I see things different now

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
I see things different now
2
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:02pm
Almost everyday I read the postings here..... and still do and have seen bits & pieces of comments, whole paragraphs, or even the whole darn posting and think WOW that's me too. I get emotional, like others I'm sure do , but mostly I have sat here after reading it all with my head in my hands asking myself WHY!! Why did I allow myself to get into an affair.

Then I say I'm human and I made a mistake. I think about how I was this time last year. Thinking I was so happy to have XMM in my life, thought he was everything, and didn't really give a squat what happened in my marriage. Boy what a difference a year makes.

Since I have held true to NC for a long while now, I see things in a whole new light. XMM was not everything, he was someone else's husband, some child's dad, and somebody's buddy. But not MY MAN. I think back over all the times, he tried and begged me to not leave the realtionship, after me telling him I can't do this anymore because of my guilt. He always said he wouldn't give up on me and would wait for me. His meaning being, he would wait till I would have sex again. (Which never happened). Always calling and checking on me. But also after unsuccessfully getting sex from me he would start talking about women that would offer it to him, like this was to make me jealous. I always said "go for it". Whether he did I don't know.

The long and short of this posting is... Now I see his actions, attempts and pleads was a way to try and get me into bed. He pleaded to much that he loved me for so long. Did he really or does he still? I think not. Love is a bond and feeling that 2 people have and they express it in ways of wanting to see and be with each other for any reason, not just sex, not at a convenient time, just for wanting to be together. I never once received a gift from him. No X-mas, no valentines day, not even a happy birthday comment. I always remembered his and at least tried to make a special comment about it when I couldn't see him.

My life is getting back to what is "normal" for me in my world. I used to check my cell phone a hundred times a day to see if I missed a call, I used to try and work out a plan to meet him somewhere to steal a few minutes. Well I use my time different now. I still think about him, I'll admit that. I still wonder what if we had continued the affair, where would I be or what would my state of mind be like. I still wonder did he ever really love me? Yes, probably , but in his own cheater kind of mind. I will be civil to him should we ever talk again. I told him before the affair ended that I am not a player and can't pretend to be one. What I did with him was something I NEVER dreamed I'd do, but it happened. And over the course of 2+ years I fell in love again. Maybe I'll always have it tucked away in a little place in my heart. But for now I need to just get over it and move one. Like I'm doing. Getting back to "normal" and start seeing my life I still have with my husband, different now (In a good way) and start seeing what I had with XMM as a learning experience.

TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:44pm
HI TCOM

You have come a very very long way, Congratulations.

You don't really want to know were you would be now if you had not ended the affair, trust me on this.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:11pm
Free...I know you are right. Maybe you say that based on your experience too. But one good thing is that we both have decided to be strong and make our lives better, and got out of the affair! I know that I will have times when I will miss XMM like crazy and be bothered by it. But the feeling will pass. You know one thing tho. I can't even cry anymore. I realized that, the other day. I felt like I could just break down, but it didn't happen. So I look to this as a sign that I'm gonna be okay. I thought at one time that I wanted to just get closure with him and tell him from my heart how I felt about this whole thing, but one thing I have learned about some men, They don't really like to talk about things like that, so I decided to not waste my time. It wouldn't matter in the end anyway. I still needed out!!

Thanks for being there!!!

TCOM