I think I am finally ready to call it quits

Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
I think I am finally ready to call it quits
16
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 8:43am
I've been with my AP for about a year, PC for about 6 months. I am married 24 years, he is single, but newly engaged. Started as a FWB, then my emotions got the best of me.I've been dealing with the bulls*** of the A . The secret meetings, the texts, the secret phone calls. It all gets a little draining trying to balance it with my home life. Since he got engaged, things have changed. He is obviously pulling away. He keeps saying he still wants to be with me, so I just hang in there. But what I am feeling now is a complete absence of respect, truthfulness. He sets up time for us to be together, then either cancels last minute or just never texts me to confirm. I am left waiting and wondering. Then I get some bull**** explanation the next day about his phone not working or something came up. He doesn't return texts half the time,and cuts me off when we are on the phone saying "i'll call you back", but he never does. He can be so cold to me. Now I understand he is engaged...but why does he even lead me on? Just be a man and say you've moved on! I am so over it. Not that A's are ever okay anyway, but for me, I feel like when it gets to a point where he is disrespecting me, I need to take a hard look at things. I've been putting up with this for a couple of months now, and I think I'm done. I deserve better. I have a H at home who loves and respects me. It's ironic to say...but I would never ever date a man who treats me the way my AP has been treating me. I'm at work today and he is here. I don't even want to talk to him, much less look at him. I feel the anger inside just simmering. I don't think I can end it with him verbally. I just need to walk away and not look back. It's finally time to turn back to my H and repair the damage I have done. Thank you for your support. I have a feeling this is going to be a rocky road.....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 1:46pm

Oh, Blueclouds - I was where you are just a few short weeks ago and I felt like i'd been punched in the gut.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 2:00pm
I to was where u are 2 short weeks ago all u can do is keeping remembering this is the right thing and trust us here, I'm already in a better place this week, no where near healed but a bit better my attention to my family is way up and I feel everyday like I'm gravitating more to my h.
Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 3:04pm
Thank you, lookingforhappy. I am taking all the advice I can get, and trusting this will get better eventually. I agree with nvrsaynvr...I would take this pain any day over my H and kids getting hurt. Today was great up until a co worker asked me to call xAP regarding a dept issue. I froze. But I had to, so I called him. I managed to keep it short and to the point. I think xAP senses something is different. He tried continuing the conversation on a personal level. I hung up as quickly as I could. I guess I'm just not ready for a confrontation yet. I just can't talk to him. I have a feeling he's gonna text me. Please let me be strong....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 3:37pm
Hello & Welcome,

You need to have a plan in place. If you haven't directly, and succinctly told xAP that the affair is over, and there is going to be a "confrontation", you'll need to do more than just hope that you will be able to manage the situation when it occurs. You need to REALLY understand that you can NOT engage at all. You must choose to protect your children MORE than your craving for closure (that won't come from him anyway) through communication of any kind with him. You don't need to justify or apologize to him. There is NOTHING left to be said. If you are done, then you are DONE.

Please do read the Healing Library, and take in as much as you can. You need to leave NO room for failure in your thinking. Failing at ending is NOT an option - your life, and your children's lives depend on you pulling through for THEM. When you choose to engage with xAP, you are putting his needs, and your immediate needs for a "fix" over everything and everyone that you truly love.

And you SHOULD NOT be expecting a text from him. That to me says that you haven't yet blocked him from all avenues of contact. Leaving any room for him to get to you will ONLY HURT YOU.

I am 11 months out from my affair, and my xAP fished yesterday. I can tell you, 10 months ago I would have cracked, cried, and crawled back into bed. After a moment of sheer shock at his nerve, I just went about my day ... happy to know that I am no longer in pain, there is no emotional response to seeing his name (we are colleagues), I couldn't care less what he is up to, if he ever thinks about me, or if he ever gave a crap about me - I am at indifference.

I made a plan. You can too.

TU.
Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 6:42pm
Well day 3...and things didn't go so well. I made the critical mistake of thinking I could have a normal conversation with xAP in the break room. It actually went okay. We small talked and I left feeling unemotional. The entire day was fine. No lingering thoughts, no anxiety. Then I got off work..OMG. I feel like I'm back to square one. The thoughts came flooding back on my way home. Thinking about him, wanting to talk to him. It was SUCH a mistake talking to him. It is too soon and he is too close. My only saving grace is that he is off Fri. I only have to endure one more workday with him, and I will have 3 full days xAP free. I know I made a poor decision. I should have walked out as soon as I saw him. I don't know what I was thinking!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 7:32pm
yes...you did mess up. NC means no contact. You just have to protect yourself, esp this early. You really need to block him and do your part as well. Please just do this for yourself. OK, it's over now. OVA. Pick urself up. Get to gettin. NO MORE small talk or the like. No communication unless work related. Hang in there. We are here for the rough times.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida

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