i slipped up and called MM!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
i slipped up and called MM!!!!
1
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:23am
Hey everybody, well i just wanted to post my good news, yesterday i decided just to call MM even though i didnt know he was home b/c he usually wouldve been at work but i had some faith and i needed my answers so i am the one who intiated contact. Well he answered and i just asked him how he was doing and was he mad at me for some reason, he said he has just been really busy at work with reports and all which i know that's not an excuse he is just making up b/c he is always busy with work. He also said he has been in pretty much pain b/c he pulled a muscle and was taking meds. He said just alot of stuff has been happening and he knows he shouldve let me know something and that he was sorry but MM and the W are having major problems, he just lost his best friend who passed away and he's trying to be there for his brother who isnt handling the death very well. I did bring up the issue of his so-called friend trying to blackmail me and that made MM mad, he said he didnt know anything about it, i told MM that i sent him an email on it but he said his W decided to not pay the bill so they canceled their internet account so that's the reason i havent received any replys from him. He said he wanted to send me something just to say hey but his job doesnt allow using the computer to check personal email and they scan his work email so he couldnt send it from there either. I did tell him that i was upset and hurt that he hasnt contacted me and that i deserve better treatment from him and he said he was sorry and that he will make it up to me. We talked for at least 2 hours but we did get into a fuss b/c he now thinks i got a thing for the guy who was trying to blackmail me. He said he doesnt like the guy at all and he wished i didnt talk to him b/c the guy is just after what he can get out of me. MM said that he was not seeing anyone else and that the rumors i heard were not true. I asked him if he really did love me and he said "yes" but it's complicated which i know exactly where he is coming from with that comment b/c this A is not easy, we are not just in a A but it's also a LDA, we live about an hour away from each other so between my life and his life, it's hard to make plans to get together, but he did say he would call me so we could see each other and i told him not to tell him he would call, if he wasnt going to and he said he would, MM said he just doesnt like calling me b/c i am still married and he's scared that H would find out and it would make things worse on me to deal with and MM's relationship but i told him what hours H would be at work and that it would be safe if he called between them. So i am going to see if he makes the effort. He asked me what i wanted and i told him that i wanted us to work this out and stay together b/c i do love him and this has been hard on me, he apologized again but i could tell just by the tone of his voice that he was happy to hear from me. I told MM that he needs to stop walking away for long periods of time and he said sometimes he just has so much going on and it's hard for MM to handle it so he needs his cooling point from basically everyone. i asked him how he felt about me and has his feelings changed and he said no and that he wanted to tell me how he felt in person instead of over the phone. I called him from my mother's house since we were visiting and when he heard that he quickly asked me why i was back in my hometown, it was like he wanted me to say i got a divorce. I think sometimes MM guilt trips me with the still marriage thing not intentionally but i think that he knows we are both dealing with the same situation in our marriages but him and I dont know how to be with each other for the rest of our lives when we have children involved. Anyways, he said he would call so we could make plans to see each other so i am pretty excited about that. Well i am sorry it's so long just needed to get it off my chest, any advice or comments are welcomed. Thanks for your time

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 2:58am
Dear Peach

I lot of your conversation sounds familiar. I've been there a thousand times it seems, still go there once in a while. It is comforting to hear that voice, but try and hear the whole message. And above all listen to your inner voices.

Like you, I tried to put a positive spin on everything XMM said or wrote.... looked for all the hidden meaning and confirmations. Ignored the warning bells....should say warning sirens. Being in a "challenged" marriage is difficult, and the more I study this, and talk to friends, the more I realize nearly everyone is challenged. We need an escape..... a safe place where is seems like love is all that matters.

It is good to talk to MM, like a drug.... but the questions will be endless, because no one is being completely honest. Not because we are all liars and bad people... but because, when not being completely ellusive, the truth hurts. The truth is.... the fairy tale doesn't last forever. "In love" isn't love, no matter how good it feels, how honorable. How safe. An affair isn't a real relationship, and in the light of day, given a chance, most wouldn't survive. But for most of us, that isn't even an option. No one is going anywhere. The kids come first.

There was just yesterday a post about the obsession regarding A's. I spoke with my T about it yesterday. He agreed and took it one step further. The obsession is like trying to put a puzzle together where all the pieces are missing..... but it isn't just any old puzzle. It feels like the most important puzzle ever made, because our existance and future happiness depends on it. Also hidden in that puzzle, the resolution of our own guilt for having gotten involved in such a situation. But the pieces that are missing will never fit right even if you find them, because the whole puzzle is constantly changing and fading in and out of reality. There are things going on behind the scenes that MM will never tell you about for fear of loosing you, his comforting fantasy love. Imagine how much it means to a man dying of thirst to have an adoring woman hand him a cool glass of water. At the same time, he fears that water, because he knows he can't leave his marriage. And who knows if his wife is also holding out a glass to him, but he fears her as well..... those are just some of the missing pieces.

I will be seeing XMM next week when we are working in the same city. Haven't seen him in 9 months. It is over.... I won't sleep with him for many reasons. I will ask questions, but I'm going into the situation knowing that I won't solve the puzzle. Life is an unsolvable puzzle. I'm going to just try and enjoy the pieces that fit, that don't hurt anyone else, and hopefully that will relieve the pain of the disappointment that Fairy tales don't come true.

Lala