I seriously can't do this anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I seriously can't do this anymore
8
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 1:43am
It beenabout 3 months since I have last spoken or talked to this mm. Feb 14 was the last day so count for yourself I have lost count. I love this man, I have been in therapy since the second week of January I have been here since then too. I was doing so well. I suddenly can't go on without him . I feel I need to contact him. I am so heartbroken. I habe never connected with anyone or loved anyone in such a way as him. Please help me, what should I say in my email. SHoirt and sweet or long and emotional. I am pissed, I am sad, I have sweetest memories, I am bitter, I can not believe he did this to me. I hate him but I love him. How could I just say nothing and let him treat me in such a way? I want to hurt him. I had a really nad dream 3 nights ago.. This man is really non-confrontational but in my dream he was beating me and I was begging him to stop hurting me then he took out a knife and stabbed me and then he realized what he did and said he lived me and that he was so sorry and then all of a sudden it was christmas and I was all better. We sat there around the tree and he gave me three fancy lipsticks for xmas and the first two were melted and broken and then the third one was melted into a shape of a dagger. FREAKED me out. what do I do? LYSSA - totally heartbroken and may never stop loving this man and his friends keep coming into wher eI work and telling me how miserable he is and how much he loved me. SO WHY DOES HE STAY? HIS CHOICE RIGHT? not my problem...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 2:37am
OH lyssa, I am so sorry for you , and sorry for me too, since I feel the same way about my xom. Some days I feel I just can't go on w/o him. That is why when he emails me , I jump. I have been trying to forget him and just can't do it. I don't know what to tell you but if counseling is not helping you, then what else there is to do??? We surly can't go back to the MMs as long as they are MMs. lol. I think if your MM was as unhappy in his M as he says he is he surly would leave his W. These are not the dark ages when a man or a woman HAS to stay in an unhappy marriage. It is really up to him. Has he made any moves to contact you???? If you do have to write to him and can't control yourself , which sometimes I just can't control myself, then I think you should make it short. Not sweet. Make it short and see what he has to say. Then go from there. I don't want to make any of the other girls mad at me by telling you to write to him, but if that is what you really want to do, no one can stop you. However you might be setting yourself up for more heartbreak. You know yourself that as long as he is married all you will have is crumbs. Sometimes I feel that I rather have crumbs then nothing. So, I am really the wrong person to talk to about this since I know exactly the way you feel. I still love my xom too but it's taking me so much longer than the others to get over him, that is why I am still on this board and probably will be for the rest of my life. OH 'God.. I hope not. Maybe give it a few days, think things over , and if you still have to email him well give it a shot. Just let us know what he had to say. ok???????? Hugs Blue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 3:23am
Lyssa, May I be hard on you? Soft and hard? Don't break the N/C You've done well! Anger is one of the best signs that you are healing! Write that letter to him and post it here? Read posts from others who have done what you're wanting to do? They are always SORRY! THEY ALWAYS REGRET IT! THEY FEEL LIKE THEY ARE STARTING ALL OVER FROM SCRATCH!

There is a fire in the house! STOP, DROP, AND ROLL GIRL!

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 8:10am
Hi Lyssa-

I have been in your position - not at three months, but two and just couldn't stand the NC anymore. I couldn't help it and off went a "Hi how are you doing email?" I thought it would be an innocent conversation, but what is ever innocent with these men? Anyway, it became a big emotional debate over our relationship and although I resisted falling back into it again, it was very taxing on me. He wanted the affair to start again (most of them do) and put a lot of pressure on me which brought out a lot of anger on my part. In the end, things are no better. Nothing was gained. Just a little more pain was had.

It is so very hard, but crucial to stay your course. I know what you are feeling and you need a HUGE distraction right now. Is there any way you can get away for a few days or get immersed in something - even stay with a friend till the urges pass?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 8:22am
Lyssa... I want to hug you so much right now...

You know the answer to everything you asked... He can love you, but if he didn't leave his marriage, then it's not enough. He can say anything he wants, but his ACTIONS are what count. And you deserve better than being second best in a cheater's life...

Your dreams are SO strong - you know, in your subconscious, that he is beating you down, destroying you... you know that his promises are empty and hurtful (the lipsticks). Your dream is telling you what you already know - he is only causing you pain.

