I relapsed - he called me yesterday, need you to yank me out of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
I relapsed - he called me yesterday, need you to yank me out of this.
27
Sat, 11-20-2010 - 3:16am

Day 3 of NC and he called,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009

Vanessa,

Many of us believed our XAPs were the "Love of our lives." I was there once, totally consumed by JAM, thinking he was the one and only man for me....blah, blah, blah...but our heads were not on straight as we let our hearts lead us down that path of lies and deceit. Don't get me wrong. We truly had ourselves convinced this was the real deal, but putting someone in a position to betray their family/children is not love. It is "selfish, me-myself-and I" behavior that detroys lives.

Your Xmm is hurting right now just as you are, but someone has to step up to the plate and make this right. You are trying to do that, as hard as it is, but you cannot let his "feelings/needs" get in the way of what has to be done. He also knows it has to end, but it looks like you are going to have to be the strong one. I am sorry he found a way to get through to you... Just a few sentences and he has your head spinning again. I am proud of you for not responding to his text but now you need to block him on your cell phone so no more texts get through. You are only hurting yourself more if you don't do this.

Of course you are going to miss him, think about him, pine for the good times, feel an awful void in your life for a while, but these things will pass with time. You help time move more quickly by focusing on you, your healing, your family, the holidays that are just ahead, and whatever it takes to put this chapter in your life behind you. It is not going to be an easy journey...but if you want your dignity and self respect back, it's one that has to be taken.

(((Hugs)))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

Vanessa-

Like Iddy said, someone has to step up to the plate. You have control over your actions and your life, so make that person you.

<<>>

Be with you officially? So he is saying that he has kids, therefore would like for you to be there for him UNofficially (in other words "side dish") When you truly love someone, you move heaven and earth to be with them. People with kids get divorced every day. I did - my kids were only 7 and 10 when I ended my M for XAP. And my kids are happy and healthy.

<<>>

What your H has that can't be overlooked is the fact that HE is your husband. You thought you felt loved and wanted by XAP because in Affair Land that's what happens. If you were really loved and wanted by him, he would leave his wife. And if you loved and wanted him, you would not question leaving your M.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010

Hi Vanessa~

I'm sorry you are feeling so miserable right now. Trust me, I KNOW!!! Having only ended a few days ago (again), I am still in those early raw emotion stages.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006

Vanessa,

I'm sorry for this...he is being extremely selfish and you cannot, repeat cannot, take any risks here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010

((hugs))

As someone with 3 small children, I am going to beg you to do whatever you can to snap out of the fog you are in. My children are now being shuffled between two homes with parents that work the equivalent of 2 full-time jobs each to support the financial fall-out of my affair. I could go on and on about the impacts of a Dday, but I am not sure if you can really believe how bad it is until you have faced your own.

So maybe these words from my amazing EAS Sister Luvin will help you get the resolve you need:

"One thing that you have to keep reminding yourself....If he calls you, it's not because he left his W and wants to be with you....it's not because he loves you and can't live without you....it's not because he's so hurt and so concerned about your well-being. He's calling because he's selfish. He's calling to get his fix. He's calling to see if you still want him. He's calling because he doesn't respect you enough to let you live your life and find someone who will give you everything you deserve. He's calling b/c something's missing in his M and you were the filler."

My xAP and I both had planned Ddays. His was to leave so that we could finally be together. Are we together now - heck no! I am so relieved. We would have been two very broken and damaged people trying to turn something wrong into something right. It wouldn't have been possible. I could have never forgiven either of us.

But you know what? He would send me the same kinds of emails/texts you've received. They are par for the course when they "lose" us. There goes all their ego strokes and easy comfort. They never had to really work for it, do they? We just wait there in the wings to be needed:

"Oh you said jump? okay - how high?"

Really? Is this what you want for your life? And if it's NOT then block & walk. I used to think it was okay to "let him" get to me - that it didn't do me any harm to just read the emails, in fact it was ego gratifying for me to get all those emails/texts/messages and NOT respond. Now I wasn't having to do any of the work and still getting my fix. I realized that it was HURTING me once I was fully back into the affair again. I realized I was still depending on him to feel validated, and that I would never ever get over him if I couldn't find the courage to stand on my own two feet and do my own healing.

I can now honestly say that I am so grateful he is out of my life. I feel emotionally more present and my children are thriving. All the attention I spent giving to him has been re-directed back where it belongs. As we head into the holiday season, I am looking sooooo forward to NOT thinking about the next opportunity to have contact with xAP, feeling like crap because I know he's spending time with his real partner/family, nor taking care of his emotional breakdowns because he just can't live with/without me. Pa-th-e-tic.

We have ALL been where you are right now - and have lived to tell about it (-:

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010

Vanessa I also want to add that I too thought ( still think)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010

You've gotten alot of replies and I apologize if this is not a new perspective.

I too relate to the powerful emotions you are managing (feeling needs met by him, and not by H). I won't minimize to you how complex this all is..I know it from living it (me and xap are both married with kids and no plans of life changes, ie leaving marriages).

My one point is this: that with his primary commitment to his M it is very likely that he will become NC as a result of counseling intervention. You should make your decisions about what you are doing for yourself regardless of this likely development, but I hope hearing this from someone who lived through it will make it more real so you can prepare yourself for this likely next step. It is not for lack of love, etc. It will be the natural advice to protect the M.

hugs and keep connecting here

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010

Hi Iddy

Thank you so much for your time, you are so right when you say that with just a few sentences and my head was spinning again. He is definitely an 'addiction' in my life not the 'love' of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2010

Just say no to the friend thing. He really does not want to be your friend and neither does his W.

Would you invite them both over for dinner? Would you send a Holiday card to them? If not, then he is not really a friend, he is an xAP.

I have guys who are friends (and I am friends with thier wives) and that is the kind of thing we do...we invite them to parties, dinners, send holiday cards, celebrate with each other when there is an accomplishment. My xAP is different. He would never be invited (or comfortable) in my home. I do not see him and H sharing a beer together.

xAPs are not friends. (hope I did not rant)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
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