I think I am finally ready to call it quits

Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
I think I am finally ready to call it quits
16
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 8:43am
I've been with my AP for about a year, PC for about 6 months. I am married 24 years, he is single, but newly engaged. Started as a FWB, then my emotions got the best of me.I've been dealing with the bulls*** of the A . The secret meetings, the texts, the secret phone calls. It all gets a little draining trying to balance it with my home life. Since he got engaged, things have changed. He is obviously pulling away. He keeps saying he still wants to be with me, so I just hang in there. But what I am feeling now is a complete absence of respect, truthfulness. He sets up time for us to be together, then either cancels last minute or just never texts me to confirm. I am left waiting and wondering. Then I get some bull**** explanation the next day about his phone not working or something came up. He doesn't return texts half the time,and cuts me off when we are on the phone saying "i'll call you back", but he never does. He can be so cold to me. Now I understand he is engaged...but why does he even lead me on? Just be a man and say you've moved on! I am so over it. Not that A's are ever okay anyway, but for me, I feel like when it gets to a point where he is disrespecting me, I need to take a hard look at things. I've been putting up with this for a couple of months now, and I think I'm done. I deserve better. I have a H at home who loves and respects me. It's ironic to say...but I would never ever date a man who treats me the way my AP has been treating me. I'm at work today and he is here. I don't even want to talk to him, much less look at him. I feel the anger inside just simmering. I don't think I can end it with him verbally. I just need to walk away and not look back. It's finally time to turn back to my H and repair the damage I have done. Thank you for your support. I have a feeling this is going to be a rocky road.....

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Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 9:01am
In just a short period, my anger has turned to pain. I'm at my desk crying right now...knowing he is downstairs. It hurts so bad...I don't know what to do with myself. I am barely hanging on by a thread. These emotions are flooding my thoughts. How do you just walk away?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 9:59am

Blueclouds,

I am so sorry that you're feeling the way you are right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 10:11am

((BlueClouds))

I know you are hurting right now with just the idea in your head that your A is over,

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 1:41pm
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. ...even if it stings a little. I guess the truth hurts. I am here for a reality check and I am certainly receiving that today. I have run into him a few times today in the dept. I am ignoring him, but he just seems to keep making little comments as I walk by...I wish he would just leave me alone. I am feeling much stronger now just knowing I have your support. I know I can do this. I have to do this. I need to feel whole again. I'm such a mess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 3:28pm

Hi, blueclouds,

you and I are in similar situations - I am married 25 years and my xAP was single, but reunited with his GF shortly after our breakup (all 3 of us work together).

My xAP totally turned his back on me after he reunited with his GF.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 3:43pm
Hi blueclouds, Welcome. I am so happy you have decided to walk away from the A, to turn back to your H, to treat yourself with respect, and to begin to repair the damage. Those are the best decisions you could ever make!

Here you will find everything you need to help you on that rocky road - advice, inspiration, some occasional tough love, and the support of an amazing group of people. Every one of us has been where you are now (though your situation feels unique right now, you will soon come to see that it's the same circus, different clowns) and we are living proof that you can get out of this hole and that a happier, truer life is waiting at the top for you.

Read lots, restore your belief in yourself through small acts of love for your family, friends and community, be kind to yourself, and post often. You can do this!

Sunshine and smiles

Kat.

Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 9:46am
Day 2...here we go. Came into work this morning and walked straight upstairs. NC..that felt good. Then XAP calls my desk. I see his ext. on my caller ID. I panic. I answer. He asks me if we have coffee upstairs. Sounds to me like he is just trying to make conversation. I say " yes we do. I just got in..gotta run". Whew...got thru that! What hit me this morning was the damage I have done to my H, my marriage and my kids. What is wrong with me that the love of my H is not enough? That I would risk everything? Why is my need for validation so strong? I cried the whole way to work this morning. I talked to my H last night about individual counseling. He supports whatever I feel I need to do. So I will look into that this week. I am emotionally drained. Damn..XAP just called my desk again. ..I WILL NOT LET HIM GET TO ME.......how am I going to get thru seeing him everyday ? I would be so much stronger if I didn't have to see him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 10:17am
Stay strong and focused, BC. You know what needs to be done and as long as you do not give away anymore of your power, you will teach this dog some new tricks; like how to roll over and play dead. ;-) Eventually he will see that you mean business and he'll stop being a pest.

Great about your talk with H and that he supports your decision re. IC. You've got a very understanding man there, so don't ever take this for granted again.

The love of your H is enough, honey. It's not loving yourself enough that got you into this mess. Keep reading and learning. You have made a great start and I am very proud of you.

((Hugs))
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 12:06pm

bluecloud.

Breathe - take deep breaths.

Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 1:15pm
Nvrsaynvr, thanks for responding to me again. I think a lot about what you said to me. It helps so much that you understand what I am going thru. XAP is such a jerk. Luckily I am not required to have any interaction with him at all. We just pass in the hall when I have to go downstairs periodically. So far today, I haven't seen him.I'm feeling stronger now. I had a bit of a meltdown this morning. I had to step outside, cry a little, then return to my desk. I think the reality of the situation is finally beginning to sink in. What was I thinking? I wish XAP would just go away. I haven't read too much at the HL yet. I keep finding myself reading posts from other newbies. It gives me a sense of belonging. I dont know what I would do without all the support on this board. I truly feel like I am not going thru this alone. Coming from a place of such secrecy, it feels so good to finally be honest about my feelings and the hell I am now going thru. Please continue to check in with me. I can't offer you much support right now. Just know I am thinking about you and wishing you a speedy recovery, as well.

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