I saw him
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I saw him
| Sun, 08-29-2010 - 5:59pm |
I saw xap this past Tuesday afternoon. I was in the supermarket(where he gave me his number) and he was also there. His daughter was with him. I didn't approach him. When I walked by he was in the checkout lane and turned and smiled and said hi. I did the same. Then when I was in the check out lane he was leaving and looked back and waved bye. My heart is breaking all over again. I couldn't believe I was looking at the man who said all those things to me and he just treated me like a casual acquaintance. I really hoped him seeing me would prompt him to do the right thing and contact me and give me an explanation. It didn't. And I am right back to going over and over why he did what he did. I think I am even lower than I was right after he disappeared. I cry off and on all day. I have been busy with the kids sports games, but I will be at a game and have to go to the restroom and cry. This really is driving me crazy. I don't know how to get over this.

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Yes anything he could have said to explain would have been better. If his W found out, well that would answer all my questions. I would know that while he may have had feelings for me, he chose his family instead. Or if he said I just can't go through with it, the same. But this, I am left wondering if he was just playing me the whole time, was he seeing how far I would be willing to go for him?
I might be misunderstanding you but I feel he has ended it. Maybe what you are saying is that I should make the choice that for me it has ended, no matter what he might do in the future? I am still NC. I do get that all my focus is still on him and trying to figure it all out. And it isn't getting me anywhere but down.
Thanks for the hugs and love.
Hi Willow,
My A ended abruptly and took me by surprise, like yours. But unlike yours, he gave an explanation though. It just didn´t make sense. I kept pushing for a better explanation until he scolded me for not respecting his wishes.
For a very long time I thought that if only I knew the true reason, everything would be easier. I was strongly doubting myself at that time. I didn´t trust my own ability to judge character. How could I? I trusted someone that left me abruptly without looking back and with only a lame explanation. When did he lied to me? When he said he cared or when he showed he didn´t?
With time, much work, and the help of this board, I saw that it just doesn´t matter. It crushed me at the time that I couldn´t understand why he would lie to me. And I still don´t know for sure, I can only guess. But this is all the explanation I´m going to get and I´ll have to come to terms with it.
The truth is that he was a very bad influence on my life (which I would deny on the early stages of NC). We were partners in crime and the only good thing he did to me was to leave me alone. So, the reasons of why he did are of lesser importance now.
I don´t need his validation anymore. There is good stuff happening in my life even if I´m still not completely over this mess I took myself into. It took work and many many tears, but here I am. You can do that too, please have a little faith in yourself. You are so much more than this A!
((Hugs))
Edited 9/2/2010 5:10 am ET by prudence10
Thanks Prudence!
That is exactly what it has left me wondering. Was everything he was telling me all a lie? Of course I do know his telling me he was ready to leave his "situation" was a lie. I don't know why he always called it his situation. One time he did say he wanted out of his marriage. But otherwise he would always call it his situation.
It helps to see that someone who is where I am right now has been able to get past it all. I hope you continue to do well and that one day I will be where you are now.
Hey Willow,
I am an early ender a little bit over 4 weeks. I can completly sympathize how you are feeling. I am not one to give advice as I am a complete mess at the moment. I ended things with XMM and he really couldnt care either way. I also saw him and told him how I felt and once again he couldnt care either way. I want to so bad know that I meant at least something to him. Even to just acknowledge my feelings. But as much as I would love that in my deepest fantasy I know if it happened I will be hooked longer. I would think he was a "great" guy. But as much as this hurts (their indifference) it really forces us to see things for what it is/was. Hang in there and start with yourself. Im sure your life is rich in so many ways. Even the little things that we tend to take for granted. Everyday that passes is a day closer to self love. This AP also has work to do and that is for him to figure out. You focus on you. I know it is so easy said. I was up all night the last 2 nights just crying my little eyes out. It hurts I know..we all know! Just one day at a time! That is all I can say. Respect yourself and see your worth. This man does not deserve you.
Thanks for your kind words. I am so sorry you are going through this also. Knowing if we really meant anything, that is the big question, isn't it? I have chosen to try and believe I did, because if I didn't, then he is a master manipulator and a cruel and heartless person,and I just can't believe he is that type of person. It is easier to believe he is a weak,cowardly person.
I have been reading alot about letting go and detaching from the outcome. I still want answers but according to this theory you just have to trust you will get them and then let it go and detach from the outcome and wait and see what happens. I started trying to practice this yesterday and have felt much better. Every time I start to obsess I tell myself to let it go and detach. It is a struggle but I am trying. Maybe this would help you. I just know the last two weeks I have felt like I was back at the beginning with the constant crying and questions. Yesterday was the first day I haven't cried, so it is helping.
I hope your pain lessens and you see that he doesn't deserve you.
Willow,
Really understanding and accepting the saying "it just doesn't matter anymore" brings us enders to new level of relief. It's like the weight of the world is lifted when we can finally and really just 'let it go'. It sounds like you're getting to that point -- where obsessing with no resolution causes you so much pain that you choose to stop doing it. It's possible to stop obsessive thinking, but it doesn't come naturally to most --- you have to practice techniques such as distraction and redirecting. They are skills that will serve you well and I hope you'll put in place a conscious strategy to practice these skills for the next time you're hit with the compulsion to obsess.
I hope you have a peaceful and productive day!
Dee
That does help thank you! I will try it! Anything to get stronger!
I definitely believe that he is a coward. So is my XMM. If they werent cowards they would tell us like it is and be on their way! The hurt would probably hurt the same (who knows) but at least we were werent overlooked like a piece of garbage. The hardest thing for me was to and is to soak in that there are people that dont care about hurting others (especially what I believed XMM and I shared) Im very naive about seeing the wrong in others. I thought XMM was the sweetest and the most caring. Well he wasnt he was selfish! Im sorry that you had to endure that feeling that one day you are close and the next he is waving to you like you are a stranger and nothing happened! It is awful. People are capable of anything I guess. Well look at what I did. Never in a million years did I ever think I would involved myself with a married man!!
But I think this is where I have to take ownership for my own choices. The red little flags were waving all around me. Hence the biggest being that he is MARRIED! The price I will have to pay! At least I know even in my pain that I have grown to be more of an empathetic person and my care has grown even for those who make big mistakes in their lives. I know not to be judgmental even twds the XMM. I hope to be a better person at the end of all this!
You will be OK... if not better cause you will soul search and get to know yourself again. You will want better things for yourself and you will figure out why you chose this path for yourself!
Gee Dont listen to me LOL. I am just rambling and again I am in raw pain!
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