I saw him

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
I saw him
61
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 5:59pm
I saw xap this past Tuesday afternoon. I was in the supermarket(where he gave me his number) and he was also there. His daughter was with him. I didn't approach him. When I walked by he was in the checkout lane and turned and smiled and said hi. I did the same. Then when I was in the check out lane he was leaving and looked back and waved bye. My heart is breaking all over again. I couldn't believe I was looking at the man who said all those things to me and he just treated me like a casual acquaintance. I really hoped him seeing me would prompt him to do the right thing and contact me and give me an explanation. It didn't. And I am right back to going over and over why he did what he did. I think I am even lower than I was right after he disappeared. I cry off and on all day. I have been busy with the kids sports games, but I will be at a game and have to go to the restroom and cry. This really is driving me crazy. I don't know how to get over this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 9:54am

Thanks so much everyone for your support. I hope I responded to everyone. I feel very strongly that if someone takes the time to reach out to you they should be acknowledged. I think because I am so much that way, is another reason I have such a hard time with being ignored by him.

I am feeling much better this morning because of all of your kind words and even the ones that were hard to hear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: willow09
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 11:24am
I'm really glad you're feeling better this morning :) That's usually the way, the whole waking up and thinking 'I'm okay, I'll be okay'. And you will be.
Thank you for you reply and kind words. Like many of us here, I'm working on the whole confidence thing. It's taking work and a lot of pain and discomfort, but I'm getting there. What I am 100% confidant about though, is that the A was no good. I did/do deserve much better! I understand what you mean though (re: seeing others and thinking 'you deserve way better than this!', but somehow not taking your own advice).
You'll get there, you'll get to the point where xAP calling or randomly showing up will make you want to turn and walk away rather than into his arms. It takes a bit, but I know you'll get there - just keep reading and seeing yourself in others stories. Read about the hurt (so you don't put on those rosy glasses!) and about the success, so that you know that yes there is good things ahead. I know I felt the same as you for a long time, that there was and could be no joy w/o xAP. What that *really* was, was just the fog clogging my ability to see all that joy that is out there. The real joy. The A/xAP had exhausted me so much that I couldn't see it. I'm starting to now, even though I still have my down days.
Again, glad to hear you're feeling better this AM. Take it for what it is and enjoy it! Just as I deserve(ed) so much better, so do you and if you keep this up you'll get it, just like the rest of us.
((HUGS!))

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2010
In reply to: willow09
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 1:50pm

Willow,


I am new here so please forgive me if I am mixing some things up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 3:28pm
I guess the reason I have said maybe I should quit posting is because I have still wanted my xap and most on here wanted out of their A and are happy to be out even though they are dealing with the fall out and emotions from the affair. I do get that they are giving me support and I hope I have made it clear I appreciate that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2010
In reply to: willow09
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 4:43pm

Willow,


I asked that because I know in my experience as a counselor often my clients become angry with those around them who are trying to support them moving past an issue that has caused pain in their lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 9:44am
I miss him in every way. I miss the connection we had. I miss the person that I could be totally myself with and know he never judged me . I miss that he respected and was really interested in everything I had to say. I miss sharing the deep love we had for each other. I miss hearing about his day and knowing I was making his life a little easier, I also understand I may have also been making it harder. I miss laughing with him. I miss the passion we had. So I wouldn't say it is the A I miss. It is him I miss even with his beautiful,broken heart. I just can't hate him. I feel his pain too much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
In reply to: willow09
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 10:40am

Hi Willow ....give it a few more weeks and we will have to call each other Willow and Wallow !!


I think a lot of what you are taking from this board is the difference between

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: willow09
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 10:59am

Willow this post is not meant to be harsh so forgive me in advance if you find it that way. I will tell you from the perspective of a MW who had an A, and one who is trying to save my M, I ended my A the same way as your XMM. It wasn't meant to throw him under the bus or to hurt him, it was because I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to be a person who didn't lie and cheat anymore. The xom brought out characteristics in me that I didn't like. No, he didn't make me lie and cheat but he enabled my cheating ways. He was OK with me being a liar and cheater. He told himself that I didn't lie to him but c'mon any person who lies to their spouse will lie to their AP. A liar and cheater is a liar and cheater. My DH does not accept me as a liar and cheater. He demands that he be the only man in my life in order to stay M. You see where that leads me? That leads me to eject my XAP from my life immediately to save my M. I like the person I am with my DH. That person is honest and truthful and he doesn't tolerate being in my life part-time. He brings the best out of me. I am proud to say that I am honest and that I am sleeping with one man. I can look in the mirror and not feel disgusted and shame at what I had become during the A.


I know you are hurting but your XMM decided to be honorable for his family and his W. That doesn't mean that he didn't care about you and that he doesn't miss you, it means that in order to make his M work he has to not have deep dark secrets like you. It's a hard pill to swallow but you have to understand that good ppl don't constantly lie, cheat and betray their spouses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 10:07pm

Thanks NC.

Willow and Wallow that made me laugh. I should probably go ahead and call myself Wallow that's what I seem to do alot of.

I think you make a good point with the differences between an ender and endee. There was never anything in the A to make me get fed up or start to question him. It is funny the very next day,after his declaration that he was ready to leave, which unknown to me would be his first day of NC, I was telling my best friend what an amazing person he was and that even if for some reason he didn't end up with me, I hoped he realized that he deserved so much better than the treatment he was getting. Little did I know I wouldn't ever be hearing from him again.

I am also sorry you lost a friend in this process also. I guess this is why an affair is so painful, there is always someone hurt, whatever decision is made. I guess I would rather it be me instead of his little 5 yr old daughter that worships her dad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 10:23pm

I understand what you are saying. But if you are saying you just cut off all contact with no explanation, I am sorry I think that is cruel. I understand wanting to be honest and save your marriage, I just don't understand why it has to be done without explaining it to your ap and then going NC. I'm sorry I just feel so strongly about this and I know there are others that disagree.

I also want to make it clear. I was only sleeping with one man. My h sleeps downstairs. I wasn't sure if you were talking about me or xap. My h also knows about xap, he doesn't know all the details. But he knew there was someone else and I also talked to him about the way it ended and he also felt it was cruel for him to treat me that way.

I am happy for you that you have your h there for you. I think it might be a little easier for those that have a m that they are working on after the A ends. They maybe aren't left with as big a void as those of us who don't. Just guessing.

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