I stirred up a hornet's nest...

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Registered: 04-29-2003
I stirred up a hornet's nest...
10
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 12:04pm
OK, most of you know my situation, and for the most part, I have maintained n/c with XMM. It went a whole month, and I just had soooo many questions in my mind. I felt and still kind of feel that you cannot get over a relationship if you don't know for sure what that realtionship was exactly. It was crystal clear the whole time we were together... we both felt the same way about eachother and were deeply in love. In the aftermath, there have been some devious behaviors that have left me wondering what I really had, and I even sense that I am not the first woman he has had an affair with. I feel sure of that, and I don't know why, it's a weird feeling I get. Anyway, there were several things that I questioned and put to rest during the affair, and then all the behaviors before and after the affair started to paint a way different picture, and I wanted answers. I saw XOM online and IM'd him. This was Friday, a week ago. I asked him if he could talk for a second and he said he could, but only for a second because his W was due home form work. He basically said that he didn't know what exactly we had, it felt so unreal, that he was still trying to figure it out, too. Ok, fair enough, because so was I. Just when I was about to get deeper in to the questions about doubts I had, his W came home, and he just said we could finish later, that if I saw him on, I could IM him if it was before 5pm. So, the week went by, and mostly I stuck to this board, I didn't pay much attention to if he was online or not. Well, yesterday, as I was closing out some windows, I saw that he had IM'd me. It showed he was still on, so I started typing. See, I had learned a lot through the week coming here, and was realizing I would likely never get the perfect packaged closure, and that's what I told him. I said that I was realizing that and that was OK with me, I accepted that now. I said that I hoped and prayed he could work on the issues that caused him to reach out for me in the first place, I hoped that he could heal his marriage and make it happy, and that I wished him the best. That was it. I closed it out, and I was feeling good about it, I felt like "WOW, I am in a good place right now". HA! I had NO IDEA what was to come!!

Early last night, I looked outside and realized it was still beautiful outside, so my 5 yr. old and I went for a little walk, just the two of us. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. A little bit after I left, the XOM's wife called, and my H answered. She told him to tell me to stop IM'ing her H, and my DH wasn't aware I had been.(Oops, I really screwed up there!) She said that she even read what I wrote and that it didn't appear to her that it was over. Please!! My H said that I wasn't doing that, she was dillusional, and he hung up on her.

When I got back, he told me what happened. I admitted everything to him, and explained that I didn't tell him because I figured he wouldn't let me seek that closure, and that now I know I was wrong to seek it in the first place behind his back. I asked him to please forgive me, but I think that will take time, he was pretty upset. I know it's my fault and I feel so sick inside.

At the same time, I am sooooo mad at XOM, I could just spit. He apparently made it seem all one-sided, like he had never IM'd me, and that I was hotly pursuing him. I wrote him a not-so-nice email about how that made me feel, and thanked him for showing me his true colors; it just makes it that much easier to get over him. It's funny, too, becuase only yesterday I was telling you all how beautiful of a person he was. I guess deep down, he is, it's just his actions that are ugly.

I feel spitting mad, and heartbroken, all at the same time. Any thoughts? (((Hugs))) to you all, and thanks for listening to my long rambling :)

~Mel

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 1:08pm
These guys are really something. I know the anger phase all too well, Mel and I think I'm about to enter it once again. I tend to waver between anger and deep sadness. It's all part of the healing process.

These guys are really something, that's all I can say. And they really make me sick. Try to keep this episode clearly in your mind and remember it when you feel like contacting him next.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 1:40pm
Boy, do I know that feeling! Ok, he didn't try to tell Ms. GB that it was all me. But, in that last email from him a few weeks ago, he turned the tables on me saying I'd been the one wanting to hang on. Hmpph, I was happier with him totally out of the picture but I couldn't turn my back on a friend (even an ex) who needed someone to talk to.

Anyway, he said that his therapist had suggested N/C other than business so we'd better stop communicating at all. (There was more but it was covered in an earlier post.) Wow, on one hand, I felt good because he'd made progress!!! On the other, I was devastated (a little) because here he was dumping me almost a year after I'd called it off. ROFL Ain't that a crack up?!? Yeah, I was pissed at him but I was also proud of him for making such a huge step. Try to figure that one out.

I'm glad you got to express some of your thoughts to him. You got some answers! Yes, you are in a very good place. What he tells his DW is of no concern to you any more. All you need to work on is you and your DH. Let him worry about his DW. His actions may be ugly when he's trying to protect his own ass but most men (people) are!

So, you stay in your good place and let him wallow! Be patient with your DH. If he really loves you, he'll do his damnedest to accept your behaviors and love you through it all. It took a lot of time, patience and understanding on both our parts to get where Sean and I are today. If we can do it, so can you!!!

