I saw him

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
I saw him
61
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 5:59pm
I saw xap this past Tuesday afternoon. I was in the supermarket(where he gave me his number) and he was also there. His daughter was with him. I didn't approach him. When I walked by he was in the checkout lane and turned and smiled and said hi. I did the same. Then when I was in the check out lane he was leaving and looked back and waved bye. My heart is breaking all over again. I couldn't believe I was looking at the man who said all those things to me and he just treated me like a casual acquaintance. I really hoped him seeing me would prompt him to do the right thing and contact me and give me an explanation. It didn't. And I am right back to going over and over why he did what he did. I think I am even lower than I was right after he disappeared. I cry off and on all day. I have been busy with the kids sports games, but I will be at a game and have to go to the restroom and cry. This really is driving me crazy. I don't know how to get over this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: willow09
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 8:51am

Dear Willow,

Please recall, that we are sitting around a fire, drinking wine and eating yummy food, when I share the following with you (-:

You can stay stuck in the pain of how it ended, or you can focus on the re-building of your future. There is a saying in someone's signature that goes something like "you can cling to the past to tightly that your future slips away".

Yes the ending was horrible and cruel, but so was the ENTIRE affair; maybe not to you (as you see it), but to his wife and his children. They just didn't know it.

I know you are having a hard time with seeing your xAP as anything but kind, but Willow, just by virtue of being in the affair, he was at the very least a liar, manipulator, deceiver & coward.

WE ALL WERE/ARE if we are in an affair. They can't begin/survive otherwise. These are the very basic of ingredients.

Even if any and all things he told YOU were true (which I would never believe), at the very least he was all of those things to his wife, and mother of his child(ren). That doesn't make him a prize. And believe me, I know that special kinda pain that is reserved for those of us who were told they were leaving their wives.

My xAP was leaving too - and had told his wife so. And then, their was doubt, apprehension and wavering. I couldn't take it. It was past time to look toward a promising future - a future not built on empty promises and stolen moments. They were not ours to Have or to Lose. We intruded into their lives, and them into ours. The fact that he didn't leave shows that all those stories he told about his wife, well they were either lies, or he was using to gain your pity and attention. Because, in the end, he didn't leave and so it wasn't all that bad. People divorce all the time.

"I was telling my best friend what an amazing person he was and that even if for some reason he didn't end up with me, I hoped he realized that he deserved so much better than the treatment he was getting."

Willow, look at the treatment he was giving - both you and his wife. Did you ever read this thread. It was my pivotal moment. It was when I realized that if all this ugly was going into making my affair possible, then there was no way the outcome was, or was EVER going to be healthy.

***

AFFAIR CONTRACT

For the married party:

I promise to lie and cheat on my spouse.

I promise to compromise my morals and ethics to be in the affair.

I promise to hide all communications with affair partner from my spouse.

I promise to lie to my spouse about such communications if he/she accidentally sees one.

I promise to live in two worlds and not be fully available to either my spouse and/or family or to my affair partner.

I promise to lie to my affair partner when the truth will hurt him/her or when it’s more convenient or when the truth would end the affair.

I promise to accept the lie that the affair is making my marriage more bearable and is actually helping my marriage.

I promise to ignore any vows and or commitments I made to my spouse if they interfere with my affair.

If my spouse and I are currently sexually active, I promise to continue to have sex with my spouse but give my affair partner the impression that I don’t have sex or have very little sex with my spouse.

I promise to send affair partner a text/email/call to let him/her know I’m thinking of him/her during the holidays and or on my Birth Day.

I promise to not work on the problems in my marriage or within myself as that would eventually lead to dissolving the affair. Unless I get caught or the affair has run its course, then I can use the above as an excuse for ending the affair.

I will be open to having sex in places that are convenient regardless of the environment i.e. on or in vehicles, bathrooms (no matter how dilapidated or regardless of the smell), broom closets, office desk, floor, chair etc.

I promise to feel free to involve my emotions and make promises that I cannot possible keep as this is just a fantasy and is not a real life relationship. I also reserve the right to not involve any emotions if it is not convenient for me.

I promise to take time that I should be with or doing things for my spouse/family and give it to affair partner.

For those with a child/children:

I promise to put my needs first before my child’s/children’s

I promise to kiss my child/children good night with the same lips I kissed and did other acts with my affair partner.

I promise to act engaged in my child’s/children’s activities even if my mind is on my affair partner.

I promise to act morally and ethically in my child’s/children’s presence and expect them to be moral and ethical when I’m not.

I promise to lie to my child/children about my affair when and if it is necessary.


For the single woman or man:

I promise to compromise my morals and ethics to be in the affair.

I promise to keep our affair a secret from all friends and family that would interfere or try to convince me to end the affair.

I promise to believe my affair partner’s every word and believe that he/she will leave their spouse eventually to be with me. Even if they never tell me they will, I promise to make up a fantasy in my head that gives me the hope that they will.

I promise to not get jealous when my affair partner gets up from having sex with me and leaves to go back to his/her spouse.

I promise to not get upset when affair partner blows me off and does not return my text/email/call because he/she is spending time with his/her family.

I promise to open my bed to affair partner so he/she will not have to spring for a hotel room. Unless he/she takes me on a trip then of course he/she needs to pay for the hotel room.

I promise to be available at all times for his/her sexual and emotional needs eventhough he/she will not be available to me at all times.

I promise to act happy when affair partner shares something about his/her Wife/Husband even if it hurts me to do so.

