I "slipped" ... is it OK?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
I "slipped" ... is it OK?
5
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:28pm
Ugh. For all the advice I give about keeping up the NC, I "slipped" and just sent my XMM/former best friend an email. He's leaving on a trip to see his dad (alone) tomorrow and I've been struggling with the idea that he thinks that I would be better off without him in my life.

He has alot of issues to deal with...drinking, depression, guilt, etc. He wants to get himself better and make his family better. I do respect that, although part of me wonders if I truly do since I still want to be his friend?

I sent him the following email ... is this OK? I wanted to let him know that I miss him, but that I would respect what he wants to do and leave the door open for a future friendship. (Nothing more can come of this, I moved thousands of miles away.) Did I just make a HUGE mistake by sending him this? My thought was if I could get this final message to him, that maybe someday if he did feel the urge to write, he would stop himself from thinking I would be better off if it he didn't. Please share your honest thoughts (but try and be kind. LOL)

Here's the email:

"I hope it doesn't anger you that I wrote you. I'm not trying to engage you in conversation, I promise. In fact that's why I'm sending this to you right before I leave work for the day. (I have an early week - summer hours). I want to send this to you before you left for your trip. Maybe it's selfish of me to write, but my intent is just the opposite in that I hope you can have a better time on your trip after reading this.

I want you to know that I'm doing OK. It's extremely hard not to talk to you and I've had to resist the temptation to email you numerous times daily. But I am doing OK. I've already started taking small steps to make some changes in my life. I still wish that I had your friendship, but I've come to terms with what you need to do. I do hope you reconsider soon, not just for me but for you too, because I do know you care and I know there's probably some things you miss. I hope you are doing OK too.

The thing that weighs heavily on my mind is knowing that you feel I would be better off without you in my life. I don't believe that for a single second, even now. Maybe if we were still "involved" in other ways, I would agree. But I will never, EVER stop wanting or missing your friendship. As many mistakes as we made, you brought something special and a lot of positive things in my life and even if it's years (or never) that we talk again, I will always miss having you in my life. I will always wonder about you and care about you.

You said last week if I truly care about you, I will let you do this. (Name), I do truly care about you and even though I'm emailing you this, I have let you go. If we were meant to be friends, you'll be back in my life. (Like that poem that starts out with "If you love something, set it free....")

If you ever feel the urge to write to me, even if just to say hello, please don't stop yourself because you think I'm better off without you. Like I said earlier, I don't believe it and never will. Your friendship means more to me than you'll ever know. I will always welcome you into my life, harboring no bad feelings about this break or anything else. You will always have a special place reserved for you in my life. It's up to you now to decide if you want that place ever again.

You are a courageous and brave man. I admire you for that. I will never take you or anyone that I care about for granted again.

I've been trying to respect your wishes to leave you alone, even though it's hard. I wish I told you this all on Monday, because I swore I wouldn't write to you. I desperately want to keep that promise to you, to PROVE to you that I truly do care about you, and your needs. Staying away is what I'm doing for you, it will never be for me. So please accept my apology and trust that when you return you won't have emails waiting for you, and you won't have to worry about me popping up in your life from time to time. It's only been a week since this all began, and I am trying so hard but I want to give you what you want. I really do.

Please don't answer this. Because the next time you write to me (if there is a next time) I want it to be something that makes you feel good and happy about doing. Just remember, I will always welcome you. Have a SAFE and fun trip with your dad!!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:43pm
Honey, I think your e-mail was really quite appropriate and well said, if not for his benefit, then for yours. Ending an A is so so difficult and when you're so involved with someone one day, and the next you're out of their life, its just not natural. I guess I wish there had been a "winding down" period before my A ended. We went from full contact pretty much every day to absolutely nothing. That's extremely difficult, and I think almost psychotic.

I understand completely where you're coming from. I was the one to end my A, and I've often thought how much I admire my OMM's ability to leave me alone because that's what I wanted. I guess I identified my OMM with your strength in this area. Leaving him alone because that's what he wants and what might be best FOR HIM is so difficult and I admire your ability to do that as well. I'm not sure I could be that strong; I'd probably wind up labeled a "stalker" on the front page of some cheesy tabloid!!!

Hang in there, honey. It's okay that you sent the e-mail, and I wouldn't even call it a "slip," but that's me. Maybe I'm overly generous in how I define "contact." Keep posting here, we promise to keep you sane during this tumultuous period! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:59pm
Thank you for your input and insight. It does make me feel better to know that I didn't do something bad or foolish. I just had to get that last thought out there, so that I can move forward knowing that I said all I could. Actually he ended the A in November (though it lingered for a month) and then I moved away in January. He ended our friendship last week to help his family heal, and it's been so hard. I'm trying to be strong over losing my best friend and I would give almost anything to have that back. But more importantly, I want it to be something that HE wants too. So now the ball is truly in his court. Hopefully from here on out, I can move forward and if I don't hear from him again, I can be strong and not second guess myself with "what ifs" !

Side note: I haven't heard back from him, and I'm actually glad! (It's better than an angry "leave me alone" email, IMO).

Thank you again :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 3:20pm
Personally I think you wrote a very beautiful, heartfelt letter expressing your every intention which is no matter how difficult it will be, you will honor his wishes. You were kind and honest and I sincerely doubt he would shoot you off a "leave me alone" message based upon your writings.


elf



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 7:57pm
I think your letter was appropriate also...i don't think you've "slipped" at all. It was a way of helping you say good-bye to someone dear to you whose friendship you will always cherish. Kudos to you (don't know if that's how ya spell kudos? lol)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:10pm
Thank you all for your support. I feel pretty pleased with what I did at this point in time. It's given me a sense of closure knowing that I said everything I could and I left the door open, with no doubts, for a future friendship if he chooses. Now I can focus on making ME happy again. It will be a long hard road, I'm sure but I'm looking forward to the possibilities.

Oh, and I didn't hear from him which I consider a good thing. The best thing would have been an email saying he wanted to resume our friendship of course. But I didn't count on that. He's got issues to work out but I know he's considering everything I wrote, that's just how he is. I was so happy to check my emails and not find an email telling me to kiss off. LOL Today was the first good day in a while. Feels good!