved. I know - I have no RIGHT! We have no strings - but geez - respectful treatment is important to me (yea, right - this isn't respectful at all - I know that!) His response was "I won't go to coffee with her if it makes you uncomfortable. I don't want to hurt you" - I told him that I would not tell him what he could and could not do - but I feel like I have absolutely nothing to lose by being honest with him about my feelings.

He then asked if it was okay in a group! I told him that I would never tell him what to do. I was just telling him what he was doing to make me feel cheap and used.

I thought that if I caught him seeing her I would call it quits. I don't think he would start an affair - but he thrives on this attention!

THEN I had an "A-HA" moment- the damage has already been done. I don't care what he does (I do - but I am already hurt) because he would start this up anyway! He'll just lie to me like he does his wife!

I'm really starting to care how I look to other people who know we have coffee together so often. It is starting to click.

I need a push - reactions. Am I overreacting to his new coffee chick? Or the possiblity? Am I being overly possesive?

I need some feedback here that I can run with. I'm on the fence and I really don't feel okay about any of this. I still get such a rush from him - but I feel like my importance to him is lessening.

The good thing is that even though I am not 100% where I should be in ending this I am GETTING THERE! Naturally!

Any input is appreciated.

I need strong words here! Help!!

-lazy

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 7:09am
Hiya Lazyone,

Guess it all proves the point that No Contact works whereas maintaining that contact simply prolongs the agony.

He's getting huge ego-strokes simply by knowing you want him and are hurt by his choosing his next coffee-mom victim. The more he pulls away the more you want him - what's with that? Emotional unavailability. It's a form of control, YOU are ALLOWING him to control you - he gives you enough of the warm-fuzzy routine to keep you interested/needy, then withdraws it to make you desperate for it. He cannot do this if you do not allow it - He certainly cannot do it if you maintain No Contact.

This Chaser/Runaway mind game is summed up nicely in this link. It's a long read, but you'll spot yourself. It was a tough read for me once upon a time. http://website.lineone.net/~dr.mgm/relationships.html Let me know what you think.

Bottom line here, Lazyone, is no one here or anywhere else can do this for you. If you want to keep buying this predator's cackapookie, you will continue your coffee mornings & keep feeding his enormous ego at the expense of your self-worth. If you don't, you'll go No Contact in order that you can begin healing.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 8:19am
This guy sounds just like my XOM!!!

LOne--stop the contact and do it now. These guys are insecure and feed off off the attention you give them (you already know that, but it always hlps to hear it again :-)

I always thought that MY situation with my XOM was special and unique (cared about me, soul mates, etc. etc.) -- until I started coming to this board. It's funny -- all of us on this board are/were really with the same guy -- not literally of course -- but think about it -- the details may be a bit different, but the basic scenario is the same.

My XOM also approached other women in the neighborhood and at parties -- I was the first who was caught at a weak moment and said yes. Our A was on again off again for over 4 years. He may not be exhibiting the total disregard for your feelings by repeating his behavior with others right in front of me like your guy is, but that is because I have distanced myself and I will refuse to let this get to me.

These are sick relationships and he is feeding off you. You are better than that!!! You do not need some needy guy to bring value to yourself -- avoid contact at all costs and stick with that.

True said something the other day about mind association, but I can't remember which thread it was on...her advice was that every time you think of him, force yourself to think of something unpleasant that is totally unrelated to him or your situaiton. After awhile, your mind will associate thoughts of him with the unpleasant thought. You will be re-programming your mind to get rid of those exciting thoughts you get when he pops into your mind.

Good luck--you can do this!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 9:50am
((((LAZY)))))

Oh, Lazy, I'm worried about you!

I totally understand the high and the thrill, but I think you are in getting in even deeper now. You do have a right to expect respect from everyone you choose to associate with, but this man is not treating you with respect. AT ALL! You deserve better than that, and no adrenaline rush is worth sacrificing your self-respect and the respect of others. (And I'm talking to myself as much as you here- please don't think I am preaching!) You are getting emotionally involved, as we all do, and you're feelings are getting hurt. Like you said, this is his pattern. Do you really want to continue to be part of that? He continues to disrespect you...the kissing incident, and now this. Our Lazy deserves better than that!!!

