I saw him

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
I saw him
61
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 5:59pm
I saw xap this past Tuesday afternoon. I was in the supermarket(where he gave me his number) and he was also there. His daughter was with him. I didn't approach him. When I walked by he was in the checkout lane and turned and smiled and said hi. I did the same. Then when I was in the check out lane he was leaving and looked back and waved bye. My heart is breaking all over again. I couldn't believe I was looking at the man who said all those things to me and he just treated me like a casual acquaintance. I really hoped him seeing me would prompt him to do the right thing and contact me and give me an explanation. It didn't. And I am right back to going over and over why he did what he did. I think I am even lower than I was right after he disappeared. I cry off and on all day. I have been busy with the kids sports games, but I will be at a game and have to go to the restroom and cry. This really is driving me crazy. I don't know how to get over this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 8:47pm

Wow Iddy you have given me a lot to think about. One reason I do believe him about his wife's affairs is because not long after we started talking I looked him up on facebook. His last post was the end of Dec. and he had posted an animated video that said I feel like the tin man today. It showed a girl taking tin man's heart and stomping on it and breaking it up and throwing it down, and tin man crying. He had also joined an infidelity support group for spouses that had been cheated on. All this was a month before I met him in the grocery store. So I suspected before he ever told me that he had been cheated on.

The pregnancy should have been a red flag, especially since I didn't hear it from him. But at work when I overheard one of my employees asking his dad if his daughter was excited that she was going to be a sister. You can't imagine how I felt hearing that. But what did I do? Sent him a text congratulating him.(ugh)

No I am not in counseling and probably need it very badly. But I am not working right now and it is very expensive. It sounds like you were where I am now. Sad and depressed and wondering what I did wrong and feeling unlovable. You may not be a shrink but you seem to know what you are talking about. Maybe he does have a serious character flaw. Thanks for making me see another side, here I was thinking at least he smiled at me but you are right that really shows no conscience and did act like nothing had ever happened.

I will try to find those books and read them.

Thanks so much for your kindness,encouragement and understanding. I really hope to be where you and a lot of the other women on here are at one day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 8:55pm

Exactly it is like everything I thought I knew about him was wrong.

That is how I am feeling right now that everything is pointless and there is no joy in anything. I feel like time is this empty space waiting to hear from him. How did you get past that and how long did it take? I know it is different for everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 8:57pm


Willow,

I'll echo just about everyone else here and say no one is judging you. I know that it feels like it, I've been there when I was new here with the first go-around/ending.
I also agree with Iddy and think that yes, despite everything it is cruel what he did, and it's entierly possible that is just the way he is - able to do that as though nothing was wrong. I know the feeling. My xAP (MM, I'm S) ended things the first time in January, it was as though everything was 'normal' (as normal as such things could be!), we were even planning on seeing each other in less than a weeks time. I had sent him a text 'everything good for next Friday?' got back 'of course, love you xo'...one hour later. Over. He did worm his way back in (and of course, I let him - he couldn't have had I not let him) and I ended up ending things. But, to go off of what Transcending has said - the only way I could end it was to take/create closure for myself, there was no way I was getting it from him. He still dropped all the 'I love you's/miss you's' in the world...which really made no sense to me if he had chosen to stay with his family. The 'why does he say/do this, and yet...' drove me crazy all the time. But, he couldn't answer my questions, he couldn't answer all of the 'why's' I had for him. I had stuck around because I gave him all of my power, I had let how he treated me/didn't treat me dictate how I felt about myself. I had conflated his treatment of me with my self-worth. It eventually clicked that this man wasn't ever going to treat me different, wasn't ever going to give me the answers I needed. Only I could treat me different, only I could give myself answers about how and why I had gotten into this mess. What he could/would say, or how he felt didn't/doesn't matter anymore. Just as in your case, whatever is going on in that head of his doesn't matter. He can't bring you peace, his answers won't satisfy you. What could he say 'oh, I decided that I wanted to dedicate myself to my family'...sure, it's an answer - but you might just end up asking yourself different questions (such as: well, why did you do all of this in the first place? How could you have ever said X, Y, Z?!). His answer(s), no matter what, would only lead to more questions. More questions about him and the A, not questions about you, your needs, how you got here, etc - and those are the questions that matter. Those are the questions that you can answer and you don't need the input of xAP. These are the questions that will really help, once you start answering them.
I know, it sucks to be thrown under the bus all of a sudden. It hurts and it hurts badly, but I can tell you all the 'I'm choosing this for now/I don't have the courage to leave/I still love you but I choose my family because of X' type answers in the world won't bring you peace. They didn't bring me any. The only thing that did was finally realizing that I can control myself and the situation from my end, and I know you can do it too.
Please do stick around and keep reading. Sometimes things seem harsh, but that's only because everyone knows what it's like to some degree, we all want to see you out and healthy/happy.

