I talked to him today.
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| Fri, 09-11-2009 - 9:18pm |
After 4 days of NC (7 days of LC – that included a miserable dinner), he finally reached me. I had been ignoring all his texts and calls (confession: I did listen to his voicemail without responding, tho) and today I just knew he wouldn’t stop until he talked to me. He used a hospital phone that he knew I would answer. I should have hung up, but I didn’t. In fact, I couldn’t bring myself to use any sort of tone with him. So I was polite and listened to what he had to say. And he said all the right things, including how when our eyes met at dinner, he felt a shock go through his body. I swear he read my post. It freaked me out. I wish I could say that I didn’t engage him in conversation, but I did. And then when he had his fill of me (when he realized that I didn’t hate him) he said that he’d leave me alone until later in life. HA! Whatever…
I’m happy to report that it didn’t take me long to recover from his call. I was mad at myself for being so cheery and not more point-blank with him, but I have to find those small moments of victory: 1) I didn’t discuss my feelings for him or tell him that I missed him and loved him. 2) We didn’t talk about out past at all including 8 years ago when our life together just seemed so precious. 3) I didn’t tell him what my plans were for the weekend. 4) I didn’t even mention that my DH is out of town! Now that’s huge! 5) I didn’t ask him to call me later. I think I’m on the right road. I feel much better about what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.
e-dancer really hit home for me when she said:
"It's not so much that we have finally opened our eyes about our AP, but finally seeing ourselves and who we have become and what we have allowed ourselves to do for the sake of what - all the lies that we believed." (thanks e-dancer)
I can’t control x-AP. I can only control myself…my actions. I learned that I can't control my feelings, but I can control what I do about what I feel. I can never really give back all the time that I spent away from my family (physically/emotionally, even spiritually), but I can become a better person from now on. I really hope I can do this.
Thanks for your continued support. I know I will need it.

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I understand where you are coming from. I have not yet ended my A, still mustering up the courage, was going to do so today on the phone,but I too couldnt
You back slid a little by the phone call but thats no biggy. Continue NC bc you're exactly right- we cannot control how XAP thinks or the choices/actions he makes. We can only control our own choices and actions.
I think I was trying my best to control XAP to make him love me. I would tell him things I knew would make him feel good, I would dress to please him, etc, I was doing my best to get him to fall in love with me so that he would be mine and leave his wife and we could be happily together. Me stupidly thinking that if he said he loved me that thats all it would take. So they say they love us and we believe them. Then what... nothing happens, they stay married and we finally see that the love they supposedly had for us was just a lie. They only selfishly used us for whatever needs they didn't get met at home. And who is left hurting?
We can't change the past and all the time lost wasted on them but we can start today by seeing the truth and forging ahead through the pain to a life that is real and not one where lies and falsehood are whats getting us through the day.
You can do it!
Tessa
OBT:
if you are really, truly ending...then, you will not listen to voicemails. you will not answer phones when you know it's him. you will not listen to garbage-spewing words so you will feel somehow validated... you will go NO CONTACT. you will hang up when you are caught unawares. you will not play the A game.
if you don't want to end it...you'll keep doing these things.
it does not mean you are ending when you continue to do these things and then come here and say you did them..but you understand them. the logical step to understanding our dysfunctional behavior is to end it.
CL-Lovely Starr
"No memory of having starred; atones for later disregard; or keeps the end from being h
Courage is about confronting your fears, rejecting them, and proceeding anyways.
CL-Lovely Starr
"No memory of having starred; atones for later disregard; or keeps the end from being h
Thanks, lovelystarr, as I know you have my best interest in mind when you say what you do. You also can see when people say one thing, but hope for another, but I AM ENDING THIS!! It just takes time. I know I will slip, and I'm not perfect. But I'm not hoping to hear from him ever again. I won't be listening to his vm anymore. I will hang-up on him if he calls. I am through with the games. And quite honestly, I don't think I could've said all this and meant it if I hadn't had that slip.
I've reach that wall; I am finally ready to let go. I'm there. I'm taking the steps, and I'm doing the best I can. He's been in my life for over a decade. There are habits that need to be broken. That's all they are, bad habits that need to be broken. I AM TRYING to best of my ability. I listened to his voicemail, does that mean I don't want to end it? I don't think so even if you do. Ending is a process, a journey. It doesn't just happen. If it did, then I wouldn't need to be here.