Lazy- I know it's hard, but you've got to walk away. YOU need to be the one to end this and move forward. Let him continue to want you and NOT be able to have you, don't let him see you as a weak target that he can walk all over and still have his way with. You need to get out of this now, even though you will be moving back to the states eventually. That doesn't matter...a lot can happen in a few months. He could keep on being a jerk and REALLY hurt you, or worse your husband and kids could find out. You don't want to take that chance, do you?

Chalk it up to something crazy you did and had the good sense to get out of on your own terms, and then enjoy your time overseas with your husband and family. Please email me anytime!!!!

Hang in there, Sweetie!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 10:27am
Lazy,

Good for you that you're starting to see the truth. This guy sounds like a serial cheater. He doesn't fall into emotional situations. He chases after skirts. Forget him. You're WAY better off without him. Don't kid yourself about how much you mean to him. The next ship is coming his way, and he WILL embark. That's what turns him on.

silly

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 11:56am
Thanks for everything! I'm getting there. I'm mad and hurt and I know what I should do but I'm having a hard time actually doing it. THAT is what I am working on. I can't believe that I'm taking this from him and NOT kicking him to the curb!

My mother in law is here and due home any minute. Can't wait til she leaves THursday so I can come here more easily!

I'm getting there. I want to be a poster who says "been there, done that" - that will be my goal. I promise - I am getting there. I'm worried about me too sometimes Lily! BUT...I am strong and I won't let this guy get the best of me.

Of course I keep wanting to eat comfort foods - that will really show him, a zitty face and gaining lots of weight! I won't let him cause me to do that to myself either.

I NEED to hear and read what a jerk he is. He says the right things and i get so confused. I'm getting there!

Thanks guys!

It is so much easier to see the jerks for what they are when they are someone ELSE's jerk!

Posie - I decided to print the article from your link! It is printing now and is not coming out lined up properly and I dont' know how to stop the printing AND this thing is so LONG! Yikes! MIL better not come home NOW!

I'll check back soon - but 24 hours from now at least. I want to come here more!!!

love, Lazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:00pm
lazy -

You said 'but I feel like my importance to him is lessening.'

Can you try to turn this around and say 'HIS IMPORTANCE TO ME IS LESSENING'!

I would run away from this situation. I know it's easier said than done, but if you walk away on your own terms I think it will be easier for you than to witness this guy in action.

You also said 'I feel like I have absolutely nothing to lose by being honest with him about my feelings.' YES, YOU DO. He will emotionally dismiss your feelings. And then you will feel worse. This I do know from being there and done that.

Get away from this guy!!!!



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:11pm
iv-"emotionally dismiss your feelings". You've just nailed exactly what my OM. does to me over and over. Unfortunately, I keep trying to explain them to him in as many possible ways as I can, thinking eventually he'll "get it". This may sound insane, but I feel like I'm trying to behave as honestly and cleanly as I can in a dishonest and dirty situation. What I mean is, I try not to play games with him. I've laid it all on the line emotionally, my feelings, hopes, dreams, fears and I feel like he's treated it all so lightly and dismissively. So why keep doing it? That's the part I can't answer. Posie said I'll stop when the pain of being in it is greater than the pain of leaving. I hope I'm almost there.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:25pm
Hiya Toosmart,

<<>>

When you work out for yourself that beating your head against a brick wall only leaves you with a bloody forehead, you'll get that he doesn't actually want to "get it."

You'd do well to read the Chaser/Runaway link, too, Toosmart, because the more he pulls away, the more you chase after him which effectively drives him even further away.

You'll get there, I guess you want to feel some more pain yet. And, yes, I can understand that mainly because there was no telling me either until I reached a point where I realised that having a bloody forehead is pretty futile.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie