OK, most of you know my situation, and for the most part, I have maintained n/c with XMM. It went a whole month, and I just had soooo many questions in my mind. I felt and still kind of feel that you cannot get over a relationship if you don't know for sure what that realtionship was exactly. It was crystal clear the whole time we were together... we both felt the same way about eachother and were deeply in love. In the aftermath, there have been some devious behaviors that have left me wondering what I really had, and I even sense that I am not the first woman he has had an affair with. I feel sure of that, and I don't know why, it's a weird feeling I get. Anyway, there were several things that I questioned and put to rest during the affair, and then all the behaviors before and after the affair started to paint a way different picture, and I wanted answers. I saw XOM online and IM'd him. This was Friday, a week ago. I asked him if he could talk for a second and he said he could, but only for a second because his W was due home form work. He basically said that he didn't know what exactly we had, it felt so unreal, that he was still trying to figure it out, too. Ok, fair enough, because so was I. Just when I was about to get deeper in to the questions about doubts I had, his W came home, and he just said we could finish later, that if I saw him on, I could IM him if it was before 5pm. So, the week went by, and mostly I stuck to this board, I didn't pay much attention to if he was online or not. Well, yesterday, as I was closing out some windows, I saw that he had IM'd me. It showed he was still on, so I started typing. See, I had learned a lot through the week coming here, and was realizing I would likely never get the perfect packaged closure, and that's what I told him. I said that I was realizing that and that was OK with me, I accepted that now. I said that I hoped and prayed he could work on the issues that caused him to reach out for me in the first place, I hoped that he could heal his marriage and make it happy, and that I wished him the best. That was it. I closed it out, and I was feeling good about it, I felt like "WOW, I am in a good place right now". HA! I had NO IDEA what was to come!!
Early last night, I looked outside and realized it was still beautiful outside, so my 5 yr. old and I went for a little walk, just the two of us. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. A little bit after I left, the XOM's wife called, and my H answered. She told him to tell me to stop IM'ing her H, and my DH wasn't aware I had been.(Oops, I really screwed up there!) She said that she even read what I wrote and that it didn't appear to her that it was over. Please!! My H said that I wasn't doing that, she was dillusional, and he hung up on her.
When I got back, he told me what happened. I admitted everything to him, and explained that I didn't tell him because I figured he wouldn't let me seek that closure, and that now I know I was wrong to seek it in the first place behind his back. I asked him to please forgive me, but I think that will take time, he was pretty upset. I know it's my fault and I feel so sick inside.
At the same time, I am sooooo mad at XOM, I could just spit. He apparently made it seem all one-sided, like he had never IM'd me, and that I was hotly pursuing him. I wrote him a not-so-nice email about how that made me feel, and thanked him for showing me his true colors; it just makes it that much easier to get over him. It's funny, too, becuase only yesterday I was telling you all how beautiful of a person he was. I guess deep down, he is, it's just his actions that are ugly.
I feel spitting mad, and heartbroken, all at the same time. Any thoughts? (((Hugs))) to you all, and thanks for listening to my long rambling :)