~Chris~

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Registered: 04-29-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 1:52pm
Thanks... tell me about it! I will try to remember this, in fact I should write it in my journal so that if I ever feel like contacting him again, I can just read how it felt when I did. I don't delude myself into thinking that it's all his fault, don't get me wrong... I totally made a bad decision going behind DH's back. But still... it makes me mad that he gets away with everything, and that he has most likely moved on to his next OW. His wife can't see it, she thinks this was all me, devious, evil me. I am ok with her thinking that about me, there are parts of it that are even deserving, but if I could, I would undo all of it. Fact is, I can't, and I am just dealing with it the best way I know how. Grrrrrr!! (Grumble, Grumble)

What's happened to make you think that you are in the anger process again? I read your other post, it sounds like you're doing great! Let me tell you, I have learned so much here, and I swear I hear something I needed to hear everyday, something to help me process all of this. Thanks for your response, (((hugs)))

~Mel

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Registered: 04-29-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 2:11pm
Oh, Chris, I so admire in you that despite his bad behavior, you still were willing to be there for him. I don't think (especially now) I could have done that, and I just think it shows a lot about your heart that you could.

ROFL< he dumped you after you called it off? That is a crack up! Well, still, it's good to see that he is doing footwork of his own. It just creates conflicting feelings for you. Shouldn't WE (OW) rule the universe? LOL! ;)

Thanks for the encouragement, I'm hoping DH forgives and accepts my actions sooner than later. You're right... despite all of this, dang it, I AM in a good place! I know who I am better than ever, and I feel empowered! (Like SB told someone last week, I am WOMAN here me ROAR....GRRRR!!!) LOL!! Thanks for your response, Chris! (((HUGS)))

~Mel

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 2:13pm
Mel... sigh... I don't know what to say. What you did wasn't so awful, but I do also see your H's side of things and that he'd be upset about any contact at all... I hope he realizes what really went on and gets over it...

You DID get closure in ONE sense of things though - you can truly stop idealizing the OM... realize he was a coward to react the way he did...

And sometimes, we (especially ME!!) have to learn the hard way - we can't always just take what others have gone through and learn it ourselves... So you tried to get closure even though you realized in some way that you would never get him to say what you really wanted to hear... now you can close that door FOR GOOD.

I'm just sorry it always has to be so painful to learn some of these lessons...

Hugs

Glinda

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Registered: 04-29-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 2:41pm
Thanks, Glinda (((hugs))) back. It hurts but at least it's pain I can put into practice.

I am bound and determined more than ever, I think this has made me stronger. Thanks, by the way, for the part about his actions being "coward"-ly. I couldn't think of the right term... that's it!

Goin shopping today? (hee hee)

~Mel

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Registered: 04-30-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 6:39pm
Mel have you see the movie Gaslight? If not I definetly recomend it for you. In that movie, the husband conceals the wife's jwellery in the attic and then "finds" it for her and the proceeds to tell her SHE is mentally unstable or has memory problems. What???

You MM is "gaslighting" about the part about him not being involved in the contact that you initiated recently. Thats how a controlling man comes of when confronted, Mel. I agree with GLINDA stop idealizing this man, Mel. Take him for what he is ~ a gaslighter and very good one at that. LOL HUGS

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Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 3:34pm
Hi everyone... Thankyou again for the responses, they were helpful and supportive as always. :) Well, as I mentioned, I wrote XOM a not-so-nice email for his cowardly lion behavior. I feel bad now that I was so mean to him; I know it's not a very Christian attitude, but I was angry and needed to express that for my own sanity. Anyway, I forwarded a copy of this email to my DH, so that he knew I wasn't doing anything behind his back again. When DH got home that afternoon, he checked his email. He came in and said he was LOL at what I wrote, and that he was proud of me for standing up to XOM that way. He wasn't mad, and he said that he really does forgive me for contacting OM last week.

That evening, after dinner, I went on a little drive, all by myself. The sun was shining bright, the weather was amazing, and I felt like I could fly! :) I felt somewhat free of the love I once felt towards XMM, and a spark of love for DH. I had happy music turned way up loud and was singing along without a care in the world at who was watching. Now, as I'm typing this, it reminds me of a song I once knew... it went:

"Sing.... like nobody's listening....

Love.... like you'll never get hurt....

Dance, dance, dance.... like nobody's watching...

It's gotta come from the heart, if you want it to work..."

I hope you all are doing what comes from your heart, too!! (((HUGS)))

~Mel

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 8:46am
Hang in there Mel, this actually may be for the best because now the question and illusions of him won't forever be in your mind. What a jerk really. See I am still in that limbo of questions and illusions but part of me really does not want to contact him because I am afraid of seeing what a jerk he is too but I think this may actually help you and reading your post actually helped me too. Take Care - Best wishes. Lyssa
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Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 12:37pm
Thx Lyssa... While it's true I don't idealize OM anymore, finding out some things about who he really was bought a pain all its own. I was mad at myself for not seeing it sooner, and felt humiliated. I also felt sad that we couldn't just end it on a good note. Those questions can really eat away at you, Lyssa! Don't let them ! Suffice it to say that it was what it was, and it cannot be anymore. You can never go back to that place, and I hope that you can use what I and others have gone though to save yourself the added pain and guilt. (((Hugs)))

~Mel