I really thought things were getting better with H...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
I really thought things were getting better with H...
18
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 10:19pm

What is it about Wednesdays?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
((Heart))

Given his pattern of using information AGAINST you (rather than to support his own sense of closure and wellbeing) I would NOT recommend in any way, shape or form sitting down with him and offering *full disclosure* without the presence of the MC.

In fact, being in MC while their is abuse going on is against the advice of any therapist/counseling community I have worked with.

First individual counseling, and THEN marriage counseling and separate living spaces until the abuse stops.

Heart, your response indeed shows you're keeping your eyes open and are aware of the kinds of conversations that will support you both in moving forward. It takes a lot of courage to set & stick with boundaries in any relationship, and even more when you've been the one to have an affair.

Thank you for the update; I had been thinking about you.

With Care,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2010

TU - I think you're right - it would be too risky for her to try to have that conversation without a MC present - one who has experience with that type of situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009

Thanks all for posting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010

"There are PLENTY of female BS who not only verbally rage against the WS like Heart's DH, but PLENTY of female BS who also get physical with their husbands, throw things, destroy the WS's belongings, call the AP's spouse, harass the AP and even threaten suicide. But with a woman, these reactions are not typically considered "abuse" and the husband sucks it up and deals with what THEY caused."

***
Ah, ya actually, I do consider these actions abusive. I don't think anyone should be treated that way - no one. Without a doubt. And as someone who works with female offenders mandated through the courts for counseling, I do get it. Oh ya, I also get to claim that special status of being a BS too - lucky me, and NO I didn't throw things, call names, make threats ... I cried, I freaked at him in counseling, I wanted answers, I wanted to feel he understood ... if you've read here at all, you'll also know I am a HUGE proponent of full disclosure - however, there are always exceptions, or at least considerations when they has been, or continues to be concerns about safety - particularly with CHILDREN in the home.

Heart ... I don't want this post to degrade further into a debate about whether or not *this* is abuse. I want you to feel supported & safe and clear in your own mind about the boundaries you are entitled to as you and your husband attempt to continue moving forward.

Much Love,

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009

Heart and TU,

TU wrote: <>

I totally agree. This is NOT a debate board, so if you are not here to support Hearts in what she is going through, then take it somewhere else. I started out on the All Sides board back in 2004 and this thread has taken an Allsides turn. Unless Hearts asks for the BS POV here, then no more " I agree, I disagree" posts in this thread. Also, if you have been posting with a BS hat on, it needs to come off when you post on this forum.

I hope I have made myself clear.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha

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