I remember when.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I remember when.........
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:39pm
I left my ex-husband to be with xMM. I felt wonderful, I felt like I had this whole new world just opening up at my feet. I never one time regreted my ex-husband. It was me and xMM, against the world.

When I was making my decision to leave my ex-husband, I remember saying to myseldf "there's got to be something better than this". I haven't found that something better yet. I remember just a few days ago saying "there's got to be something better than lying to be with this man".

Since, I was the one ending the A, I thought I would be on top of the world. I've been emotionally disconnected from this A for some time (so I thought). I catch myself wondering if xMM will go back to his W ( not that I care). I wonder what today is like for him? I wonder what my life will be like without him in it? I wonder if I will ever find that "something better"?

I feel like my thorat is closing? Almost like I can't breathe. I know it's a anxiety attack. Yesterday, when I ended it, I was fine, but today it's been really hard. I'm thinking about him so much. It was never my intention to hurt him. I just knew that we were not good for each other. I love him with all my heart. We could have had a wonderful life together. I wonder what the next woman will look like? I wonder will he love her? I wonder will he think of me often? I wonder if he wishes he had done things differently? I wonder if he feels a sense of loss?