I have been here before wanting to end it, but not following through on how. There was always still a hope that I would one day be with x-MM. I don't feel that way anymore. And quite honestly, after all of this, even if we were both free to be together, I don't know that I'd want to anymore. Seriously. I'm no longer under that delusion that we will be together.
I know I'll need the support, the tough love, AND the compassion that this board can provide. I am ready for it...I want it. That's why I think it's important to come here even when you make a mistake, especially when you make a mistake. You have to be held accountable for your actions.
Lovelystarr, I actually remember when you first came to this board. I'm glad that you've made it through to the other side. I'm sure it's hard for you to be here knowing that there is a cure for all this hurt, the cure being NC. It must be aggravating that people don't just follow through with it. But, don't lose your compassion for what people are going through. I am strong enough to take your tough love, but in the past, I would've just left this board thinking that you just don't understand.
Hi Tessa, thanks for your support.
I saw your reply to me on the other post, but I wasn't able to respond then. But yes, I am somewhat new to this board. That is, new again to this board. I'm embarrassed to say that I've been here before, but I know that this time will be the last.
I haven't really told my story. At this point, I'm so bored with it that I don't know if I'll make any sense, but since you asked, I'll make it brief. Both x-MM and I are married (to other people) for over 20 years with kids. I met him through our kids. You know the story, friends first blah, blah, blah. My DH and I have had a very tumultuous relationship from the get-go involving domestic abuse, emotional and physical...involving the police. I'm happy to report that he has since changed. But in the height of it, x-MM was very instrumental in helping me with the kids...giving them rides to and from home, practice, etc. I did not go to him for emotional support because, quite honestly, I never really told anyone (other than my therapist, my priest, and my lawyer) about my domestic life; however, as I later found out, it was obvious to everyone anyway.
x-MM pursued me. I had no real interest in him at first, but I did enjoy the fact that someone was being nice to me and actually enjoyed my company. I was a mess; I told him as much. Within the first 6 months of the A, we talked about being together. My marriage was already in shambles. I was planning to leave regardless. He, on the other hand, had trouble with the thought of leaving his kids. That was the first time I got on this board.
He pursued me again; told me he couldn't live without me...blah,blah, blah. So our plan was to wait and see. So wait we did. We didn't really have plans to be in a long-term A; the years just kept coming...almost 10. I did have a period of NC for 8 months. That's when DH got help with his problems and asked me for another chance. I wanted to give my marriage a fair shot, so that meant no x-MM. It's very difficult for me to reconnect with DH because he's hurt me so much by his words and actions. Although I do trust him and forgive him for many things, my heart has moved on. So again, x-MM found an opening and pursued once again, I let him back into my life because I was lonely and felt the end was near; one way or the other. As our kids made their college choices, we both knew that we had some decisions to make, too. When it became obvious that he still wasn't ready and may never be, I told him that I couldn't stay anymore. It's taken me a few months to make this break, but we both knew it was coming. I think all along, he really thought he could leave when the time came, but now I know he won't. And he's knows he won't. That's why I don't think he'll pursue a relationship with me anymore. I think he's eyes are now open, too.
Of course, I'm sad as I think about this ending, but I think I'm starting to look at the future with new eyes. I fear being lonely empty-nester, but I need to be able to be a good friend to myself. I have a lot of work to do. That's why I'm here.
We can do this together, Tessa!
atta girl. i'm hoping you make it to the other side, too.
CL-Lovely Starr
"No memory of having starred; atones for later disregard; or keeps the end from being h
Lovelystarr,
Onebreathatatime stated what I have been thinking with respect to your tough love approach.
Thanks again, Lovelystarr, I did need your kick start. I spent all night reading through the Healing Library, especially the D-day thread. If I wasn't serious about ending the A, I sure am now. My *fantasies* of what D-day would be like were shot after I read some of those stories. I am scared now. I have deleted everything, every message, every vm, every text I may have had or kept. I've gone through and collected all the sweet gifts that he gave me and put it aside to give to my friend for her garage sale (charity benefit). Some of things were really hard to give up, but I don't need any memories of him at all right now. I can't tell you how much better I feel.
Thank you for sticking to your guns, for calling it like it is. I won't lie, it's difficult to hear. I do need the nurturing touch, too. You know, like the Paula Abdul vs the Simon Cowell :) Thanks for keeping this board going...and I'm glad you're not *wicked* anymore. hugs to you, too.
Hello OBATAT,
I was also in my A for 10years!
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