((HUGS!))

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 9:03pm

<<<>>>

I'm glad you find my posts calming. All it takes is letting go. Really letting go. I wasn't always like this. I've worked really hard to be peaceful :) I still have my moments, believe me. I used to literally pace in my office, not able to breathe, crying uncontrollably. We all know the merry-go-round you speak of. TU is right - you have to not give him any more power over your life. You are in the driver's seat! You can create the life of your own choosing.

Willow, you can make up whatever reason you want for his disappearance. Most of the time when an XAP gives a reason, it's half true anyway. My XAP used to tell me what I wanted to hear all the time.

What matters is that you let go. I read a lot - why don't you try some of the authors Iddy suggested? I read the Susan Anderson book - it was really helpful. I can give you a bunch of suggestions for books on living peacefully if you'd like. Hang in there. Nothing heals like time.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 9:05pm

I am sorry I do understand what you are saying. When I posted today, I was at a very low, low point and maybe I was looking for more compassion than anything. I know I need the tough love also. Sometimes it's just harder to take than others.

I know I have to move. But to do so I know I have to give up all hope of an acknowledgment from him and that it is where I keep getting stuck. Because every day I get up and think maybe this will be the day I hear from him. I don't know how to kill that hope without killing whats left of my heart in in the process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 9:14pm

I do plan on reading those books Iddy suggested. Any recommendations you have would be great also.

I guess I just have to accept that whatever the reason, what it really means is he just didn't love me like he said he did. There is no way he could and do what he did. So I guess that is my answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 9:18pm

Willow,

I know it seems impossible to you at this moment, but you can do this. You can give yourself the gift of closure. You are worth that and so much more. Look at all of us who are fighting right along side you for YOU. Use us as your measure of worth: instead of his silence, replace it will the symphony of care and concern that is pouring out to you on a Sunday night. Weekends are usually quiet - and we are all here for YOU. Because you are worth it. Vets, tweeners & newbies are sharing with you their wisdom, and the bottom line is this: only you can do this for you. Only you can decide that you believe a better road lies ahead for you without xAP. I know this to be true. I am here, in that better place. I had to work my butt off to get here: lose a job, my husband, face my children ... it has been brutally hard. It has been worth every step. You can do this willow.

Don't be afraid to be vulnerable here. I like to imagine the women on this board as my wisest of friends or sisters. And when the advice is tough - well I picture myself in a safe place, say around a fire place at a cottage, and all of my EAS sisters are sitting with me, and it is like an intervention (except we are eating and drinking wine). They are helping me fight for my life, my sanity. I filter the harsher words through a loving voice. It is amazing how differently I can hear the message when I trust it is coming from a place of concern. I had become so use to be 'all wrong' that I couldn't recognize care when it was extended to me. I was suspicious and waiting for more critisicm.

Please know, however hard the message, the words are from a place of care.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 9:28pm

Thanks for sharing some of your experience. It is funny how when I read someone else's story that I have the reaction that you deserve better than that and shouldn't let anyone treat you like that, but when it comes to my own I don't see it.

You are all so right I have to work on myself and why I am depending on him to feel good about myself. Because I will make this admission right now. If he were to contact me tomorrow with some apology and excuse I would be willing to pick up right where we left off. I really hope that if he ever does that, that I would have come to the point that I would return the favor of complete and utter silence to him.

You sound like you have come a long way and are now a very confident woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 9:28pm

<<>>

Here's another one of my favorite quotes for you :)

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have."

The whole time I was with XAP, the R was never how I wanted it to be. I wanted him to love me the way "I" wanted him to love me. He was unable to do that. It didn't mean he didn't love me. He loved me in the only way he knew how.

I'll post you some books in a bit - have to help DD with homework.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 9:52pm

Here are some books, I hope you find some help in them.

The Zen Path through Depression by Philip Martin
Anam Cara by John O'Donohue
Wherever You Go There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn

Anything by Thich Nhat Hanh:
The Miracle of Mindfulness
Being Peace
Breathe! You are Alive

Joan Borysenko:
Inner Peace for Busy People
Inner Peace for Busy Women

The trick is that you have to apply and live what you read - that's the hard part :)

Bodhi

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