I promise to not get upset when my affair partner spends holidays and birthdays with his/her spouse and or family and not with me.

I will be open to having sex in places that are convenient regardless of the environment i.e. on or in vehicles, bathrooms (no matter how dilapidated or regardless of the smell), broom closets, office desk, floor, chair etc.

I promise to allow myself to become emotionally attached to my affair partner eventhough he/she has a commitment and vows to his/her spouse and is not mine.

I promise to not use logic to see through the blatant lies my affair partner tells me with regards to his/her marriage and or spouse. I realize that doing so could lead to the end of the affair. I therefore promise to believe his/her lies in place of factual evidence.

By signing below all parties agree to do whatever is necessary to keep the affair going unless it becomes inconvenient for either party. Parties further agree that if the affair is discovered by the spouse, marriages and families could be broken apart, jobs could be lost, and the fall out could affect the child/children.

In the case where it becomes inconvenient for either party, this contract becomes null and void. No rules apply and the married party is allowed to do whatever is necessary to save his/her marriage even if it is harmful to the single man/woman.

NOW MY QUESTION IS….WOULD YOU SIGN THIS CONTRACT??????

***

"He did love me the way I wanted, even above my expectations, right up until the day he disappeared. I think that is another reason it is so hard. If he had of been more of a jerk during the R I think it would be easier letting go."

This is also something to reflect upon. Real relationships have challenges. Not all our needs are met in real life relationships. We have to work, and work hard to negotiate, communicate and set healthy expectations in RL. The fantasy though, the fantasy of the affair is often symbolized by the 'perfection' is seemed to represent. I am sure my xAP would say the same. I treated him like a king, was always available to him, remembered every special occasion whatever ... he was shocked when I ended it too because he was refusing to see that the entire affair was wrong, and needed to end. I was just foolish enough to believe at one point, it would be us together in the end. I cringe at the thought of that now - we wouldn't have even been together a week in RL. I would never ever trust him, or myself for that matter. Neither of us would have done any work to uncover why we chose an affair, and would have lived with the false belief that we were just meant to be. Well - until one of us chose to enter another affair.

With care,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: willow09
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 11:48am

I did cut off all contact with my XAP without an explanation. I changed my cell number and closed all email accounts. I know you may think it is cruel but my allegiance is to my DH not my XAP. I owe him nothing. I made a vow to my DH not my XAP. He knew from day one that I was M to someone else and he chose to have an A with a MW. I am sorry but that is the consequences of sleeping with someone who is M to someone else. Your AP's allegiance is to his W. I had to end it that way and your XAP probably did also. You only know half of your XAP's story. His W is probably fighting for her M and has demanded that he not ever contact you again.


If he called you today and told you that he needed to end the A because of xyz would it really be enough for you? Probably not. Further contact with you will threaten his M even further. Unfortunately you are a threat to his M. What the two of you had was illicit and although you may glorify your XAP he wasn't in a good place when he was having an A with you. It's hard leading a dishonest and secret life. It eats away at your self-worth and destroys you. Your XAP probably knows that if he had further contact with you he will subject himself to cheating again and maybe he just doesn't want to cheat any more. I'm sorry you are hurting but there are men out there who are available whom you don't have to share with another woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
In reply to: willow09
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 12:11pm

"there are men out there who are available whom you don't have to share with another woman."


Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
In reply to: willow09
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 12:42pm

Willow I am so sorry you are hurting and I can only imagine all the negative feelings, emotions, sadness, all the "why's", and all the hurt when you saw him. You prolly would have rather him go up to you, go off on you and have him cuss you out rather then acting like you were any other person and any other day, as if seeing you did nothing to him but that isn't the case. He is hurting too and I bet all those same feelings and emotions came back for him as well (even if he was the one who left you wondering what the heck), ya know?


Hang in there, please don't stop posting here, I've gotten some "tough-love" too and it may sting for a bit but everyone is just trying to help, that's all. We are all in the same boat; trying to get past the hurt and get the poison out of our veins.


Hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: willow09
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 12:47pm

I think mom was simply pointing out that affair partners can seemingly drop off the face of the earth with no explanation when push comes to shove at home.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
In reply to: willow09
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 12:51pm

I liks SAMs too :)


Let's add to the lingo!

Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: willow09
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 2:06pm

<>


Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 4:24pm

I did read the contract. I understand what your saying. I guess I feel no pity for his W, because I do know his family and a little of hers and I know I can't know everything he said was true. I know that a lot of it is. Maybe everyone will think I'm a bad person for saying that but it is the way I feel.

I think there is a lot of dysfunction with both of them and he would rather stay with what he knows than take a chance on what he can't know. He said once he fears the unknown. He also made the comment that is amazing how many people stay in bad marriages just because it is what they are used to.

I don't know if we would have survived RL. Maybe not because we would have had to deal with his W and I don't think I could have stood by and watched him be so cowardly with her. He would whine and whine about her treatment of him and how I had made him feel like a man again. But then he would turn around and do everything she told him. I can't stand it when a man won't stand up for himself. So maybe you are right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 4:33pm
I guess we will have to agree to disagree. I understand your allegiance is to your dh. But you also chose to have the A. and you were involved with a living, breathing person with feelings, who just because you decided it was wrong, didn't cease to exist. I do think because you chose a relationship with that person, they should have had the benefit of an explanation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 4:35pm
Thanks! I was wondering the same thing.

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