I saw him

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
I saw him
61
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 5:59pm
I saw xap this past Tuesday afternoon. I was in the supermarket(where he gave me his number) and he was also there. His daughter was with him. I didn't approach him. When I walked by he was in the checkout lane and turned and smiled and said hi. I did the same. Then when I was in the check out lane he was leaving and looked back and waved bye. My heart is breaking all over again. I couldn't believe I was looking at the man who said all those things to me and he just treated me like a casual acquaintance. I really hoped him seeing me would prompt him to do the right thing and contact me and give me an explanation. It didn't. And I am right back to going over and over why he did what he did. I think I am even lower than I was right after he disappeared. I cry off and on all day. I have been busy with the kids sports games, but I will be at a game and have to go to the restroom and cry. This really is driving me crazy. I don't know how to get over this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 9:56pm

You are right I have felt so much support tonight. I truly appreciate the time everyone has taken to give me advice and encouragement. I am already seeing a little clearer. I can't believe I have put so much weight on a word from one man, that would probably come from selfishness. When I have heard so much support and concern from amazing women with no selfish reasons attached.

I love the picture of sitting around a fire place at a cottage with EAS friends. I guess that is better than the back of a car at the park, with someone that could toss you aside so easily. lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 10:18pm

He did love me the way I wanted, even above my expectations, right up until the day he disappeared. I think that is another reason it is so hard. If he had of been more of a jerk during the R I think it would be easier letting go.

Thanks for the info on the books. Yes the hard part will be applying what I read.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 11:45pm

Willow, honey...we x-chromosomes having been trying to get a why out of those y-chromosomes for centuries...forgeddaboudit...some don't know why and those that do, can't spit it out.


And frankly, most men would rather do battle against a Mongol Horde rather than face a woman to tell her that he is no longer interested.. Tears, rage, talking about fffffffeelings...they want to avoid THAT at all costs...and they will and the disappearing act works well for them, and they hope that we will just take the hint...we aren't very good at THAT :)


I know it hurts to see him, so shop elsewhere. I had to go take the long way home to avoid driving by JAM's house.


Acceptance is the first step to your recovery...to everyone's recovery. We have to accept the affair is over, we have to accept they are moving on, we have to expect that we are no longer in the forefront of their mind, and we have to accept the end comes sometimes without warning or explanation...especially in affairs, where there's so much lack of respect and doing of the wrong thing, that one can't expect respect and really can't expect that suddenly the right thing will be done to end it.


Have you read "The Awakening" or the "Let It Go" threads in the Healing library? I think you should...I think they will help you accept what is and gain some comfort.


I'll go and bump them up :)


((hugs))


Clarity





"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 11:51pm

I am not sure how helpful this will be.


Like you I had no conversation, like you he was loving right up to the last minute but unlike you I did get a brief written explanation of what happened and unlike you it was a DDay but I did expect a phone call to say goodbye respectfully and was shocked to my core about the way

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 11:56pm

hi willow,
i am late to the game and i see you have gotten a lot of support. seeing him in the grocery store must have been so unreal for you, and clearly set you back a lot in your healing. it would have thrown me off too. it is understandable that you are feeling vulnerable, and all you want is to be hugged and told that it is going to be okay.

well, it is going to be okay. with time. right now, it sounds like you still have a lot of positive feelings towards xAP, and i understand, because i do too. i dont think the girls (and guys, cos i know we have a few) think that it is necessary to demonize our xAPs, but it is important to be realistic about who and what he was. i posted a thread about mythbusting my xAP, trying to turn off my heart and think with my head about who he was. i spend a lot of time feeling guilty bc i feel like he would have done anything to be with me, he was ready to leave his wife, and im the one who put a stop to it.

i'm glad your xAP was not a jerk and did not treat you badly, but ultimately, he did not choose to be with you, and that is painful. the role that you played in his life was temporary, so as wonderful as he may have been for that amount of time, he clearly was not ready to make the commitment you were. his "cutting you off", albeit abrupt, was his way of jumping ship. i did this to xAP myself, and i got an earful about what a coward i was. we ended up having tons of conversations about why i'm ending things, and blah blah. we analyzed the hell out of it, and if you think i got closure, you're dead wrong. we just talked in circles, and i would have been better off if i had just kept with the original cut off because then i'd be almost 6 weeks NC now!

point being, there is no such thing as closure, there is absolutely NO way to end an A in which both parties come out feeling good about what happened. "oh yes, this was fun, but lets get back to our regular lives now, thanks for playing our game". if only!!

this is the time to focus on yourself, understand what allowed you to get in the A and stay in the A when you clearly felt very strongly about somebody who allowed you to play 2nd fiddle. i'm not sure if this book has already been suggested to you, but i read a great one called "Why Good People Have Affairs". it was so eye opening for me.

i have also been reading a book about self discovery whose name is slipping my mind, but a huge piece of advice i've taken to hear from that book is YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS!. your thoughts can be schizophrenic at times, going from one extreme to another, taking you in all kinds of directions. part of achieving a sense of calm and zen is being able to step back from those thoughts and watch them go, rather than following them every where. you are not your thoughts, you are not your feelings, you are something much more intangible than those things. your core consciousness is something that exists even when you are not thinking and feeling. connect with that core consciousness and stay gounded.

good luck babes. we're pullin for ya :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: willow09
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 6:17am
I started pulling away in April, but things continued after that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 9:16am

Clarity,
You are right acceptance is the first step and it is what I am stuck on. Accepting that I am no longer a the forefront of his mind. That is hard, since he told me his days and nights were consumed by thoughts of me. I wish he could give me the secret to that transition from consumed to nothing.

I will read those threads and thanks for bumping them up for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 9:32am

It sounds like our situation is very similar. I have often wondered if he did have a DDay. I think I could understand the sudden exit if that is what it was. I really have no way of knowing. Yes you did deserve a proper goodbye. I am sure his wife told him exactly what to say.

Knowing they might be struggling some emotionally with it does help in forgiving. I think I mentioned it on the board, but I live a few miles down the road from him. One day a few weeks after his disappearance, when I drove by I saw him in the back yard leaning with his head down and seemed upset. I don't know that it had anything to do with me but I thought maybe he was struggling with it all.

I am also very sensitive. I admit I have hoped to see him somewhere since this all happened. I thought if he saw me he would be reminded of what we had and wouldn't be able to resist talking to me. So yes it cut me to the core that he could just walk out the door with just a wave. I think that is why I am having such a hard time now.

And yes your post helped. Thanks so much!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 9:44am

You are right I do still have a lot of positive feelings for him. But ultimately there has to be something off with someone who would tell you they were ready to leave and asked if you were willing to do the same and the next day disappear.

That is also what I struggle with. I have always been the type to let my thoughts and emotions rule me. I really don't know how to control that. I guess I do have a lot of work ahead of me.

I understand the going round and round about the end. But I do think the right thing would have been to explain his decision and then go NC, if I tried to make any further contact. But that didn't happen so I have to get past it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 9:48am
I don't think it is cheesy. I think I will borrow it and use it myself if I see him or when I think about him, which right now is 24-7.

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