Nothing you can email him will heal you, because the answers aren't with him - they are inside of you... What does your therapist say???

I know that we all have horrible days like yours was... but - you are having some good days too, right? There will, slowly, over time, be more good days and less bad ones... trust in your strength to get through this - you can do it and you are stronger than you think...

And there IS someone out there who is looking for you who will appreciate the incredible woman that you are, and you will come FIRST and ONLY in his heart...

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 8:51am
Don't do it Lyssa! Writing to him now is only going to give him an ego boost. Let him think you've totally moved on from him. Don't let him know that he can have such an effect on you. I know how you're feeling because I've felt the same way (not today tho thank God). It'll pass and you'll be glad you didn't write to him!

Dreams suck. I get them too. And they can really screw up your day can't they. But nothing good can come from writing him. You've been doing great and you don't want to back-track now! "My" xMM contacted me by e-mail after 2 months and IT DID NOT HELP ME AT ALL... all it did is upset me and I think that's all you'll get out of e-mailing him too. In your ideal situation, what would you want him to say to make you feel better? Is there really ANYTHING that he can say that would make you feel better? Bottom line is that he's still with his wife... focus on that fact and stay pissed enough to avoid contacting him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 11:00am
Hey Lyssa..hang in there. Please try to wait a couple of days before you write to him..see how you feel then. If you still need to write him, I would suggest that you write down your anger..something my Therapist suggested as a safe way to get it off my chest..just realize that you have to be prepared not to get a response back from him. I am so sorry you are hurting, but you can get past this. You have to "see" yourself becoming stronger & moving forward. Who knows why they stay? But the sooner you stop asking yourself these questions, the easier it will be for you to begin healing. Just remember we are here for you.

Hugs,

Cin

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 11:21am
Lyssa dear friend, please listen up! You know me and you know I call it the way I see it. First of all, you yourself said you were doing so well. Then you said you had this dream along with so called friends who talk to you about how unhappy he is. Here is what I have to say about it.

A dream is nothing more than your body trying to process what has happened. You may go five years and experience a dream about him. But you certainly don't act on it. You say you love him. Do you even know what love is? Tell us all what you think real love is. Post it here. Perhaps we can too. And then once you have a good feel for what loving someone REALLY means, you'll see that you don't love this man at all. Why? Because you don't love yourself enough to demand that a man who is in love with you treat you 100% right. What your therapist is going to do is to help you learn to love yourself enough to not put up with this or any other MM's nonsense. Love isn't just words. It is how a person treats you. And when it is less than respectful, it isn't love. That's my definition.

As for these friends who talk about him...this is my suggestion. The next time a friend decides to discuss with you how unhappy he is, your attitude needs to be like this. HE HAS CHOSEN THIS UNHAPPINESS SO HE CAN WALLOW IN IT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED. IF HE IS SO UNHAPPY, THEN HE IS ALSO A COWARD TO STAY!!!!!! Are you sure that the friends are the ones who are always talking about how unhappy he is??? Do you ask them about him??? If so, it would be wise to stop that.

Lyssa, do you want to be happy? If so, then you need to take the appropriate steps to get this man and his life behind you. Who cares what is happening in his marriage??? I sure don't! Why not take the attitude that if he ends up single, you'll talk to him or about him. But until that ever happens, you're done with him!?! When are you going to really begin to believe you deserve better? Because until you decide you do, you are going to keep playing this game with yourself and wallow in it too. Is that what you want to do?

Don't email him. He isn't worth one more second of your time. HE HAS MADE HIS CHOICE SO FROM THIS POINT FORWARD, YOU WOULD BE HIS SECOND CHOICE IF HIS MARRIAGE ENDS. IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT? It's time you make up your mind to look in the mirror and realize that you are the only one keeping yourself from moving on now. The MM no longer has anything to do with it. He is in his marriage and not with you. Stay in therapy and try to find out why it is that you would even want anything more to do with a man who has obviously made his choice.

Hugs,

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 2:12pm
Oh my god Glinda - thankyou - I could not figure out what the lipsticks stood for -empty promises- you are so right - that makes more sense to me now. Thank you.

Thanks for taking the time.

Lyssa