I really thought things were getting better with H...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
I really thought things were getting better with H...
18
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 10:19pm

What is it about Wednesdays?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009

oh, sweetie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009

Thanks Dee..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010

Hey HeartAche,

I thought about you through-out the night - trying to formulate a response. I see your situation in so many of the stories of the women I work work. Because the situation has improved, they feel unable to really complain or feel dis-satisfied with the current level of abuse in their lives. You know, because it is relatively less than before, but it is still present.

The abuse, degradation, name calling, shaming, controlling, power over behavior. The things he says to you, they are to break you down, immobalize you, make you feel like you have no right to feelings & respect. 20% really bad, is really bad. Anger, frustration, hurt, shame, disappointment - YES, those are all part of the Dday experience, but don't for a second believe that those feelings are free passes to act abusively.

And (this is going to be hard to take) your Husband can not be a good father if he is being an abusive partner. PERIOD. Building you up as a mother is to the benefit of your children. He is impacting on them and on your ability to care for them in a fully present & healthy way. By putting you down, by being so callous, cold and well emotionally abusive, he is making a choice to hurt the mother of his children. He is hurting his children.

And please don't think I don't get it. I've worked with so many families, like thousands, who have abuse going on, and believe me, the partner behaving abusively will ALWAYS find a reason to behave the way they are.

When their isn't an obvious event/reason, like an affair, they will simply find another reason, and another reason if the first gets resolved.

You know that Heart ... he was behaving abusive before the affair, now he's got your guilt & shame to use against you since finding out about the affair.

Please know we care, and we don't want to see one another being treated abusively.

Don't pity him. He is making choices each and every time he says such terrible things to you - to undermine you, to make you feel unworthy.

He has a choice, to leave you if he couldn't manage in a constructive way, the emotions that he is feeling (take time apart, get himself into counseling etc ...) particularly with children in the house. If he continues this way, the impacts on their sense of safety and emotional well-being will be, if they haven't already - completely compromised.

I wonder what your strategy is to keep yourself emotionally safe when he treates you this way?

Are you able to say that's unacceptable?

Does he listen to your opinions?

Is he willing to compromise?

If you answered no, or sometimes, or it depends ... well, he's got some real work to do because i think right now you're doing just about all the work on establising a healthy marriage.

What actions is HE taking to support you both in moving forward? Just staying with you doesn't cut it.

You are an amazing, beautiful, strong and courageous women that DOES not deserve to be treated this way, like DEE said, NO ONE DOES.

((HUGS))

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

Heart -

I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. I got D a year into my A, so I can only imagine the tightrope those of you walk that have had to deal with d-days and rebuilding marriages. TU gave you great advice. You are NOT defined by what you did. What you ARE is a beautiful, loving, caring woman that made a mistake. Don't forget that YOU have a choice as to whether or not you wish to spend the rest of your life with this man. One of many things I've read here and repeat to myself daily is "we teach people how to treat us"

Bodhi

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003

Hi Heartache,

I just wanted to reach out and send some hugs and good vibes your way.

TU's response to you was right on the money - please take in what she has to say.

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008

Hi Heartache,

I second, third, fourth and fifth the other replies.

After our D-day emotions were raw, we had our moments and there were times that he did lash out at me verbally.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009

Thank you all for your wisdom and encouragement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010

Heart

These are the words of TU that I sooo agree with:

"You are an amazing, beautiful, strong and courageous women that DOES not deserve to be treated this way, like DEE said, NO ONE DOES.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2010
Heart - I'm rooting for you and your H, you both half to be so strong to have made it this far. I agree with the other posters about standing up for yourself and from your last post it looks like you are. I do have one comment from a male POV - you've been out of your A for over one year, yet your H is still asking questions about it - that suggests you're withholding info from him. If he's still asking questions, then he's still agonizing and suffering (and lashing out at you). Why not wait for a calm moment, sit him down and say "I know you still have questions, but instead of making you ask I'm going to tell you the whole story - not to further hurt you, but to move us forward"? Just my thoughts -
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008

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