I screwed up....I let myself down

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
I screwed up....I let myself down
21
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 10:25am

Well....I thought about just going MIA from the boards as I hang my head in shame.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2009
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 3:59pm

Hope you are feeling a tiny bit better. You have been on my mind today. Hope you aren't still beating yourself up hun. You shouldn't. It is another try. I have been rummaging through the Healing Library myself today. So much good stuff.


Take care and sending you a smile or two or three... =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 4:32pm

I understand the whole H finding stuff. My H knows everything and is understanding to an extent but hard to be brutally honest on a bad day. I will typically just say to him that I am missing xAP and he says ok. I know he doesn't like hearing it but he wants open and honesty communication so trying to do that.


Hi hope :)


I enjoy reading your posts.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2009
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 5:03pm

My H put it best in counseling when he said it was like one day I was there and the next I was gone. He said he knew something was going on but couldn't figure it out. I cried when he told me this. It broke my heart to know that I had become so self absorbed that I didn't even give his emotions a thought. It is unlike me to be that way but I can honestly say I wasn't myself in any form.


It is hard to describe how it all started...the rebuilding. It was as if I saw H in a new light and realized..what have I done?!? How could I do this to him?!?! What was I thinking?!?! Here stands a man willing to accept the most horrible wrong, the deepest hurt and still love me. OMG! It is still hard to explain.


Last night I was journaling and the first words I wrote were Will I ever be able to do enough? Meaning do enough to prove to him I love him and want to be with him. I decided it doesn't matter...because...I WILL! When we decided to work through the mess I made, I made a list of what I WILL do and a list of what I WANT. The majority of my I WILLs were NC, open communication, give him my whole heart, always tell him what I am needing (he isn't a mind reader!). My I WANTs were very short. I wanted attention. What was amazing was his I WANTs were my I WILLs and my I WANTs were his I WILLs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 5:23pm

Hi Hope,


I'm feeling a little better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2009
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 5:31pm

You got it girl!! You did good with the last LC and now you are ready for NC. I got your back! hehe Good job on the new venture! Bet it goes well. A new start, a new beginning...a new you!


Those folks at work need to stop being so nosey. hehe Aren't they suppose to work? ;) jk



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2009
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 7:31pm

Mickey,


I think we have all

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 11:02pm

There's something about your optimism that makes me believe that your rebuilding will be successful.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2009
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 1:04pm

I will definitely check out the other boards. It might help me to help H. I constantly ask if there is anything I can do to help him. I know he doesn't know how to answer that question. I mean really...how do you answer that?!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 1:14pm

Mickey -


I just had to send you a note with ((hugs)).

NC since October 2, 2009.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 3:33pm

Thank you Gal....I'm glad I didn't go MIA either. :)


Today wasn't so bad.